Denver update: I’ve always found Coloradoans try a bit too hard to emulate the reputed laid-back lifestyle of Southern Californians. It was as if they took the Golden State’s surf culture and attempted to adapt it to ski culture, which, as anyone who has watched any movies from the ’80s knows, is rife with harshly colored polyester and douchebags named Brad who coast off their dad, who owns the largest Jeep dealership in the region. Fuck you, Brad! But things have flipped. First, of course, it was with weed, which Colorado legalized long before Californians. Now, the state just elected Jared Polis, who became the country’s first openly gay governor. And before you say anything, remember Polis is the first “openly” gay governor, so, no, Mike Pence’s time as governor of Indiana doesn’t count.
Oakland update: Times have always been rough in Oakland; that’s part of its special charm, allure and danger. Oakland is the Danny Trejo of cities, which would make neighboring San Francisco the municipal Brad: better looking, more money, always bragging, always scheming. Consider that the Golden State Warriors were based in Oakland for decades and, for most of that time, were a pretty bad NBA team. Nonetheless, locals supported them whole-heartedly. Then, when they became an iconic NBA champion, San Francisco swooped in and began chatting them up, and now the Warriors are leaving Oakland to play in San Francisco. Fuck you, Brad! It’s tough being the second banana—you know, what Long Beach plays to Los Angeles, what Stanton plays to Anaheim, what Anaheim plays to Disneyland. Now, Oakland is losing the Raiders to Las Vegas, which is basically Brad with a slew of undisclosed STDs. Though they will lose their beloved Raiders, on the bright side, Oaklanders will also say goodbye to Mark Davis, whose haircut and rather dull-witted actions make him appear like that banjo-playing kid from Deliverance, a less attractive Brother-Daddy.
Root for: Oakland. The Raiders are being sued for a few hundred million by Oakland for bolting. In fact, the team may have to leave the city before its stadium is ready in Las Vegas, so it may be looking to crash on some other city’s couch for next season. One possible destination mentioned is San Diego, so it might want to start setting up the triage now. And, on a personal note, Mike Pence, you just take your time; when the time’s right to make your special announcement, just know we’ll all be there for you, girl.