Ph.Darwin [Hey, You!]

Illustration by Bob Aul

Dear blond, male Fullerton College student: It must have been difficult keeping that cellphone stuck to your ear with your head so far up your ass. Luckily for you, I’ve developed the ability to not only spot guys like you walking around in parking lots, but also drive accordingly. Your total lack of situational awareness had you darting impulsively and unpredictably between the street and the vicinity of the crosswalk, as you frantically scanned the horizon for someone a hundred yards away without giving a second thought to a moving vehicle just a few feet from you. Such a vehicle would have the potential of injuring you seriously if the driver were not as attentive as I am. C’mon, buddy, do yourself and the people who have to drive near you a favor and pay attention so you can get that AA instead of a Darwin.

Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to letters@ocweekly.com.

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