Want to have fresher breath? Plug up hair loss? Rev up your sex drive and stamina? Anesthetize back pain, arthritis and headaches? If you answered yes to any of these, then look no farther than your ass. These are some of the purported benefits of colon hydrotherapy, or, if you prefer—and who doesn't?—poop chute powerwashing. The goal is to wipe away intestinal mucous buildup that colon hydrotherapists blame for 85 percent of the body's ails. As you may have guessed, medical professionals stop just short of saying this is a bunch of crap.
First, you must know that there is a big difference between your run-of-the-hose enema and colon hydrotherapy. Most enemas only clean the rectum area, while the high colonic uses pumped water to clean all five-and-a-half feet of large intestine. This involves a six-inch-long anus speculum, a pumping machine (with a built-in, lighted waste-viewing window) and 25 to 35 gallons of water heated at body temperature.
Colonically courageous OC Weekly colleague Linda Nelson agreed to undergo a session of colon cleansing with a registered colon hydrotherapist in Long Beach. Here's her story, along with commentary from Nurse Kathy Takaki of the medical office of Dr. Glenn Madokoro, a Newport Beach gastroenterologist.
Linda Nelson: The colon hydrotherapist told me to lie down on my side with one leg across the other. On the wall, there was a white metal box with some tubes coming out. With sterilized gloves, she took an end of the plastic tube covered in lubricating jelly and slid it into my ass. It was cold. The whole time, she asked questions about how often I poop and what it was like. With this hard plastic thing up my ass, I could barely answer the questions. She kept telling me to breathe deep and relax. Nurse Kathy Takaki: Dr. Madokoro does not recommend colon hydrotherapy. It falls outside traditional medicine into the area of holistic medicine. You know, that stuff Deepak Chopra talks about. Colon hydrotherapy isn't medically recommended and can cause problems. The colon can rupture. We have patients who are embarrassed to admit that they got a high colonic and got sick. They won't tell Dr. Madokoro at first because they know the procedure isn't medically accepted, but eventually, it comes out. Linda Nelson: My stomach started to expand as the lukewarm water filled my colon. When it felt like it was going to burst, I'd tell her to stop, and she would reverse the flow. I could last two or three minutes of pumping at a time, but then I had to stop. She was massaging my abdomen, and at first, nothing came out but water. That's when all the fun began, when some shit finally came out. You can see your own evacuations as the water goes back down the tube. Oh, yes, she could see that I was constipated because nothing but dark, hard little pieces—like stones—went floating down the tube. I was watching my shit float down this transparent tube. Nurse Kathy Takaki: The mucous [that hydrotherapists claim is unhealthy] is actually normal. Mucous is a normal part of stool. If the benefits of colon hydrotherapy were really true, you can be sure a drug company would have patented it to make a billion dollars. Linda Nelson: She turned me over onto my back. With the tube still in my anus, she started to bang on my body with what she called a Bonger, which was a little rubber ball on a stick. This thing is supposed to get the lymph nodes going to help me evacuate better. Finally, she pulled the tube out of my ass. There was my crap clogging up the tube, to which she said, “Oh, there it is.” I hustled to the toilet and unloaded for about five minutes. It wasn't pretty. Brown water. No Barbie shoes, though. Nurse Kathy Takaki: That story about a woman finding a Barbie shoe—swallowed in childhood—after a colon cleansing is probably one of those urban legends. I'm not sure it could stay in there for so long. If a Barbie shoe were stuck in the colon, it would lead to an infection. Linda Nelson: After my release, I cleaned myself up, put on my clothes and left. I was advised not to eat any gassy or spicy foods until the next day to give my colon a break. I didn't feel like I was going to shit myself until I got about a mile away from the clinic. I started to cramp up and felt like I needed to take a dump real bad. I drove around the block looking for a parking space, but the cramps stopped. I made it home, but just to be safe, I unloaded some more. It's amazing how much water one colon can hold. The hydrotherapist recommended that I do it again, especially since I'm so backed-up. But I'm not ready to pay for it again so soon. [The session cost $65.] Nurse Kathy Takaki: Colon hydrotherapy sessions really are a waste of money. Linda Nelson: I'll just try some broccoli, cabbage or onions. Onions really make me go.
