Because a column that usually runs on Tuesdays should run on a Monday. Because the Grammys weren't spoiled at all* by airing them live on the East Coast while those of us who live a mere 45 minutes from where the award show was actually happening had to wait to watch it at 8 PM PST. Because wall-to-wall Grammy coverage hasn't bored the hell out of you already. Because all the memes haven't been exhausted yet. And because you care about a random brain dump by a musician who watched the show from his couch, has no “insider info”, and has not, will not and will (likely) never have an opportunity to go to the Grammys**. Because we need more opinions like these. Because there aren't millions of them on Twitter already. Because the “close window” tab is right there in the upper left-hand corner of your browser.
1) The Red Carpet
- Robyn looked liked Dennis the Menace in a Princess Leia costume and a pair of Timberlands with orthopedic shoe lifts.
- Fergie wore a what appeared to be tangerine doily, and during an interview with her (and her face that has been Botoxed to the point that she's only capable of three expressions; a) surprised, b) surprised and c) mannequin) TV Guide Pre-Show host Chris Harrison said, “You look insane!” I think that was supposed to be a compliment, but I took it literally. And it worked.
- Flo Rida has a what appears to be a child's hand growing out of his right earlobe, and his lady (for the evening) appeared to have a butt stuck to her chest.
- Nickie Minaj did her best Lady Gaga. It wasn't good enough.
- Bonnie McKee wore something that made it look like she had flowing locks of golden shoulder hair. (If Golden Shoulder Hair isn't a band from Silverlake, it should be…Braxton Chadwick from Golden Shoulder Hair?)
- Some Russian pop “star” that nobody's ever heard wore a sleeve made of guns. I think we're officially out of ideas.
- Contrary to what the above photos might suggest, I think a memo went out telling the ladies that the disco ball look was in this year. I've never seen so many sequins. CLASSY BEDAZZLEMENT!
- The taller bearded guy from Lady Antebellum that forgot to button his shirt last night said, “We're here this year because we wanted to prove we weren't just a fly in the pants.” When in doubt, just make shit up.
2) The Show
- That's right, guys. BONNY BEAR.
- I think LL Cool J licked his lips no less than 258 times during the show. If you we're playing the Grammys drinking game in which you had to drink every time that happened, you're probably in the hospital right now. Hang in there.
- Kelly Clarkson is built like the worlds biggest dwarf.
- I thought Bruno Mars' performance was fantastic, and while I'm not sure I'm all that into the album versions that I've heard of Mars' songs, having a live backing band on “Runaway Baby” took it to another level last night. That rhythm section. Wow.
- Bonnie Raitt and Alicia Keys' tribute to Etta James was gorgeous. I'm might've gotten a bit weepy. Maybe it was allergies though.
- Apparently, Michael Jackson is still alive and well…and playing drums for The Beach Boys.
- Bon Iver won Best “New” Artist (and I think that's great). What does “new” mean again?
- I'm not sure that letting the guy that beat the crap out of Rihanna dance around on a Qbert board was a solid booking.
- Can anyone confirm or deny that Dana Carvey and Reba McIntire aren't the same person at this point?
- I had no idea Johnny Depp was in The Civil Wars.
3) The Show (Continued for THREE AND A HALF HOURS)