Illustration by Bob AulAddressing 20,000 success-minded sycophants at motivational speaker Tony “Lurch” Robbins' “Peak Performance for the New Millennium” conference at the Pond in Anaheim on Dec. 7, supermodel/supermoney magnet and possible Reform Party presidential candidate Donald Trump doled out the following advice: “Stay focused; be paranoid”; “People tend to be very vicious; they will screw you whenever they can”; and “Get even.”
WILL BARBIE FINALLY BE ABLE TO TELL KEN THEY'RE REAL? Mattel Inc., responding to criticism we told you about a couple of weeks ago about toys made with high levels of toxic plastics known as phthalates, announced on Dec. 7 that it will make future plastic playthings with organically based materials —possibly as soon as 2001. That should give Barbie about the same natural/man-made material ratio as Michael Jackson.
HOW ABOUT F-U? Look for that to be the compromise offer by the pro-airport Orange County Board of Supervisors, which pissed off backers of the anti-airport Safe and Healthy Communities Initiative on Dec. 7 by designating it “Measure F”—rather than A, B, C, D or E—on the March 2000 ballot.
HAVE WE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH TV? We found it damn hard to pay attention to the proceedings at the Dec. 7 Laguna Niguel City Council meeting because of all the celebrity sightings. Mayor Mimi Walters has this whole Demi Moore/ Katie Couric thing going. City manager Tim Casey is the spitting image of Martin Mull—well, Martin Mull eight years ago. Public-works director Ken Montgomery has to be the guy who played the dad on The Wonder Years. We don't remember that actor's name being Ken Montgomery, but where else have you seen him lately?
ARE WE REALLY STARTING A SAVE WALLY FUND? Right-wing nutball TV host Wally George has filed for bankruptcy, the Times Orange County reported on Dec. 7. Send donations to Wally George Productions, P.O. Box 4942, Garden Grove, 92842, because now that Bob Dornan's reign of terror is over, Wally's all we've got around here.
WILL DR. LAURA EVER SHUT HER PIE HOLE? A Superior Court judge on Dec. 8 dismissed Dr. Laura Schlessinger's slander lawsuit against a South Coast Plaza surf-shop owner. Apparently, the laws of the land hold it's not slander to say, “I am not a pornographer” even if Dr. Laura Schlessinger says you are.
IS WILEY WILY? In Clockwork's last thrilling episode, we had the Reverend Wiley Drake of First Southern Baptist Church of Buena Park threatening to use his City Hall-fighting skills on behalf of Plein Air painter Michael Lavery of Laguna Beach. Lavery, who often paints on two canvases at once, was cited under a Laguna Beach law that says putting up more than one easel constitutes an art show. He was headed to court until police dropped all charges against him on Dec. 9. We don't know if that decision was based on common sense or the thought of having to do battle against that wascally Wiley Drake.
WHERE'S THAT GUY FROM FLOCK OF SEAGULLS? The Hair Club for Men on Dec. 10 released its list of the 10 most influential hairstyles of the century. Drum roll, puh-leeze: 1) Elvis Presley; 2) The Beatles; 3) Jim Morrison; 4) Jimi Hendrix; 5) Sy Sperling (founder of de-balding Hair Club for Men); 6) Rod Stewart; 7) Vanilla Ice; 8) Brandon and Dylan from 90210; 9) Michael Jordan; 10) George Clooney. Sperling gives himself credit in his own press release for making “I'm not only the Hair Club president; I'm also a client” part of the pop-culture vernacular. He's being modest: he also made “Hey, is that a weasel on your head?” part of the pop-culture vernacular.
Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the paper’s first calendar editor. He went on to be managing editor, executive editor and is now senior staff writer.