After the three-day Coachella music festival finally revealed its official lineup, tickets were snatched up in a record six days! Rolling Stone
looked to the headiners–Kanye West, Arcade Fire and Kings of Leon–for possible explanation, noting the established reputation for
the massive gathering at the Empire Polo Field as a draw onto itself.
For one of the more popular threads on the Coachella message board's
“rumor/gossip/wish list” discussion sections, the answer was much more simple and somehow predictable: Mexicans!
An Internet moron named “seasponge” laid out the theory as a failed, self-proclaimed attempt at humor:
Yes, Coachella is popular, but I find it hard to believe it has reached “sell 75,000+ tickets in 6 days” status. So, why? What did it this year? More importantly, who can we blame? That's right. You guessed it. Mexico. As we all know, one of the most prominent performers this year is popular Mexican Rock band Caifanes. I honestly have no idea who they are, but apparently they're REALLY popular in Mexico. Like, OBAMA popular. Like, FRENCH FRIES POPULAR.
In fact, Coachella is one of two AND ONLY TWO reunion shows that Caifanes will be playing. It's plain to see that the reason Coachella has sold out is because a wave of Mexican Caifanes fans (because let's be honest, who else has really even heard of, or can pronounce properly, “Caifanes?”) have JUMPED on the chance to see their favorite band.
Most of my rockero friends were as split on the enticement of the Caifanes reunion to get them to Coachella as they were on the festival itself. Sure, more than a few are really excited and are definitely going. Others, however, are a tad underwhelmed. The return of estranged guitarist Alejandro Marcovich is definitely big news, but Saúl Hernández has carried on singing Caifanes classics with authenticity with his current band Jaguares. It's not as if the songs have been absent from the stage for 15 years.
None of this nuanced context mattered, as the message board commenter identified the “problem” and rallied for an exaggerated plan of action:
There can be only one solution: We must infiltrate the personal lives of the band members of Caifanes and, using subtle persuasion (read: INCEPTION), we must convince them NOT to reunite and to decide NEVER TO SPEAK TO EACHOTHER AGAIN. I will leave the “how” up to you. Make those calls, build old bridges, sleep with whomever you need to. Just break this damn band up, for the good of the people. For America.
What followed? Unfortunately, more than a few comments that would feel right at home on Navel Gazing's “Racist OC Register Fustercluck” series:
Monko760: Sorry to say but they are clogging up the freeways.They are not paying a fair share of the tax burden, while using our public health and education systems. If people want to bitch they have the right. I don't hate mexicans, I love em, good food and they know how to party, pretty much makes a culture right there. They just piss me off. As well as being a demographic which GV now has to appease in order to make righteous bux, so we get the Caifines WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?
Mjfritts: but I thought mexicans had no money… this is a conspiracy for sure…
The Clares: They're already digging the tunnel to the main stage from Calexico/Mexicali.
Menikmati: well maybe all the mexicans will leave Friday night then
Whew! What's funny is that while these babosos blabbered on, a Los Angeles-based production company called
The Mexican House The Mexico House put out a satirical Chicochella lineup! Had headliners such as Chico Che y la Crisis, Bronco, and Sonora Dinamita taken the bold type on the official Coachella flier . . . then maybe it would be more than spot-on to “blame Mexicans” for the rapid sellout of festival passes.
Gabriel San Román is from Anacrime. He’s a journalist, subversive historian and the tallest Mexican in OC. He also once stood falsely accused of writing articles on Turkish politics in exchange for free food from DönerG’s!