Yo Quiero Mocha Java

YO QUIERO MOCHA JAVA Irvine-based Diedrich Coffee on Nov. 16 inked a deal in which Taco Bell franchisees will build 50 new Diedrich coffeehouses in San Diego, Temecula and Palm Springs over the next five years. Diedrich operates 36 coffeehouses in California, Colorado and Texas and has an agreement with North Carolina's Taco Bell franchisee for 44 new shops in that state. The ex-Taco Bell execs who hold top posts at Diedrich have embarked on an aggressive strategy to use fast-food know-how to build the chain's national name recognition in a market dominated by Seattle-based Starbucks, the McDonald's of lattes. As Irvine-based Taco Bell's market share has increased dramatically since the introduction of a lovable, sad-eyed, Latino-stereotype, revolution-slogan-spewing Chihuahua named Dinky, Clockwork believes the following can't be far behind: “AWW! HEE AWW! Hola, muchachos, it is I: Francisco, Diedrich Coffee's lovable, sad-eyed, Latino-stereotype, revolution-slogan-spewing burro. Every day, I travel deep into hills way south of the border, where peasants fill my sacks with coffee beans they picked in the fields. AWW! HEE AWW! Am I a revolutionary because my masters have provided safe passage for our beans by forming alliances with terrorists who have waged war against coffee production? Because we are part of the “solidarity” movement that combats poverty and dismal working conditions in developing countries by ensuring that coffee producers receive fair prices in international markets for their beans? Because we buy only from certified organic co-ops whose production techniques respect their ecosystems and contribute to the sustainable use of natural resources? No way, Jose! I am a revolutionary because it hoodwinks you into thinking you are making some sort of individual stand when you come into our stores for our mass-produced beverages. AWW! HEE AWW! Look at me! I'm not a corporate sheepherder. I'm edgy, damn it! VIVA WIENER MÉLANGE!”

FUNNY PAGES Hats off to OC Metro for a fab satirical piece in its Nov. 19 issue titled “10 Ways to Treat Yourself Special During the Holidays.” Obviously poking fun at the crass avarice of OC's upper crust, the feature featured such holiday stress relievers as a holiday-season jaunt to Palm Desert (No. 1); renting a limo and sipping “something bubbly as you shuttle from boutique to boutique” (No. 6); and buying “a new sleigh,” a.k.a. a Mercedes-Benz (No. 10). It's great to know the Weekly has brothers and sisters in the local media who will dedicate valuable editorial space to lampooning gross overindulgence during what was once regarded as the season of giving. Way to go, guys!

GIVE TILL IT HURTS This being the season and all, Clockwork would like to conclude this week by pointing out some causes worth consideration-after you've hit the spa in Palm Springs, taken a limo for a shopping spree, and bought your Benz. Second Harvest, the food bank of Orange County Society of St. Vincent de Paul, needs any food or money you can spare for the needy. Call (714) 771-1343. Jamal Agzour of Costa Mesa was killed in a car accident in October. His wife, Diana, and 17-month-old son, Zak, need baby clothes, baby size 8 shoes, and funds to help replace the family car that was demolished in the collision. Make out a check to Zak Agzour, and send it in care of trust officer Judy Leach at California State Bank, Branch No. 16, 2101 E. Pacific Coast Hwy., Corona del Mar, CA 92625. Finally, exotic dancers at Scamps, who've put smiles on scores of horny men's faces, want to put smiles on the faces of needy children this Christmas morning (not that way, pervo!). Bring your dirty car to Scamps between noon and 4 p.m. on Dec. 5, and-we swear this is what the press release says-“the ladies will be lathered up, watered down, and ready to scrub your . . . ahem . . . vehicles” (okay, we added the “ahem”). All money raised will be divided equally and given to underprivileged OC kids. Scamps is located at 7000 Garden Grove Blvd. in Westminster.

OC Weekly Editor-in-Chief Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the alternative newsweekly’s first calendar editor.

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