DEAR MEXICAN: I have a Chicana friend who comes from an upper-middle-class family, goes to a prestigious Ph.D. program and has never had to take out student loans or work a real job, but she is constantly complaining about how “oppressed” she is. The examples she gives are seemingly trivial things, such as not being called on in class, a professor being mean to her one time and not feeling “emotionally safe.” She even said my questioning her micro-aggression stories was itself a micro-aggression! I don’t know what to make of it—hanging out with her is hard because I have to walk on eggshells constantly. I know Chicanos and Chicanas who come from objectively worse circumstances and have had way harder lives than she has, yet they don’t act like the world is against them. Does she have a victim mentality?
DEAR GABACHO: We’ve got a name for people like that in Mexican Spanish—fresas, or strawberries because they bruise easily. Okay, so the Mexican doesn’t know the actual etymology of the snobbish meaning of fresa, but makes sense, ¿qué no? Racism against Mexicans does exist in doctoral programs nationwide, and we shouldn’t assume that raza in rarified worlds don’t feel discrimination’s sting (just ask George P. Bush). But it seems as if your pal, to use the old baseball phrase, was born on third base and goes through life thinking she hit un triple. Tell her to work a day as a strawberry picker to know what the hard life really is. That said, Mexicans who suffer real shit and don’t complain aren’t somehow better than llorones—we’re Mexicans in a racist society, after all, not Jesus pinche Christ. And even He cried on the cross.
* * * * *
DEAR MEXICAN: I’m currently incarcerated and have a one-year subscription to a newspaper that carries your column. I am Chicano, and I’m a fan of your column. I just want to ask you a couple of serious questions, and I hope you can personally respond. I’ve been reading up on Mexican history, and I’m a little confused. So my first question is why did the Texas Revolution start in 1836 between Mexicans and Anglos? Secondly, how did the Battle of Texas lead to the Mexican-American War?
Pinto en la Pinta
DEAR HOMIE IN PRISON: I usually don’t answer two preguntas in one shot, but I’ll make an exception for the homies in Chino. Besides, the answer is muy easy. The Texas Revolution started because Americans hate Mexicans. And the Mexican-American War happened because Americans hate Mexicans. And now you know why Donald Trump rescinded DACA. Oh, and #fucktrump.
* * * * *
BUY THESE BOWTIES! Enough negativity—let’s do an experiment! Now more than ever, good Mexicans deserve our support. An ¡Ask a Mexican! fan runs La Moustache, a Los Angeles company that does chingón bowties, but is agüitado that more raza aren’t buying his handcrafted, classy creations. So show him what’s up! Visit lamoustachebt.com and place an order for 30. And this ain’t no payola—I don’t wear bowties. Whenever the Mexican needs to wrap something around his neck for fresa parties, it’s always a cinto piteado tied in a Windsor knot.