We've been able to stay silent until now. So far, this season of Real Housewives of Orange County, save for one '80s-tastic, crimped hair-pulling Bunco party blowout between Vicki and Gretchen, has been pretty tame. But we can't stand idly by when a cake terrorist is on the loose in O.C. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, Sarah's got low blood sugar, and no fondant is safe.
But before we get to that scandal, a bit of happy news: Tamra and Eddie are engaged! Certainly nobody didn't see that coming. With the ink barely dry on her divorce papers, the time was right for Tamra to swoop back in from her romantic trip to Bora Bora with a big, fat knuckle-buckler to make all her friends whose boyfriends can't make their child support payments jealous.
Tamra celebrated over dinner with Heather and Gretchen, though prior to Gretchen's arrival, the other two gals wondered if G would take the news well. It was only a few episodes ago that Gretchen's boyfriend Slade was seen shopping for a cubic zirconia with which to profess his love. But Gretchen showed up sporting giant electric blue feather earrings one normally reserves to wear on a parade float (it's as if Gretchen knew she may be faced with Tamra's giant honkin' diamond, so she overcompensated) and beamed with joy over Tamra's news.
Vicki, however, was nowhere to be found.
Sayeth Tamra, she'd called her former BFF a few times to share the news but got no phone call back. It says a lot about the state of Vicki and Tamra's alliance, which we've watched crumble throughout the season. Even a true frenemy would at least fake her support.
But this episode was really about celebrating a different O.C. couple — the Dubrows, who after 15 years of marriage can finally be called that. Heather legally took her husband's last name, so to celebrate, she threw herself a “naming” party, the centerpiece of which was a semi-hideous cake with her new initials inscribed on it.
But a cake alone does not a party make. Heather turned it up on her already show-stopper of a house, setting up the backyard to look like a swanky lounge, decking it out with flowers and of course, making sure the “champs” was flowing. Every girl gets a glass with a diamond in it, Heather tells us, and for one lucky lady, that diamond is real.
Seriously? Heather is so grotesquely rich she can afford to give diamonds away as party favors? And if that's the case, can't she throw Slade a bone? Geez.
Alexis arrives with a brave face, having not seen most of her fellow Housewives since the big Costa Rica gang-up. For this, of course, she's criticized. The other women can't believe Alexis is acting like “nothing happened.” So…they mock her for taking the high road? They'd prefer she be cold? Can this girl do no right?
One major mistake on Alexis' part, however, was having Sarah in tow — the liquor-loving hanger-on who's apparently dating a 60-year-old. (What? Please give us details on this in the comments.) Alexis tried to keep her girl in check, warning her in the bathroom that she had “drunk eyes,” but sadly Alexis didn't know about Sarah's diabetic issues. In a moment of low insulin, Sarah nipped the tiny edge of the decorative bow that topped Heather's sacred cake. “I need sugar all the time!” Sarah later explained, but Heather wasn't buying it.
Instead of simply apologizing for inappropriately groping the cake, Sarah proceeded to call Heather “fake” and “pretentious,” then, we can only assume, head back to the bar. The episode ended in with a cliffhanger “To be continued…” banner, leaving us at the edge of our seats. Will the cake survive?
Part two of this epic finale airs next week, and we're counting the days.
Follow Ali Trachta on Twitter @MySo_CalLife. Follow Heard Mentality at @OCWeeklyMusic and on Facebook.