I Was Not a Beaver

Illustration by Bob AulPhiladelphia update: Another victim of our politically correct times fell when, after more than 125 years, Philadelphia's venerable Beaver College announced it was changing its name to Arcadia University because officials, students and alumni were tired of the derogatory comments and jokes. You'd think that we'd come further as a nation than those dark days centuries ago when beaver were tracked and snatched by bearded men living alone in the woods. Some would say times were never hairier for beaver. Yet here we are, so-called “enlightened” people, still looking down our noses at beaver. Oh, I guess beaver isn't going to win any beauty contests, but is that any reason to disparage beaver? In my family, we revered beaver. My father always said, “Son, you can never have too much beaver,” and he was right. Call me a dreamer, but I think we'd all be better off if we just took time out of our “busy” day to hold beaver, stroke beaver, and let beaver know we are really into it.

Cleveland update: Nothing beaver related of which I am aware.

Philly deux: As you might expect, the Beaver name change has spurred debate all over the state, from Aspers to Bobtown; Chest Springs to Cherryville; Dickson City to Dry Run to Johnsonburg; Stumptown to Shavertown and, yes, Beaver Falls, Beaver Meadows, Beaver Springs, Beaverdale and Beavertown. As to the effect it will have on higher education, many are taking a wait-and-see attitude, especially at such local institutions as Penn State Altoona.

Consensus: “When they came for beaver, I said nothing because I was not beaver. And when they came for titmouse, I said nothing because I was not titmouse. And when they came for the dickcissel, the horned toad, the frilled wad, the pintailed schlong, the beveled testis and the throbbing scarlet ass, I said nothing then because I was not one of these. So when they came for me, a man from Nantucket, there was no one left to stand erect for me.” Think about it. Eagles? Browns? Who cares? Go beaver! Oh, and party naked! Woo!

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