Philadelphia update: A city best known for a broken bell and a cheesesteak—which, in its traditional form, is not made with cheese, but with Cheez Whiz, the second worst kind of Whiz—is not a place with high expectations. In fact, one of the most common civic discussions in Philly is “Do you smell that? It smells like—oh, gawd, do you smell that?” Philadelphia Magazine ran a piece called “Philadelphia: Worst Smelling City in America?” That was followed by the Passyunk Post, which asked, “What is that cat-urine smell in parts of South Philly?” Which led to PhillyVoice’s investigation “Does your Philly tap water smell like moldy lemons?” Which led to lots of Philadelphians asking, “And we live here, why?”
New England update: You have real hatred for the New England Patriots, and you are confused. Afterall, the region is not only the birthplace of our country, such as it is, but it’s also pretty blue—not like California (how’s my blue taste, Central Valley?), but blue enough. So why the hate for the Patriots? Look, you’re a feeling human being, and the Patriots are a soul-sucking blight upon the cultural landscape, you know, like cancer and Pokémon GO. The question isn’t why you hate the Patriots, but rather if you don’t hate the miserable, smug, Cheater McCheatersons, then why do you also like cancer?
Consensus: Yes, when it comes to misery, Philadelphians take a backseat to no one, primarily because they are also thoughtless and rude. But say this for our Philly brothers: Though they pretty much coined the phrase “Think you’re better than me?,” there is something vaguely noble to be found in their low self-esteem. For instance, when someone on TripAdvisor wrote, “I’m staying at an Airbnb in South Philly. Whilst driving around, something smelled terrible, like chemical sulfur/cat piss. I thought it was just in one area, but I drove around for a while, and everywhere I go smells like this.” (Yes, I, too, noticed “Airbnb” and “South Philly” used in connection with each other and am at a loss. As for “Whilst,” dude, think you’re better than me?) The TripAdvisor question was answered by redoubtable Philly sage “cheeeeeeese,” who properly postulated, “thats [sic] how our city smells if you dont [sic] like it gtfo.” Smells like victory! Fly Eagles!