July 14 – July 21

Thurs/July 14
The OrangeCountyMuseumofArtscreens ThePornographer. Like Justice Potter Stewart, who wrote the book on obscenity, I don't know much about porn, but I know what I like! 8:30 p.m. Free! OCMA,850SanClementeDr.,NewportBeach,(949)759-1122.

Last time I saw X(playing an all-ages, $19.99 show tonight at 7 p.m. at the Pacific Amphitheatre, Orange County Fairgrounds, Fair Dr., Costa Mesa, (714) 708-1500; www.ocfair.com), some fucker in the pit ripped my pretty little camisole, elbowed me in the tit, and kicked me good and hard in my bad knee for no other reason than it was there. I suspect that will happen somewhat lessat Barnes&Noble'sHarryPotterMidnightMagicPartywith HarryPotterand the Half-BloodPrincealong with crafts, trivia, games and more—but knowing what manic twats those Harry Potter freaks are, I could be very, very wrong. 9:30 p.m.-midnight. Free! Barnes&Noble,6326E.PacificCoastHwy.,LongBeach,(562)431-2253.

You probably love HotRodZombiescar shows and parties, and you're allowed. But the real reason I'm recommending this show with Three Bad Jacks, Moonlight Cruisers, Chop Tops, Los Creepers, Lil Luis yLos Wild Teens, The Henchmen, The Dynotones, Mad Marge, The Southerners, and Border Hoppin' Boysis the appearance by the Lords of Altamont. Last time I saw those freaks, they were perfect Factory-circa-1972, while big-thighed, leather-clad go-go dancers in Greek fishermen's caps shook what their mamas gave them and the singer lit his keys on fire—a move I hadn't seen since The Toilet Boys, but then I don't get out much. 8 p.m. All ages. $15. Galaxy Concert Theatre, 3503 S. Harbor Blvd., Santa Ana, (714) 957-0600; www.galaxytheatre.com.

Is it weirdthat AlanisMorissetteis taking her JaggedLittlePillAcousticTourto the bluehairs at the Orange County Performing Arts Center? Yeah, I thought so too! With Jason Mraz. 8 p.m. $54.50-$69.50. All ages. Orange County Performing Arts Center, Segerstrom Hall, 600 Town Center Dr., Costa Mesa, (714) 556-2787; www.ocpac.org.

Despite the unbelievably pathetic way YourAnaheimAngelsrolled over to offer the SeattleMarinerstheir pert little bottoms last Thursday (and I so completely don't understand why we haven't yet fired Colon), I still think you might as well go see them playing against the Oakland Athletics. Why? Because it's Monday. What, you got something better going on? 7:05 p.m. See website for ticket prices. Angel Stadium, 2000 Gene Autry Way, Anaheim, (888) 796-HALO; anaheim.angels.mlb.com.

You really, really should go see Jay Buchanan, Chris Paul Overalland Sara Overallat the Gypsy. They're rock stars' rock stars, with songs that veer between slamming you into a wall and reaching (tenderly) down into your pants. Which is totally different from that wall thing. 9 p.m. $5-$8. 21+. The Gypsy Lounge, 23600 Rockfield Blvd., Ste. 3A, Lake Forest, (949) 206-9990; www.thegypsylounge.com.

If you can't make time at Del Mar's Opening Day, with the ocean to one side and nobly heaving stallions to the other (not to mention all the sun- and booze-drenched beauties—do yourselves a favor, and take the train), you are a disgrace, and should have your bits confiscated forthwith. Post time is 2 p.m., fuckers! And I will see you there! $8; parking, $5 (but you're not driving, remember?). Del Mar Race Track, Del Mar, (858) 793-5533; www.dmtc.com.

Thurs/July 21
I heard something bad about Long Beach's long-awaited new cabaret-style club/hipster hangout, The Basement: I heard they have a huge bouncer, with, like, a headset.Why does everything have to be so very very?But you know what should be good anyway? Lukewarm Quartet, playwright SteveLamprinosand our dear DJ Eyad. Keep in mind the following two hideous words: dress code. Get yer Newport on! 8 p.m. Call for covers. 21+. The Basement, 149 Linden Ave., B-100, Long Beach, (562) 901-9090; www.basementlounge.com.

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