We all know it’s hard to be a band on tour. Certain bands don’t make it easy on themselves—such as the band of East Coast hipsters who recently opened for us at a local venue. Look, just because you can draw a decent crowd wherever you’re from (Wow, Brooklyn, you say? . . . Who gives a shit?), you’re not too good to be bothered talking or even acknowledging the local band on the bill. You were lucky enough to jump on at the last minute as an opener. Instead of being grateful, you waltz in, scowl at everyone who isn’t in your crew, take up half the merch area with every T-shirt, button and beer koozie you could scrape out of your van, leaving almost zero room for the other local bands who might wanna sell some shit as the band that people actually recognize. Then you take FOREVER to sound check, pushing the entire lineup back at least half an hour. All the while, you strut around on- and off-stage, wearing sunglasses indoors and whispering to one another about how the East Coast is SO much cooler than here. I never take joy in watching a band play to the DJ at the back of the room, but seriously, I hope it helped to deflate your ego enough for you to fit through the door on the way out.
Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to firstname.lastname@example.org.