FRANCE UPDATE: When last we updated our French cousins, President Emmanuel Macron had just fallen out of love with Donald Trump because, you know, eww. The fact that Macron and Trump had ever played footsy in the first place would be surprising unless you know Macron, who is 39-going-on-Divine-Right. It recently came to light he spent huge public dollars on an outdoor pool at a 17th-century home while cutting housing allowances for the poor. It’s good to be the kind . . . well, actually no. Macron’s poll numbers took a steep dive (you’re welcome), forcing him to pledge a more “humble” style of leadership. He pledged to be humble while speaking at the Palace of Versailles, which, for those of you who haven’t been there, is about as humble as Melania Trump’s toe-ring condo. The Palace of Versailles is to humble what cookies are to ass.
ENGLAND/CROATIA UPDATE: So, the machinations of print journalism being what they are, this is being written a day before England and Croatia play to meet France in the World Cup Final. There are many things in both countries to root for. Croatia is a gorgeous country, its topography so other-worldly that Game of Thrones is shot there. Speaking of gorgeous, judging from the players on the pitch and the fans in the stands, Croats are an unusually attractive people. In fact, the only thing unattractive about the Croats is the name Croats, which sounds like some kind of mucus-y condition derived from a severe deficiency of vitamin D. That being said, most of the world is probably rooting for the English to get to the final because these two squads just plum don’t like each other. No, really. That’s not a sports thing. They’ve been murdering each other for years, centuries. What a wonderful thing that these two basically created modern western culture. It’s like having John Wayne Gacy and the Zodiac Killer as your Poppa and Nani.
ROOT FOR: England (if they qualify). France is clearly the superior team, but they were back when Napoleon was doing his thing, and the English found a way. Of course, a loss will drop the French into more of a funk than they are in already. In a recent poll, a majority in the country said France is in decline. Chins up, France. Do you know how many Americans wish our country was only in a decline and not the present “Two Clicks Past Dumpster Fire When You Can Only Afford a Dumpster to Live In”? Coming home!