- OC Weekly - https://ocweekly.com -

Political Fútbol: Panama vs. Tunisia

PANAMA UPDATE: Nearly seven years ago to the day, Donald Trump stood at a podium in Panama City on the occasion of the opening of his Ocean Club condo complex and thanked Panamanian President Ricardo Martinelli. “You’re my friend,” Trump said, and as we know, that is an exclusive group limited to G-list celebrities, homicidal dictators, the staff of Fox and Friends, any “models” who may currently be experiencing visa problems, and fellas such as Martinelli, who allegedly helped embezzle $45 million from a government school-lunch program to use public funds to spy on more than 150 political opponents. Martinelli claims all of this is part of a government “vendetta,” you know, a witch-hunt—you’ve heard of those, right? There are so many similarities between Trump and Martinelli that it’s like they share the same brain; I’m told Trump gets it on alternating weekends.

TUNISIA UPDATE: Tunisia is the kind of country Americans love to exoticize. It’s small, with about 11 million people; it’s old (its previous address was Carthage); and—wait for it—it’s in Africa! Yes, it’s one of those countries we love to patronize while saying it really makes you appreciate our own country. After all, what does Tunisia have that we don’t? What’s that? One of the lowest rates of corruption in the world? Well, now, that doesn’t sound very friendly. It also has a healthy trade relationship with the rest of the world, devoid of tariffs? Incredibly, it also has a friendly relationship with So-Much Worse-Than-North-Korea Canada, with whom they are preparing to sign a Foreign Investment Promotion and Protection Agreement to establish an equal strategic partnership in things such as modern technologies, scientific research and artificial intelligence, the latter being what happens every other weekend at the White House.

CONSENSUS: Martinelli fled prosecution in Panama and wound up in a luxury waterfront condo in Miami. Funny, the whole time Trump was going on and on about the criminal immigrant element—M-13 this and Mexican rapists that—he didn’t once mention his dirty little friend who had fleeced kids out of lunch and who was facing 20 other corruption charges. That’s right, 20 corruption charges, or as the Mueller investigation folks call it, “The shit we found out Tuesday.” With friends like that, we’re rooting for Tunisia.