The Leftovers [Savage Love]

Nancy, the tech-savvy at-risk youth, two gimps, Christ on the cross, the Easter Bunny, two weeping women, and the Easter Bunny’s smoking-hot leather master took to the stage at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon, for a live taping of the Savage Lovecast on Easter weekend. Audience members submitted their questions on cards (I take my questions like some of you take your men: anonymously)—but with Rachel Lark and the Damaged Goods and comedian Nariko Ott on the program as well, we didn’t get to many questions. So I’m going to answer as many of Portland’s questions as I can in this week’s column.

We’ve been sleeping with another couple for three months (first time my BF and I opened our relationship). How do I suggest full penetration with the opposite partner? At this point, we just do oral and that’s the “groove” we’re in.

Only-oral-with-others may be this couple’s preferred groove and the lane they want to stay in. If they’re only up for the “soft swap,” as it’s known in swinging circles, penetration isn’t gonna happen. But you should feel free to ask for what you want—at the very least, you’ll get some long-overdue clarity about their boundaries.

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Is squirting pee? We know that chemically it’s similar, but is it REALLY?

I’m tired of this debate, so consider this my final answer: So what if it is pee?

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My girlfriend asked me to make out with another guy. Her fantasy. We met a really pretty gay boy at a house party, and I made out with him. I got hard, and my girlfriend made a huge scene. She says it was supposed to be for her pleasure, not for mine, and she’s still angry six months later and constantly questions whether I’m really straight. (I am!) What do I tell her?

Goodbye.

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When do you know if it’s okay to insert your finger in your boyfriend’s butthole? Without fear of freaking him out?

After you’ve applied lube to your finger and his butthole—which you’re allowed to do only after you’ve asked him if you can insert your finger in his butthole and after he’s consented to having your finger in his butthole.

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I want to try anal, but I am scared of getting poop on my partner. Is an enema enough?

Properly administered, an enema should be more than enough. But with anal as with liberal democracy—a good outcome is not guaranteed. Sometimes you do your homework and your prep, and everything still comes to shit.

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I love my man, but we’re both tops. What should we do?

Spit-roast very special guest stars if you’re in an open relationship, take turns/one for the team if you’re in a monogamous relationship, explore and enjoy your non-butt-penetrative options.

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How do we play around with opening up our relationship as parents of a 1-year-old? We barely have enough time or enough sleep to keep our own relationship juicy.

Play around in theory for now—lots of dirty talk—and put theory into practice after your kid is a toddler and you’ve landed a reliable babysitter.

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Will you plug stoptrumpswall.org?

Why not?

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My girlfriend and I are pretty grossly in love and very affectionate, especially after we’ve just had sex. Should we make an effort to tone it down a bit around a third we’ve just fucked around with? Or should we just be ourselves, and if they don’t like it, oh, well?

Be yourselves—but make an effort to include your third in those oxytocin-infused displays of postcoital affection. Unless your third was inconsiderate or creepy during the sex, or your third is anxious to go immediately after the sex (a sign you may have been inconsiderate or creepy), your third helped get you to that blissed-out state and deserves to bask a bit in the afterglow, too.

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Does the toe make a good substitute for the penis?

No.

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I have large breasts. My partners are either like, “YAY, BOOOOBS!” or they ignore my breasts entirely. What is it with that? How do I get people to interact with my breasts as if they’re another nice body part and not a bizarre thing?

By using your words. If there was a way you didn’t like to be kissed, presumably you would speak up rather than endure lousy kisses. Same applies here: “I have big boobs, and they’re great, and I love them—but ‘YAY, BOOOOBS!’ makes me feel as if I’m only my tits, which isn’t a nice feeling. That said, I don’t want my boobs ignored, either. The sweet spot really isn’t that hard to hit—enjoy my boobs as you would any other nice body part.” That said, some people really, really like big boobs, and it’s going to be hard for them to contain their excitement. “YAY, BOOOOBS” could be an understandable and forgivable first reaction on their part and an opening that allows you to have a conversation about bodies, consideration and consent.

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My girlfriend wants to try fisting, but my hands are really large. Any ideas for how to get around that?

A hired hand.

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Tell my boyfriend to go down on me!

If your boyfriend won’t go down on you unless some fag advice columnist tells him to—if his girlfriend asking isn’t good enough—then it’s you I want to order around (break up with him!), not your boyfriend.

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My boyfriend is 10 years older than me. Also, he’s the first boyfriend I’ve had in 10 years. I’m used to being single—and while he is great (sexy, amazing, smart), I feel like I’m losing parts of myself. I’m not doing the stuff my prior loneliness made it easy for me to do, creative stuff such as open-mic nights. Do we break up?

You’re no longer lonely—you’ve got a boyfriend now—but you still need time alone. Even if you live together, you don’t have to spend every waking/non-work hour with your boyfriend—it’s not healthy to spend every waking/non-work hour with your significant other. But instead of heading to open-mic night because you’re lonely and bored and have nothing else to do, now you’re going to go to that open-mic night (and go alone) because you enjoy it, you need the creative outlet and it’s healthy for a couple to have time apart.

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Thank you, Dan. Five years ago, I was miserable in a sexless marriage. Tonight, I’m here with my fabulous boyfriend and my hot sub. Thanks to your advice!

You’re welcome!

On the Lovecast (savagelovecast.com), special guest Rachel Bloom from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Contact Dan via email at ma**@sa********.net, follow him on Twitter (@fakedansavage), and visit ITMFA.org.