Last night, Dan Savage’s traveling Hump! Film Festival screened to local pervs at the distinguished Art Theatre of Long Beach, and yours truly could simply not resist checking out what manner of smut would caress our tender senses, as it is my duty (and pleasure). Now in its fourteenth year running, the world’s only amateur porn film festival was, indeed, a sight to behold, presenting a cavalcade of twenty-one short sexy films each made with a running time of five minutes or less, which is one of the basic requirements for each film competing for a grand prize of $10,000.
Rules are set in place for audiences as well: no use of cell phones whatsoever, and keep your junk in your pants— the newest rule, apparently because audiences across the nation have had trouble doing just that at previous screenings in past years, according to Savage’s helpful “State of the Union” themed disclaimer notice broadcast before the films.
As it is this infernal rag’s duty to cover major cultural happenings the way that only we can, we offer our humble coverage for readers to get a sense of the rich tapestry of porn to expect, should they encounter the fest in their nearby city— and you should! But instead of giving a comprehensive rundown of each entry (pun intended), we decided a straightforward list of awards of our choosing bestowed on each competing film would be the best way to provide ample coverage of our experience.
Now, you may be thinking, what makes you, Aimee Murillo, qualified to judge such an awards program? Well, curious reader, given that I’ve been covering film and art for a long time gives an idea of my expertise in the realm of mise-en-scène. Plus, this being my first year attending the fest, I can be as objective as possible with my judgement. Now, cherry popped and notes evaluated, below are the awards I bestow, with at least one going to each film— because, hey, if you’ve got the huevos to show off your huevos on screen to the entire nation, you definitely deserve at least something.
But wait! Before you check out the winners, read Matt Coker’s carefully written list of each contender published last week. And away we go:
BEST FILM: Please
BEST ACTOR: Please
BEST ACTRESS: All of the ones in The Wheel of Fortune
BEST GROUP SEX SCENE: Extreme Wild Fuck
BEST ANAL SCENE: Home for Lunch
BEST ANAL PLAY: Insomniacs
BEST LGBT FILM: Spin
BEST ORAL: Luminous Lust
BEST ART DIRECTION: Bloom
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: Bloom
BEST SAFE SEX: The Punishment
BEST DOCUMENTARY: Porn Yesterday
BEST STORY: My Cathartic Release
BEST ANIMATION: My Cathartic Release
BEST EDITING: The Taskmaster
BEST FETISH FILM: The Taskmaster
BEST MAKEUP: Spin
BEST COSTUME: Spin
BEST COUPLE: Luminous Lust
BEST COMEDY: The Troughman
BEST SUSPENSE/THRILLER: The Wheel of Fortune
BEST DIGITAL STIMULATION: (as in, fingering): The Wheel of Fortune
BEST VANILLA SEX: Around the World in 80 Lays
BEST CUM SHOT: Jump Start My Love
BEST ORGASM (Any sex or gender): Luminous Lust
BEST SEX TOY: the Magic Wand!
BEST KISS: Luminous Lust
MOST ROMANTIC: Unicorn
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE: Porn Yesterday
BEST ORIGINAL SONG: Around the World in 80 Lays
BEST COMFORT ZONE-SHATTERING FILM: Insomniacs
BEST LIGHTING: Spin
BEST LINGERIE: All of Us
BEST PERSONAL KINK PUT ON DISPLAY: Whatever Floats Your Goat
BEST OUTDOOR/ENVIRONMENTAL SEX: Tie between Extreme Wild Fuck and Unicorn
MOST CREATIVE: Paint Party (Honorable Mention: Optic Perve)
TURNED ME ON THE MOST: Please
GROSSSED ME OUT THE MOST: The Taskmaster
To see when the Hump! Film Fest comes to your town, check out their website at https://humpfilmfest.com/. Just make sure not to go ‘balls out’ in the theater!
Aimee Murillo is calendar editor and frequently covers film and previously contributed to the OCW’s long-running fashion column, Trendzilla. Don’t ask her what her favorite movie is unless you want to hear her lengthy defense of Showgirls.