DONALD TRUMP TO LEND NAME, MILLIONS, TO FOX FULLERTON THEATER (NOT REALLY)

But he really should. At least there would be something concrete and useful bearing his name after his unfortunate reign atop the shitshow called the American Experiment. But alas, Donald has more pressing matters on his mind than the final steps in restoring this 1925 movie palace to its former grandeur, a 62-year-run that began in 1925 with Charlie Chaplin buggering Mary Pickford as Douglas Fairbanks jacked off Fatty Arbuckle (OK, none of that happened but, man, it should have!) and ended in 1987, with the Mickey Rourke “erotic” (code for boner-inducing with a bottle of Amyl Nitrate tucked into your jeans) film Angel Heart.

Since then, there’s been occasional noise of turning the stately building into an arthouse cinema kind of thing (which would be great for that hot former screw of yours who got stoned at some film school on the East Coast and is a psychotic bitch), a parking lot, or a date with the wrecking ball. But thanks to the Fullerton Historic Theatre Foundation, which was able to purchase the property in the early 2000s, about $16.5 million has been raised since 2004 (California Assemblywoman Sharon Quirk-Silva will present a ceremonial check for $2.5 million to the Fox tonight that her office helped facilitate), and the Fox is close to getting something called “occupancy status” that will allow it to to be open for regular events. The optimistic timeline for that is 12 to 18 months, and there are long-term plans to raise another $20 million to build a 20,000-square-foot addition on the side of the theater that will include green rooms, rehearsal and office space, a reception/event space and lots of other cool things that will most likely not include a wax impression of Anthony Quinn’s rumored 14-inch penis from his Zorba the Greek salad days.

But though still a ways from being able to open regularly, over the years as work on restoring the interior of the Fox has progressed, the space has hosted periodic special events, such as autism comedy nights (unfortunately, the epic flame-out of Sir Andrew Dick did not happen in the Fox), Hollywood in Fullerton fundraisers and, word on the street has it, rehearsals for the Greatest American Play of the 21st Century, which we can’t name because the mook typing this self-serving tripe wrote it but which will run in Brea for three weeks next September. But dad gummint and by jingo, this is a former movie palace and tonight marks the third time since 1987 that the Fox has run an actual film inside the building. The first was Jaws this summer, then Psycho (hey, didn’t we already mention her??), last week and, tonight, Halloween. What do the films have in common? Well, fun facters, just for you: There’s a shark in one and Janet Leigh, the star of Psycho, knocked boots with Tony Curtis, and produced Jamie Lee Curtis, who stars in Halloween and who was rumored for years to be a hermaphrodite, meaning she possesses both a hoo-hah and a wind-ding-doodle, but who really knows or cares–we’re just here for the tawdry gossip!

Anyway, this is the original Halloween, the 1978 John Carpenter-directed film that spawned the fourth-most lucrative horror franchise of all time (according to our friends at Wikipedia), which is at 11 films and counting as well as comic books, a video game and, if you listen to the seventh film backwards while smoking meth and rolling on Molly, the tearful lamentations of Judge Judy Judy Sheindlin, before she was fab. Before the main screening, Fullerton’s own Cory Reeder will screen his short horror film, Trick.

Fox Fullerton, 500 N. Harbor Blvd., Fullerton, Thurs., Oct. 25, 6:30 p.m. doors open, 7 p.m. screening starts. $20. www.foxfullerton.org.

Joel Beers has written about theater and other stuff for this infernal rag since its very first issue in, when was that again???

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