Oh, sweet little “innocent” Taylor Swift. This 23-year-old country darling is known for belting out hit after hit while making teeny bopper girls squeal and making prepubescent boys play games of pocket pool. And even after all of the arenas she has sold out and all of the awards she has collected there is still something she has yet to do. Keep a man. Taylor Swift's most recent break-up was with Harry Styles from the boy band One Direction and since it has been made clear that they are never ever, ever, ever getting back together (Yeah we know, this joke is getting old. Blame Taylor for that too.), we thought we could maybe help the young lass out when she starts out on her next quest to find love. It will no doubt happen at any time because just like that dumb “shocked” look she keeps on her face while accepting ovations, this young heart-breaker keeps on looking for love. And the next hit to write about that “love.”
If you've been keeping track of Taylor's past trysts, in no particular order (that's way too much work), we've got some dudes named Brandon Borello and Sam Armstrong before she got into the “big leagues,” and then there was Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer, and young Conor Kennedy. Pardon us if we missed a few since it seems like she changes men as often as us common folk change our Gmail passwords. And we're not passing judgment on her picks but for her next go round we thought we'd lay down some choices for her that might be more…ummm…suitable. So listen up Tay Tay (May we call you that? It's no doubt better than what the media is calling you for man hopping these days.), you don't have to take our advice but here is a list of potential partners that may work out better for you. Hey, don't hate on us for caring, girl!
5. Bradley Cooper
It's been awhile since Taylor's romped with an older man and if she's looking for a hottie, there is no one hotter than Bradley. We're pretty sure millions of women would agree…and be jealous if this actually happened. Not only is Bradley super dreamy, he is also super non-committal. So just in case it doesn't work out, a quick high profile paparazzi-friendly pairing that could also be paired with a quick chart-topping song could be right up Taylor's alley.
4. Prince Harry
Matching up Taylor with Price Harry isn't too far-fetched considering that Taylor is kind of like country royalty at this point. And since we all know that Taylor is well-versed in flashing a fake-ass smile and pretending to be “wowed,” she'd be a natural at kissing the Queen's ass should she ever get introduced to her if she and Harry worked out as a couple. We also noticed that Taylor has never ventured into “ginger territory” and there is no better fiery stud to test out the waters with than the fun loving and adorable Harry. And Taylor in a tiara? Little girls everywhere would just about die!
3. Kris Humphries
Because one girl's trash is another girls treasure and now that TMZ is reporting that Kris is 100% completely herpes free, Taylor might think about taking a ride on a baller. A basket baller that is. Even though Kris has been somewhat tainted by the whole “Kim” thing, this pairing isn't that crazy because they both like the spotlight, are career driven, and are both very family oriented. Plus Taylor is reported to be 5' 11″ so she wouldn't look like a little troll doll next to Kris like his last conquest. See? Not so crazy now, huh?
2. Justin Bieber
If Taylor ever wants to dust off that sweet girl image, J. Beibs is just the man for her. Ex-boyfriend of her bestie Selena Gomez would certainly do the trick causing heads to turn and jaws to drop. “SwiBer” would be the talk of the town generating tabloid stories about “who will write a song about whom first” and pictures of them vacationing in Cabo would be worth millions. Sure it'd ruin a friendship but a juicy scandal is something every starlet needs at least once her life right? Come on Taylor, you're not getting any younger!
1. Rob Kardashian
We know what you're thinking right off the bat but let us explain why we think hands down Rob is the best choice for Taylor in our book. Rob is a total puss. OK, let us break it down. Taylor seems like she likes to “wear the pants” in a relationship and in one with Rob, she would have no problem doing just that. She could write a song about him with lyrics that maybe go something like, “I say come over, you're there in ten. Of course you are. My whipped star.” Instant chart topper. See? Rob would be the perfect mate to Taylor because he is attractive, he wouldn't be in it for the money (he's got his mommy for that), and she'd always have the upper hand. Talk about seeing “sparks fly!”