The Year in Fabulous Celebrities

Did you know glamourpuss Mamie Van Doren is still alive . . . in Newport Beach? A People Magazine spread showed the 114-year-old bombshell still cheesecaking after all these years, and her gams are gammy still. How about that mean Dennis Rodman breaking MTV cutie Carmen Electra's tanned-to-within-an-inch-of-melanoma heart by moving to annul their Vegas marriage within a week? How about crooner Chris Isaak showing up in OC twice and neglecting to stop by the Weekly offices with flowers and beer for Commie Girl? How about poor Flo-Jo, who seized the world's attention back in 1984 and then just seized? Then there's Long Beach's poor Paula Jones, who stood the world on its head and got nothing but Late Night jokes about her nose to show for it. Shoulda taken the $750,000 and run, sweetheart. Or poor Jeremy Strohmeyer-yes, you read that right-who was found guilty this year of snapping a tiny girl's neck so he could fingerfuck her in peace. Of course, if he's not schizophrenic (his biological mom was), and if he has as little remorse as his disgusting little friend David Cash, then never mind. Then there's Gene Autry, who foisted the Angels upon us but also gave us the most romantic ditty ever warbled, “South of the Border.” Happy trails. And happy trails to B-1 Bob Dornan. Rest in peace. We've also got Christopher Cox, who managed this year to get himself on every TV talk show known to man-though, sadly, his initiative is lacking and his stick-to-it-iveness lasts about five minutes per run for Speaker of the House. And we're proud to be home to Gloria Matta Tuchman, whose satanic run for state superintendent of public instruction was derailed by voters who don't approve of the far-Right demolishing the teaching of evolution. Then there's our favorite socialite in the whole wide world, Tina Schafnitz, who should be a movie of the week by now. What's taking you so long, Hollywood? Guns, drugs, glamorous rich . . . Christ, if you could crank out an O.J. Simpson TV movie of the week before the trial was over, surely you could rush a Schafnitz biopic to the screen. Get on it! X rocker Billy Zoom is still a cipher. Big Sandy is getting bigger still. Linda Jemison is queen of the world-and queen of hearts. And the county seems to boast such acts as No Doubt, The Offspring, Sugar Ray (anyone else think their new album sounds exactly like OMC's “How Bizarre”?), Save Ferris and-by way of beautiful Bakersfield-Korn. And we've got the televangelists-and the televangelists' stunning new breasts! And we've got Wally George, whose sympathy for his devoted sidekick was stunning in its absence when she was interrogated by the FBI for “threats” made on-air against the president. George was more concerned with his breakfast. We've still got Mossimo, though he's becoming less of a celebrity every day. Have his stocks reached negative numbers yet? And Dick Nixon? Still dead in 1998.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *