U.S. UPDATE: The U.S. Men’s National Team will not be in the upcoming World Cup because it couldn’t handle the juggernaut that is Trinidad and Tobago, and by handle, we don’t mean beat T&T—as it is known to friends—but tie. All they had to do was tie the Caribbean nation of 1.3 million people and one conjunction, and they couldn’t do it. Some people pin the team’s failures to its previous coach, German-born Jurgen Klinsmann, who, players complained, was cold and lacking in empathy and human feeling, which would seem to fit his background as he’s lived in both Huntington and Newport Beach.
WORLD CUP 2018 UPDATE: The problem is that the U.S. is not used to having to play other people’s games. If we’re not good at something, we just make up something of our own to dominate. Cricket becomes baseball, rugby becomes football, Pop Idol becomes the Electoral College. Problem is, we haven’t invented anything that’s even close to as popular as soccer. The world loves it, which is why the World Cup and not the Olympics is the biggest event in the world. But we’re not part of the Paris Accords, and that’s worked out just fine. Oh, wait . . .
WORLD CUP 2026 UPDATE: The U.S. has been looking like a sure bet to get into the 2026 World Cup. Not because we’d be any better at soccer, but simply because we have the infrastructure to host the World Cup, and if you host, you’re automatically in. Basically, we’re the unpopular kid who lets the rest of the world come over and drink our parents’ booze so we can kind of hang out with them before Belgium hands us our ass. All we have to do is make sure to not call other countries shitholes or other people rapists or animals. Yeah, this should work out just fine. Oh, wait . . .