Katie Porter has a nanny problem.
No, not a Nannygate nanny problem (at least not yet), but the 45th District’s freshman congresswoman is already experiencing woes as a single mother of three who must arrange childcare back home in Irvine while serving the public in Washington, D.C.
“Congress wasn’t built for members like me,” the Democrat recently told Politico. “For those of us who have young children, which is a minority, there’s definitely the built-in assumption of a two-parent model… There is no template for how to do this in my situation as a single mom.”
She will earn $174,000 a year as a lawmaker, but she is barred from using any official funds for child care needs. Meanwhile, her children will require overnight care five days a week while she is on Capitol Hill.
“I’ve thought about it a lot. … How are we going to make it work?” she reportedly said. “It’s an additional, significant … cost for me. But I think part of it is: If we don’t have voices like mine, trying to figure out how to do it — to juggle and serve — then we won’t have anyone else speaking up to try to improve the system.”
Fortunately, OC Weekly, as Orange County’s leading alternative newsweekly for single mothers of three, is here to help. With Congresswoman Porter in mind, we have created the following …
You will be a nanny with at least three years experience in nannying, child care or au pair work. You must love children and be mature, reliable, trustworthy, punctual and well presented. You will be required to work when I am away in Washington, D.C., or while I am pounding the pavement or working the phones for contributions because my 2020 reelection campaign is closer than you think.
Your responsibilities will include:
* Preparing meals and snacks
* Saying “no habla ingles” and then hanging up when FOX News calls
* Washing and drying clothes and, come to think of it, the kids as well
* Informing my ex and/or annoying constituents at the front door that I moved to Rancho Santa Margarita (which doesn’t even exist on maps!)
* Reading night-night stories
* Wearing a wig, my winter coat and Jackie O glasses while sitting in convertibles during Main Street parades so I can get three kids to simultaneous soccer games
* Staying out of the liquor cabinet
* Saying I am in my D.C. office when FOX News calls back but reading them Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s phone number
You will need a current first aid certificate, a Working With Children police check certificate, a driver’s license, a Certificate in Child Care and, for God’s sake, a valid green card lest you become a 2020 campaign issue.
In return, you will receive meals, a place to stay, full use of the house (including the remote!), my car if I am on the East Coast and a Bernie Sanders-approved living wage which, to afford Irvine, starts at $142,691.07 a year.
Please email a detailed cover letter, current resume with details of your previous nanny/au pair experience, written references and a copy of your Democratic Party registration.
Russian hackers need not apply.
Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the paper’s first calendar editor. He went on to be managing editor, executive editor and is now senior staff writer.