From roasting to razzing, Lisa Lampanelli, the self-proclaimed “lovable queen of mean” has mastered the smile-inducing slam. Her awesomely biting way with words has fans taking the comedian's verbal lashings and begging for more. From race to religion to handicapping (and I'm not talking golf) her show is peppered with political incorrectness, profanity and, best believe, everyone's getting abused. And, yes, people adore the punishment. With sold out shows nationwide, Lampanelli returns to Orange County Friday to perform at the Grove of Anaheim.
OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): True or false? I read somewhere that you once had sex with a 400 pound man.
Lisa Lampanelli: Aww, Big Frank was actually a relationship I had about 10 years ago. He was the funniest guy in the world but he was 400 pounds, and it's very hard to straddle a guy like that. You also ain't gonna let him get on top. I was attracted to him because big Italian guys look like they're “mobbed up.” He would even imply, “I'm connected.” I was like, yeah, “To a fork you fat bastard!” Unfortunately, Frank died last year. That's the problem, everyone I date ends up dying.
Do you take that personal?
Hell yeah! I should have a TV show called “the Deadliest Snatch.” I don't know what's more dangerous, having sex with me or playing the Joker in Batman.
So now that you've lost weight would you ever hump a 400 pound guy again?
That's the thing, I'm engaged now to a big guy named “Jimmy Big Balls.” But he's more muscular than fat. I'm like, “You wanna date me? You're eye candy, OK? I don't need a Chunky Bar so get in the gym and work out!”
Lisa Lampanelli requires a hot-looking fluffer?
Yeah, oh my God. Jimmy's so cool and so nice. We're getting married October 2. He's a brick house. He's a good lady of leisure too. Like, he sits around and does the vacuuming while I go out and earn the money. I'm an earner, what can I tell ya?
So have you been making people laugh all of your life?
I was always kind of outrageous and a little ballsy in school but I was never like, “Oh, I can do comedy.” Then I hit [age] 30 and was like, “Wait a minute, I'm a journalist and I'm earning $12 grand a year–let me try this thing I always pushed to the back of my mind.” Thank God it worked because you know what? It's pretty nice to say the “C” word for a living and get millions of dollars.
Must be nice! I do love the “C” word. Not so much the “P” word, though. It sounds kind of gross.
Oh, hell yes! I hate it. It's totally gross. It's like the word “moist.” I also hate the term “Juicy Couture” because they are two words that are gross together.
Ha! Speaking of “juicy,” how was it when you met Kim Kardashian at the Bravo A-List Awards?
Kim was very humble when I met her. She came up to me with the sisters. I was all shy like, “Oh my God! We love you!” Then she Twittered about me and I was honored. It's funny because I'm obsessed with reality show people liking me. Believe me, I have all this talent but I'm worried about a girl who sucked Ray J's dick enjoying me.
Keeping with reality, do you think the cast of Jersey Shore is properly representing your Italian peeps?
Believe it or not, I haven't watched it. But I do love it already because it created controversy and got some Italians pissed off. It's like Italians, “Stop taking yourselves so seriously. Shut up! Pick the part you're given, stupid!” I hate people who get offended because their stereotypes are true. Ummm, hello? There wouldn't be stereotypes if they weren't true.
So, what do you think went wrong with Tiger Woods?
I thought he was very white but apparently, he's very black, due to the fact that he has banged a lot of white women. I'm proud that he's finally embraced his black heritage because for a while I just thought he was a hard-working Asian. Now he's blacker so I give him props. And him in sex rehab, it just cracks me up. Yeah, he's going to learn a lot and be really healed when he gets out. I just love the fact that he finally showed who he is. You know, just embrace it! Who cares if you're a sex addict? Bang everything in sight. You got a billion dollars!
Since you're changing the rules for females, do you think the new saying should be, “Take it like a woman”? Or is it still a man's world?
Uhhh no. Women are still pussies and act like big babies half the time. More women at my shows annoy me more than guys do. So I still say “take it like a man.” Women are still fags. I don't know who cries more, women or gay men. I'll get back to you on that.
Who do you think is the most overrated comedian of all times in your book?
Ha! Nice try! Trying to get me to talk shit about Dane Cook. No, everybody tries to get me to say bad things about other comics because they think I'm mean, but I'm super nice at heart. I could never sit through anyone's set who's clean and clever. I'd rather shoot myself in the face than go see Seinfeld even though I know he's funny. I'm just not into it. I'll go see hardcore guys like Nick Dipaolo and Jim Norton. See, I carefully skirted your original question and told you who I do like!
Sassy and professional, I can dig it. I'm glad you mentioned my comedy crush Jim Norton. Is he really freaky or is it just a shtick?
See, you're obviously damaged goods and you're very attracted to him as a psychotic. I think you need to get some spiritual help. He'd have you shit on him in a minute–he's into it. Put it this way, if it's in his book and in his act, he's into it. The guy don't lie.
Every time I see you on Jay Leno he acts like a total prude. Is he really like that, I mean he has to know what he's in for right?
I think Jay has to play both sides. He has to be lovable to America and act like, “Oh my god, I'm shocked!” In actuality, he comes backstage before every show and says, “Do whatever you want, it doesn't matter, we'll bleep you, who cares!” That's very freeing for someone like me who wants to be like that. What's also great about Jay is he is actually the only host that I've ever had come backstage before you go on. No one else ever comes back and says “hi” to you. It's really cool that he does that. I think he just gets it as a comic that you'd like that. As screwed up as his ratings were at 10 p.m., he's still a gentleman to me.
Has anyone (and by anyone, I mean dumbass) confronted you after a show because they were offended by something you said?
At this point. I get really retarded complaints. I played this place about a year ago and my opener didn't show up so I did a two hour show by myself, which really turned out great. Afterwards, this lady comes up to me and says, “I was in the audience and you didn't look up in the balcony once.” Typical fucking Jew. And I jokingly go, “Oh, you waited too long to buy your seats dopey, maybe next time you'll get them on the floor to be a real fan.” She says in her Jew accent, “I mean, it was horrible, like we didn't even count!” I go, “You are such a fucking Jew, could you complain about anything else?” So now I glance up in the top like once or twice just in case that bitch is in the audience. People want to be made fun of more and I think that's really cool. That's the only criticism I really get.
Lisa Lampanelli at the Grove of Anaheim, Fri., Feb. 12, 8 p.m. $46.
Ali Lerman knows much about comedy, basketball, and celebrating Wu-Tang Wednesday. She’s been writing for sixteen years and still calls her mom with grammatical questions.