Shit People Sent Us

Earlier this year, we received a press release. It was blank. And so were our expressions.

Fine items like that don't make it into the listings (obviously) or even the circular file. We save them for our amusement and, subsequently, yours (if there's actually something to see) in our annual assemblage of crappy PR. As Brak from Space Ghost Coast to Coasthas so eloquently put it, “For the pupupu platter . . . it's the extra the pu that makes all the difference.”

CHICHI FOR FIFI[F]or the discriminating dog that has everything, In the Company of Dogs suggests the wrought-iron Bau Wau Haus. The ornamental doghouse provides a cool and shady backyard retreat for the regal “dog of the manor.” The majestic trellis can be complemented with flowering, climbing vines to make it even more magnificent. (Small: $850. Large: $975.) WE'RE IMPRESSEDEver since Nobody's Angel first got together, things have just naturally fallen into place. With their appearance last season on the smash ABC comedy Boy Meets World and a breakout song on The Parent Trapsoundtrack (“Let's Get Together”), the Angels were first introduced to the world. JACK LAYS AN EGGJack's expecting, and boy, is he one proud papa. So proud that he and the missus will announce the new arrival in the latest opus from Jack in the Box restaurants. Is it a boy, a girl, a clown? Nope, it's the newly expanded Chicken Supreme sandwich. The apple of Jack's eye, the new and improved Chicken Supreme offers guests more cluck for their buck . . .

Before and after: Local philanthropists/ 'dozer enthusiasts
William and Louise Meiklejohn

WAYS NOT TO SAY I LOVE YOUOkay, you've ordered the fabulous roses for your sweetheart this Valentine's Day. Now, what will you write on the card? Stumbling for words? Fear not, romantically challenged. Here are a few suggestions from the cupids at 1-800-FLOWERS.COM: “To my special Valentine, I love you more than ESPN's Sports Center”; “There aren't enough moments in the day to let you know how much I love you. . . . I guess that's why they invented nights”; “For all you do, these buds are for you!”; “I've fallen for you, and I can't get up.”

Give a ton of love this Valentine's Day. . . . Say “I love you” with a manatee! For $20, Save the Manatee Club will send your valentine an adoption certificate . . .

SEX SELLSThe Qbe [Personal Computing Tablet] isn't all brains and brawn—it's also extremely good looking. Sleek, svelte and curved in all the right places, the Qbe has been dubbed “stunning” and “sexy” by the industry's top media. Back at the office, or even at home, the “Qbist” can place it on his or her desk or coffee table and impress just about everyone.

Be afraid: Newport Dunes Resort is planning
an “Egg”citing Easter Weekend Celebration.
SON OF A B!A few years back after coming across a crew of workers feverishly tossing sandbags one at a time in the driving rain, my best buddy, Steve Williams, called me proclaiming he had found his calling. Since he had called me dozens of times in the past proclaiming the same thing, I took it with a grain of salt. . . . He's had great ideas in the past but this time he ran this one by me I sat back and realized “son of a b” he has found his calling. What has taken nearly two years of failures, $150,000, almost losing his home, and his mind, Steve was recently granted a U.S. patent and worldwide patent pending protection for his Superior Sandbag and Barricade System.

PUN-ISHMENTVisit 1-800-FLOWERS. COM for boo-tiful gifts, such as the Happy Jack Bouquet, and for more Halloween fun that will make you scream with delight.

The Washington Apple Commission announced the official beginning of its annual Search for Granny Smith—a nationwide hunt to find the perfect grandmother to promote the state's famous fruit. “We're looking for on-the-go grannies,” Kristen Malott, search coordinator for the commission. “Someone who personifies the healthful attributes of our apples.” Malott said that a successful candidate should meet the following guidelines: •Be sweet to the core and have good moral fiber. •Be hand-picked by children, grandchildren, spouse or friends. •Have beauty that's more than skin deep, and just the right amount of maturity. •Have “a-peel.”

DIDN'T SOMEONE DIE IN THE END?Can you relate to Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet's characters in Titanic? How about Ryan O'Neal and Ali MacGraw playing star-crossed lovers from disparate backgrounds whose love faced the ultimate test in the 1970 hit film Love Story. If your life resembles these melodramatic tales where couples were forced to overcome adversity in the name of love, then you may be eligible to participate in a special Valentine's Day event being sponsored by Newport Dunes Resort. S/HE'S A MAN, BABY, AND S/HE DOESN'T TAKE ORDERSOrdor-free [sic] Cat Care: Inventor Rod Janousek of Winchester, California came up with the idea for the Kitty Kommode in 1982. SHe was tired of having the odors from the cat box. WORLD ENDS AGAINThe U.S., England, France and Russia have attempted to force peace in the world with the creation of the United Nations. Ultimately, the United Nations will be given the power to destroy anyone that opposes their effort toward world peace. It will become the 8th world power. There will also be an evil leader of the UN, the same leader who brought true communism back to Russia. This time he does away with all religion. With his iron teeth, or world wide authority, he will cause all those who give their allegiance to the UN, and the UN itself to be destroyed. Only 31⁄2 years will remain for this present evil world once the United Nations assumes it's [sic] world wide authority. . . . Keep this handout and watch the fulfillment of scriptures. The next fulfillment comes with an evil leader in Russia.

Bad news for elementary educators:
People can't count. (Hint: There are eight.)
HOPE FOR FATSOSThe question of how to woo women has haunted men since the dawn of time. But now the answer is clear, thanks to recent research. Do women want to be romanced by Prince Charming? Surprisingly, the answer is no. A recent nationwide survey of women conducted by International Communications Research offers new hop for the nation's legion of couch potatoes: 80 percent of women say they could be romanced by a man who is less than perfect.

CORPORATE BRAIN FREEZEWith a distribution network that allows the company to roll out new products to thousands of stores almost overnight, 7-Eleven is in a strategic position to answer teens' quickly changing tastes. Generation after generation, teens have been uninterested in maintaining the status quo and serve as agents of change, the trendsetters. . . . Test stores showed immediate sales spikes, with the hottest-selling items being novelty key chains, body jewelry, temporary tattoos and bracelets. SOUNDS REMARKABLY LIKE WORKIf a hard-to-buy-for family member or friend is on your holiday shopping list, the search for a perfect present is now over. With SeaWorld's new Trainer for a Dayprogram, guests can shadow a killer whale and dolphin trainer, working side-by-side for an entire shift. . . . Not only will they get the exclusive opportunity of participating in training sessions and making a cameo appearance during a SeaWorld show, but they also will perform several non-glamorous behind-the-scenes activities like carrying fish buckets, preparing hundreds of pounds of animal food and stuffing ice-cold fish with vitamins. AND YOU STILL WON'T BE ABLE TO CHANGE YOUR OILIn this intensive workshop you will learn how to pull, change and replace programs on a genetic level. You will learn to work in Theta on all levels to assist others in creating their true selves. [The cost of this three-day workshop? $395.]

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