Clockwork Coker is back! The Mexican is about to get deported. So buy me a pinche driver's license, for chrissakes!:
GA*******@OC******.COM
Posted Monday, August 22, 10ish
ORANGE COUNTY BUREAUCRATS TO VILLA PARK: DIE
A couple of weeks back, we were driving through east Orange on the way to a party hosted by hot Orange County Register reporters. One wrong turn later, and we were lost. No stop lights. No stores. No signs of life. Yep, we were in Villa Park. Now word comes via Pasco that a county agency thinks Villa Park should be disappeared. Specifically, some local area formation commission wants to designate this richest little city with a “zero sphere of influence” label, which is the civic equivalent of a castration. The Villa Park mayor will address the issue at tomorrow's city council meeting and is plenty angry about it. We take no stand on the issue, but wholeheartedly support anything that proves Villa Park isn't where the incredibly mixed-up zombies are biding their time.
ORANGE COUNTY INMATES NOT SO DEATH-PRONE AFTER ALL
Finally some good news for the beleaguered Orange County Sheriff's Department…out of Boston. The Boston Globe reported yesterday that Suffolk County's jails has the lowest mortality rate amongst big cities in the country, ranking just below nosotros. Say what you will about the Carona gang—call them bad parents, call them corrupt, call them abusive, call them duffers, call them jerks, but at least they're no Corcorans.
CLOCKWORK COKER IS BACK!
Just saw him walk into the office mumbling about goddamn Paul Byrd. Meanwhile, the Oakland A's keep losing. Good job, Matt! He posts again at two.
Posted at 10:30 in the morning, just after Schou slammed me in tennis by a final score of 6-2, 6-1
GIVE US LIBERTY OR GIVE US KROM
We're all for progressives in Orange County, and we dig the idea of a Patrick Henry Democrat Club existing in SanTana and talking blue. But the group named after my former elementary school risks tarnishing their lefty credentials if they allow Irvine Mayor Beth Krom to speak this Tuesday at their monthly meeting. Krom continues to antagonize lovers of freedom countywide with her shrill support of her Dark Lord, Irvine councilmember and Great Park chairman Larry Agran, our former favorite politician who unfortunately went Huey Long on everyone by alledgedly trying to steer lucrative contracts to such friends as political consultant Ed “The Knife” Dornan and uber-PR firm, Forde and Mullrich. We once heard Krom speak and thus offer this advice to the Patrick Henry folks: earplugs. And an apple to muffle the laughs.
MOST RIDICULOUS CLAIM OF ETERNITY
“With the PHDC so active, it won't be long before Orange County goes completely blue.”
—In regards to the Patrick Henry Democrat Club. Look, we wish the PHDC the best, along with the rest of Orange County that has a soul. But the day Orange County becomes a Democratic stronghold is the day we repeal the 14th Amendment.
ORANGE COUNTY TANGENTIALLY MENTIONED IN SPORTS STORIES!
1. In a harrowing, great Los Angeles Times Magazine piece this morning, it's revealed that former Los Angeles Sparks power forward Latasha Byears had to work at a Buena Park JC Penny for a week because no WNBA team wants her anymore after fighting off an allegation of sexual assault. Byears' case is contrasted with that of Newport Coast resident/bukkake lover Kobe Bryant, but we get back to JC Penney job: “I just couldn't take it. Playing basketball is what I've been doing since high school, and it's all I really know how to do.” We like to think she couldn't take it because it was in Buena Park.
2. In an excerpt from her coming book on the Billie Jean King/Bobby Riggs match, New York Times writer Selena Roberts reveals the fabulously chauvinistic Riggs prepped in Newport Beach for his match against Australian champion Margaret Court. And not just at any Newport Beach tennis court, either, says Roberts:
“Bobby's base of operation was the Park Newport condo complex, where he was the tennis director of a swinging singles California enclave for the Geritol set.”
Imagine the fun Riggs would've had at the Balboa Bay Club men's steam room.
2. Not so much of a tangent, but not really a sports story, so bear with us: six girls from Buena Park High entered the Guinness Book of World Records yesterday for non-stop reading out loud to the tune of 100 hours at Libreria Martinez. We congratulate the girls and commend the scholars for their choices of The Pearl, The House of Mango Street and Don Quixote…but Tuesdays with Morrie?! Especially after author Mitch Albom made up a column? and offered an apology as lame as that of Rafael Palmeiro?
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ORANGE COUNTY COMES THROUGH AGAIN FOR THE FUNDIES!
The New York Times devotes beaucoup pages to the money behind the “intelligent design movement, and it turns out the seed money came from Orange County fundamentalist philanthropist Howard Ahmanson. Ahmanson, the multi-billionaire heir to the Home Savings and Loan banking empire swallowed up long ago by Washington Mutual, was named by Time earlier this year as one of the country's 25 most influential evangelicals for his funding of various Christian Right causes. No joke here: the man keeps scary causes—but we love the historic murals that still adorn many of his old banks!
Posted 12:08 Sat., Aug. 20
MARIJUANA: THE RAID
There are some sad potheads in Orange County this morning after the sheriff's department finds about 2,000 marijuana plants near the 261 Tollroad. Sheriff's spokesman Jon “Flash Report” Fleischman says it's one of the largest busts in years but doesn't think the Carona gang will ever catch the growers. ” “We've found these before and those investigations have led us to migrant workers with no information,” Fleischman told KNBC-TV Channel 4, a very curious quote begging to be Ask a Mexican!-ed
THIS IS WHY YOU WHISTLEBLOW
A Los Angeles County jury awards Aliso Viejo resident Michael Gnesda $21 million in a wrongful termination suit he filed against UPS. Gnesda alleges he was fired after uncovering massive, massive consumer fraud in the company; UPS officials say it was because he doctored a worker's time sheet by taking off one minute from his shift. Bosses: this is why you should let minor things like stealing pens and stapler wars slide: if you get an employee on that, they'll make up any fanciful story to sue you. Either that, or hide your corruption better.
PR FLACK QUOTE OF THE MONTH
“The marijuana will eventually be burned, he said, but not in a pipe.
—Jon Fleischman, to KNCB-TV Channel 4 news regarding the pot bust mentioned above. Fleischman sometimes doesn't return our calls and is too chummy with District Attorney spokesperson Lucifer Kang Schroeder, but we acknowledge his humor. Just don't plant that devil's flower inside our spare tire, Jon!
WELCOME TO THE OC, RIVERSIDE BITCHES!
The life is just a bit better than Attica in the Inland Empire, so yesterday the Riverside Press-Enterprise tells readers about the wonders of visiting the ocean. Specifically, they highlight dog beach in Huntington Beach and the LBC, presumably because Riversiders are just above Canis familiaris on the evolution scale. As a follow-up, it's rumored, the P-E will tell readers about 10 great hydrants to visit this summer.
Posted 19-8-05, at 6:14 p.m.—need food hungry bad
MORE MORMON MAYHEM
We get a phone call from beautiful Weekly photographer Heather X telling us about the ruckus outside that Newport Beach Mormon temple half of this damn county seems to be visiting before it's shut off to the non-Mormon world forever. Seems there are a bunch of folks protesting with signs and T-shirts telling readers to visit JosephLied.com, the “Joseph” in question standing for Mormonism founder Joseph Smith. We visit the page, run by an ex-Mormon who says he will expose the supposed lies of modern-day Mormonism. We relish contrarian views on philosophies, religions and other belief systems, but nothing intelligent can possibly come out of a debate that begins like this:
“What would you say if I offered to sell you a slightly used 2003 Ford Expedition for only $5,000.00? If you were a normal person you would be a bit suspicious. But, after being assured that it really was only five grand and it only had 10,000 miles on the odometer you would naturally grab the deal before someone else beat you to it. Imagine you took your new vehicle home and after just a few days it broke down on you. You would probably call me and ask if there was anything I failed to mention to you about your new purchase.”
Summa Theologica JosephLied.com ain't. We don't have anything against Mormons–Steve Young was such an awesome quarterback!–but for an alternate take on the same matter, visit the Rotten.com Library's entry on Mormonism and click on all the links. You might ask: why with all the Rotten.com plugs? Quid pro quo, baby: when they link our stories off their sister site, Daily Rotten, we get retre-muchos web hits. Besides, they're bloody funny as the following post will show…
RELIGIOUS REJOINDER OF THE WEEK
Incidentally, good chunks of the Book of Mormon (purported to have been written circa 400 AD) were lifted from the King James translation of the Bible (completed in 1611). Included in these plagiarisms are the errors made by KJV's translators. Explanations of this time warp are curious and unsatisfying. Furthermore, whichever Supreme Being wrote the Book of Mormon's pseudo-KJV verses possessed an inadequate understanding of how to use Jacobean noun cases.
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—From the Rotten.com Library entry on Mormonism.
MISS BEST CHEST IN THE AL WEST
You know you're at the end of your baseball career when sportswriters are doing stories on your tattoos, and that's the spot where former Angels first baseman/current Seattle Mariners benchwarmer Scott Spiezio is. Spiezio—owner of a horrendous .064 batting average—is profiled today in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer for the full-bicep tattoo of his girlfriend, 27-year-old model Anaheim Jenn. “Stop roasting him and start toasting him for putting a tattoo of his girlfriend on his left bicep,” begs P-I guy Jim Moore. Poor Mariners—but for more Mariners woes: scroll, baby scroll! (sorry for this continuous admonition, but we're still in the process of figuring out permalinks here at Clockwork HQ. We're very neo-Ludditish here—hell, we don't even own a cell phone)
GOT A CALL FROM HERR SWAIM REGARDING MORMONS…
“Just passed the Mormon protest. About 10 people here. Hey, make sure to mention Laughing Jesus by Thomas Freke. It shows how almost all Middle Eastern religions…(garbled reception)…goddamn Frankie Rodriguez!
GET ARRESTED TONIGHT, NOT TOMORROW
Clockwork Naranja will only be updated once on Saturday and Sunday, noonish because we don't have blog access at home (again with the technical difficulties!). In the meanwhile, here is another Arrested Development quote to start off your weekend from the immortal Tobias Fnke:
Tobias: Well, yes, but I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so now I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
Michael: There are just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.
Posted on the nineteenth day of the eight month of 2005, 3ish. Sorry for the delay, but computer problems with the screaming and the yelling and the monkeys with the jagged teeth and stuff…
WIPE OUT THIS STORY, PLEASE!
The asinine battle between Huntington Beach and Santa Cruz over the nickname “Surf City” continues. State Sen. Joe Simitian (D-Palo Alto) wants to pass a resolution deeming Santa Cruz the official “Surf City,” nevermind that HB trademarked the name earlier this year. Democrats like Simitian and Tom Umberg give liberals a bad name thanks to their stupid resolutions, but no one is addressing the real issue here: the song that nickname references, “Surf City” by Jan and Dean, is shitty. Crappy falsettos, dumb lyrics and an immoral refrain (unless you're Mormon) makes the song the most undeservingly popular since “The Twist”. For some better (free!) surf songs, click on this link. And give more love to “Surfer Joe” by the Surfaris, the best song about Orange County no one knows about.
UNCLE WALT'S SWEATSHOP
The Gray Lady reports today via Reuters that some of the Chinese companies Disney hires to make its books might be sweatshops. Disney officials quickly promised an investigation, and labor-rights activists are pleased. But enough is enough: Disney must stop dealing with China, which has brought it nothing but bad luck. Its 2002 animated feature, Mulan, was mediocre, its about-to-open Hong Kong theme park had to scrape shark fin's soup off the prospective menu after conservationists complained and Chinese Disney officials rounded up 40 stray dogs and killed them.
FORTUNE FOR DISNEY PULLED FROM THE FORTUNE COOKIE STACK IN THE WEEKLY'S BREAK ROOM:
Now is a good time to try something new.
Also:
7, 48, 16, 32, 11
Posted August 19, Anno Domini MMV, X a.m.
AS SANTANA KIDS DIE, MAYOR PULIDO STAYS AWAY
Attended a town-hall meeting in SanTana last night organized by State Senator Joe Dunn regarding a possible cancer cluster of kiddies at Franklin Elementary. It's the third town hall meeting in as many months (click here for some great on-the-scene reporting from the second one), and Dunn did a good job of showing why he's our best elected Latino official by allowing grieving and concerned Latino parents to question officials from the county, Santa Ana Unified School District and the South Coast Air Quality Management District about whether there are too many pollutants near SanTana schools. Notably absent: SAUSD Superintendent Al Mijares and SanTana Mayor Miguel Pulido. Mijares sent apologies for his absence and a vow to attend the next town-hall meeting via an assistant SAUSD superintendent…but nothing from Pulido, who makes even less public appearances than Jack Chick. Words are beyond this Mexican to describe a Mexico City native who cares as much about the Latinos in his city as Barbara Coe.
MORE GABACHOS, LESS WHITE GUYS
Sent the following e-mail to Orange County Register columnist and sometimes lunch buddy Frank Mickadeit:
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Hey Frank,
Am e-mailing you from my personal account because I think your bosses have blocked all Weekly e-mails from e-mailing Register accounts. Anyway, writing in to complain about your gratuitous use of the term “white guy” in today's column. Don't you read Ask a Mexican!? Use “gabacho,” for crying out loud, or I'm going to get fired!!!
Frank's column today was also notable for revealing that State Senator John Campbell wouldn't mind a wall between the U.S.-Mexican border. As the son of a man who came to this country illegally via a Chevy trunk, sewer, desert hike, airplane ride and a good-ol'-fashioned run across the freeway, let me say a wall will not stem the tide of illegal immigrants into this country. Nor will putting the military on the border. Or sending billions in aid to Mexico. Only one thing can stop folks from coming into this country, and that's called socialism.
READERS WRITE IN PORQUE SON CHIDOS
“No, they moved out of that large building along side the block about three years ago to a new HQ in Costa Mesa—the three buildings just east of the Macaroni Grill on Anton Blvd. I did some consulting at Experian in 2000 and found them to be a great firm to work for—I suspect their more recent problems are due to the acqusitions they've made in the somewhat shadier area of consumer finance (recall they used to be TRW, a very straight arrow company).
Our friends at Ameriquest moved into the old Experian space. I worked for them once too, finding them to be focused only on the money—treated their people poorly, underpaid them and looked the other way when business ethics lost to questionable deals. I KNOW the guy I worked for was on the take from computer suppliers—he was rigging bids to give implementation business to his preferred vendors. Roland Arnall's just plain slimy and I'm not at all surprised he was able to buy an Ambassadorship. His brother Claude is no better—he runs Argent Mortgage, an Ameriquest subsidiary.”
—From one of the boys over at OC Blog, commenting on our below post regarding Experian and the Block.
GET ARRESTED TONIGHT
In a couple of weeks, the third season of Arrested Development will start, but you can catch two-hour marathons of the second season tonight and next Friday. Don't be like my idiot pals, who love the show but haven't seen an episode of the second season because they're waiting for the DVDs come October: because of that stupid strategy, FOX nearly cancelled the show last fall. For those of you with lives, Arrested Development follows the travails of the Newport Beach-based Bluths, whose patriarch is in prison for massive, massive fraud (and a bit of Saddam Hussein business deals thrown in) and whose youngest son thinks SanTana is actually Mexico (but really: which one of us hasn't made that mistake?). If for nothing else, see Arrested Development for the debut of Franklin the Puppet, the protagonist behind this immortal exchange between brothers Michael and G.O.B:
G.O.B.: Franklin said some things whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: G.O.B., weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
G.O.B.: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.
Posted Aug. Eighteenth, in the afternoon
CALLING ALL ANGELS
The Bay Area just won't leave Clockwork alone! (scroll, baby, scroll down for context) The San Francisco Weekly is urging all Bay Area residents to ditch the Giants and support the Oakland A's because of goddamn Frankie Rodriguez. Writer Garrett Kamps relishes in describing K-Rod's embarrassing error last week before basically proclaiming the American League West race over. Kamps must have had an early deadline, because as we post this, the Angels maintain a one-game lead over the suddenly sputtering A's. Then again, didja see the local nine have a bases-loaded situation with no outs, then get no runs in a 4-1 loss to the Toronto Blue Jays?
Gotta go cover some scandal or other. Be back tomorrow at 10 in the morn with more goodies. In the meanwhile, waste mucho time with the Rotten.com Library's entry on Unkie Walt Disney. And after that, read the rest of our website. And don't forget: scroll, baby, scroll!
Posted Aug. 18, just before I take a 2:15 lunch to Taco Adobe down the street
UC IRVINE—TOLERATES ANTI-SEMITES?
The Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles reports in this week's issue, mediation has broken down between UC Irvine and a Jewish group that accused the university of tolerating campus anti-Semitism.” The Zionist Organization of America, the Jewish Journal reports, has also filed a federal complaint against UC Irvine with the U.S. Department of Education's Office for Civil Rights for the university's alleged tolerance of anti-Semitic Muslim student groups and invited speakers. Relations between Jewish and Muslim Anteaters are starting to resemble those over in Gaza. Our advise to both sides: just share a plate of hummus, damnit, and concentrate on more-pressing issues—like the school's bizarre Wizard of Oz motif in its construction areas.
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PRESS RELEASE EXCERPT OF THE DAY
“I might have played Marcus Welby's grandson in 'Marcus Welby, M.D.' during the period when people bought homes to live in forever. But life has changed since the happy days when everyone”s mortgage was a 30-year fixed.”
—Gavin Fenske, president of Fullerton-based Great Financial Mortgage, in a press release touting his company An Internet Movie Database search doesn't turn up a Gavin Fenske but does find a Gavin Fink, a 13-year-old Newport Beach actor whose hobbies include, “skateboarding, going to the beach and swimming.”
Posted Aug. 18th, at–miracles of milagros–10 on the spot
WHO'S THE JEW HATER: SCHWARZENEGGER OR OC REGISTRAR OF VOTERS?
Did you ever see The Simpsons episode when Krusty the Klown finds out he was never bar mitzvahed and says, “All this time I thought I was a self-hating Jew, but now I know I'm just a good old fashioned anti-Semite,” and then Rainer Wolfcastle approaches Krusty and replies, “We have much to talk about”? It was a hilariously veiled reference to the supposed heeb-hating ways of California guv Arnold Schwarzenegger, but today, the Los Angeles Times reports it might be true. Writer Jean O. Pasco interviews O.C. Jewish leaders upset that Schwarzenegger scheduled the special primary election to replace former Newport Beach congressional representative Christopher Cox to fall on Oct. 4, the same day as the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashana. Schwarzenegger's office put the blame on Orange County Registrar of Voters Steve Rodermund, who tells Pasco, “If voters feel this creates a hardship, there are alternative forms of voting.” The Mexican isn't Jewish (although Arellano is a Sephardic surname), but imagine the furor Christians would raise if the government held an election on Christmas or Super Bowl Sunday. Of course you can't imagine it—because IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.
WE'RE EXPERIAN-CING PAIN
It's been a rough week for major Orange County corporations (scroll, baby, scroll down to read about the woes of Taco Bell and Ameriquest), and Forbes today goes after Costa Mesa-based Experian, one of the Big Three credit report companies. Seems Experian's British parent company wants to sell it for reasons Forbes can't fathom. But one of them might be because Experian is apparently crooked. On Tuesday, the Federal Trading Commission announced Experian would pay $950,000 in fines for misleading consumers into believing they'd get a free credit report but instead enrolled them without their consent into a credit-monitoring program. Two questions: will the folks who got screwed get a refund? (Yes). And does Experian still have that building next to The Block? (Dunno—when was the last time you visited where you noticed something other than the AMC 30 and skanky teens?)
READERS WRITE IN TO RIGHTFULLY MAKE US LOOK STUPID
“Check your Thomas Brothers carefully! Whittier Boulevard starts its journey westward just over the line in neighboring Brea (called Whittier Avenue, or Whittier Extension by locals). It's a street with leafy well-kept homes built in the late 1960s. Guadalahabra has a few more claims to fame—the WORLD FAMOUS Broasted Chicken at the Chicken Box, a monument to Richard Nixon's first law office (building demolished in the 80s for a Community Center parking lot), and two of the last remaining barrios in Orange County, the Campo Colorado and Alta Vista.”
—A “lifelong La Habran,” writing in response to our post below trashing the Hemet of Orange County. But he's right (and good job with the Guadalahabra reference!) about everything. Sorry for forgetting Chicken Box, Lifelong, but we're still hauntingGrandma's Chicken House in Cypress for our broasted chicken needs. Another great La Habra restaurant is Great Wall Mongolian BBQ, even if they say they belong to LA County.
ATTENTION ALL PERVS: A HOT ORANGE COUNTY LASS WANTS YOU
Go to FHM's website and vote for Newport Beach hottie Nicole Albright as part of the lad mag's Miss FHM contest. We can't post photos of Ms. Albright because we don't know too much HTML code, but to quote Krusty again, “Meanwhile, Krustophenia sits on the shelves!”
Posted August 17, 5ish—Angels are playing tonight, you know?
FINALLY, A REASON TO VISIT LA HABRA
Triple A reveals today that La Habra hosts the lowest average gas price per gallon in California. Finally, the city where Whittier Boulevard begins can boast about something other than corn festivals and strip club-hostile councilmembers. But you know we live in the End Times when a city in one of the wealthiest counties on Earth hosts the cheapest gas. Now, I was never much of an economics guy—all we remember from Mr. Wilson's high school class is TINSTAAFL—but wouldn't it make more sense for the cheapest gas to be in an impoverished town like, say, Eureka or El Centro? Or even SanTana? We don't dwell too much on this point, though: prices in La Habra are $2.65 a gallon, while our local gas station is $2.61—at least it better still be when we fill up tomorrow.
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FINALLY, A REASON TO PAY ATTENTION TO NATIVO LOPEZ AGAIN
Gabacho Orange County's favorite Chicano is set to make his protesting comeback tomorrow when the organization he heads, the Mexican American Political Association (MAPA) marches outside Ameriquest's Orange headquarters. “Ameriquest Mortgage Company is the largest subprime lender in the U.S., and the most voracious predatory lender to Latinos, African Americans, and other consumers,” reads a MAPA press release. Very true, as our Aug. 13post below (scroll, baby, scroll!) discloses. But then Lopez resorts to the wild conspiracies that befalls so many progressive activists: because Ameriquest donated cash to a Republican PAC, “Ameriquest's money has created the hateful anti- immigrant political climate that has given rise to the paramilitary MINUTEMEN movement along the U.S.- Mexico border.” Listen, Larry: we're as open-border as the next Mechista, but the Minuteman Project is as grass-roots as the Chicano movement—it just so happens that the Minutemen are against Mexico, not America. We're glad MAPA is protesting Ameriquest, but leave the conspiracies to La Voz de Pendejos, por favor.
Posted 8-17-05, como por las 2
MORE FAT CHICKS, PLEASE
In today's Life, Etc. section of the Orange County Register, reporter Katherine Nguyen (who we named along with her fellow female writers at the Reg as some of the sexiest people in Orange County) asks county residents America's most-pressing question: are those Dove chicks fat? Most of the regular Joes and Jills like the campaign, save for Ted Dreifuss of Rancho Santa Margarita, who guaranteed himself blue balls for life by telling Nguyen the ladies “are not a normal or healthy weight.” They are—and that's the problem with the Dove campaign. These chicks aren't even thick—they're actually kinda thin (and before you accuse the Mexican of loving Latin curves on the seoritas, let me say I like my women like all men do: smart). Where are the rolls and double chins? Nguyen's story is also notable in that it's the first time we recall the Reg printing the word boob. Next up: public schools.
CLOCKWORK READERS DO THE WORK FOR US…A BIT
1. “This Monday, as part of welcome-back week for faculty, we were treated to the divine presence of the LA Times editorial cartoonist Michael Ramirez and a slideshow (really a sleaze show) of his greatest hits, including, according to my reports, one of his more homophobic efforts, drawn at the height of the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' brouhaha. This was supposed to inspire us and the work we do.
—Faculty member who works at the South Orange Coast Community College District. Can't be the beginning of the school year without some madness happening at SOCCCD, the Florida of local boards. We can link up a bunch of stories we've written about the banana district, but first, a correction:
2. “I'm pretty sure it's Orange County, New York.”
—Our own Commie Girl, correcting this Camry driver about the Orange County that “Orange County Choppers” represents. In gratitude for sparing us further embarrassment, we ask all reader sto visit the Commie Girl Collective and check out an AP photographer's portrait of the madam. I see her every day, boyos.
3. “I clicked on the link about Bilson's comment that opened that page and then…like a porno site, I could not get out with the simple back button. Kept hitting back and the same page kept loading. Finally went to the GO window (at least on my Mac, don't know about wintel) to open your page again. Bizarre. That should teach me about visiting gossip pages.”
—Reader complaining about the link below where The O.C. star Rachel Bilson trashes Tom/Katie Holmes/Cruise. We tried it on a Mac and PC—nothing. Clockwork cannot be held responsible for crappy web pages—only the facts, ma'am. And the “More Fat Chicks” stickers.
Posted the 17th of August, just as I got into work
THE LIES OF OUR TIMES
As a lifelong nerd who thinks a picture of Henry Kissinger picking his nose is the funniest thing in history, we laugh anytime we come across articles that claim nerds, geeks and their goofy ilk are sexy. Our sister paper tried this schtick years ago and we laughed then. See, a true geek—like OC Supe Chris Norby—is forever loathed and maligned but doesn't give a damn because he's oblivious to everything but eminent domain. They don't get movie deals, sexy photo shoots and definitely not The Girl. Take it from experience: the life of a nerd is one of quiet desperation. And nose bleeds.
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PRESS RELEASE OF THE DAY
Kim Jong Il Receives President of Washington Times Corporation
Pyongyang, August 16 (KCNA) — Leader Kim Jong Il Tuesday received Joo Dong Mun, president of the Washington Times Corporation, on a visit to Pyongyang. On the occasion the president offered his congratulations to Kim Jong Il on the 60th anniversary of Korea's liberation. Kim Jong Il welcomed the Pyongyang visit of the president, had a cordial talk with him and posed for a photograph with him.
—From a Korea News Service item announcing what it just said. Next time you read a story in the neo-conservative Moonie-owned Washington Times paper supporting the Iraq war, remember: one of their head honchos met with the Stalin of East Asia.
HOG HAZE
When it comes to bikes, we prefer Schwinns with the horn, bell and basket but can appreciate a loud, massive Harley. But how the hell did Orange County get associated with innovation in motorcycles? An item in Mustang Monthly drools over an Orange County Choppers hog. We're not gear heads—that's more of a Theo Douglas thing—but don't appreciate the false advertising. Orange County is not the home of Orange County Choppers, but we can understand why a show would want to attach itself to our glory—are you listening, Arte Moreno?
ETERNAL THANKS GOES TO…
The fine blog, LA Observed, for plugging Clockwork this morning. It's based in Los Angeles, but frequently links to us (and mucho love to you, too, OC Blog, for doing the same!)—not like another local blog that purport to cover Orange County and rhymes with Oh, S! Dreckwogs. Quid pro quo, nerds! Sic semper tyrranis! E Pluribus unum! Tantum ergo sacramentum! And so forth.
Posted August Sixteenth, just before seis
WELCOME TO CANCER COUNTY!
Recent gray skies notwithstanding, Orange County is the true Land of the Sun, so the the county tourism industry must be loving Reuters for setting stories about melanoma in Newport Beach. Yesterday, the news agency talked to resident Brandi Donaldson about the dangers of tanning. Donaldson, a 27-year-old melanoma survivor who now works as a counselor, tells Reuters how she would constantly lounge in our wonderful beaches until she found a malignant mole above her navel. A couple of skin scrapes later, Donaldson is cancer-free—and an anti-sun activist. “Tanning is not healthy,” she says. “Tanning is skin damage.” Ain't that the truth. As a light-skinned Mexican, we never got why gabachos want to make themselves darker. So many of our countrywomen want the opposite and thus dye their hair blond, and the Los Angeles Times devoted a Column One earlier this month to Asian women who swear by skin-lighteners. Sad but understandable: brown and black and yellow is beautiful, yes: but brown and black and yellow also begets constant discrimination.
WELCOME TO THE OC, SCIENTOLOGY BITCHES!
The Teen's Choice Awards is airing tonight on FOX, but the results are already in, and The O.C. walked away with five awards: Best TV Drama Actor (Adam Brody), Best TV Drama Actress (Rachel Bilson), Best Chemistry on TV (Brody and Bilson), Best TV Drama and Female Hottie (Brody…err, Bilson). We've never seen The O.C. save for the episode where the Weekly made a one-second cameo in one scene and warranted a one-sentence mention in another, so can't comment on the results. We do want to commend Bilson, though, for recently describing Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as fookin' embarrassing. Comparing her real-life romance with Brody with that of Cruise and Holmes, Bilson told the British online mag Monsters and Critics that “everyone wants” a paparazzi-free relationship “unless, of course, you're Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.” Or George and Judy Argyros.
Posted August 16 in the Year of our Lord, 2005—let's say, 2:41
THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE
While Cindy Sheehan continues to infuriate conservatives nationwide, another grieving parent of an Iraq War veteran will visit Orange County this month. Fernando Suarez del Solar will speak at SanTana's Therapeutic Arts Center on August 27 and talk about military recruitment in heavily-minority cities. He visits at the invite of OC Mujeres en Accion, a recently formed women's group monitoring recruitment practices at local high schools. For more info, call the Arts Center at (714) 547-5468. And for those who can't wait that long: a rally in support of Sheehan happens tomorrow at 7:30 p.m. at the Orange Circle. Love your country's freedom: go.
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THIS SPORTING LIFE
1. It's official your Los Anaheim Angels' owner Arte Moreno is our brown-skinned God. Time just named him one of the 25 most influential Latinos in los Estados Unidos beating out such Orange County candidates as Lupe from Arrested Development and George Jaramillo. Time writer Sean Gregory describes Moreno as a seor who's, “not only is the first Latino team owner in major U.S. sports but also is changing the rules of the game.” While we're proud of Moreno, we're getting tired of the yearly obsession with Moreno's ethnicity. It was funny enough when Moreno wore a sombrero at the 2003 press conference announcing his purchase of the Angels from Disney, but he quickly tossed the stupid hat and started building a winner. He could have all the influence of a Hapsburg, but no one will give a mierda unless the Angels win—and they did last night (way to go, Erstad!)
2. Not winning is the football squad of my alma mater, Anaheim High School. Register columnist Marcia Smith drops by the school where I barely passed senior year to report my Colonists are decade-long losers. She gets to the heart of the decline of this “once-great program”—too many Mexican kids. Oh, Smith doesn't come out and say it, but when have you read an article on such other lackluster local prep football programs as Bolsa Grande or University explain their ineptitude on financial hardship, small size, family commitments and keeping a 2.0 GPA?
3. Yorba Linda can now claim another famous native son besides The Dick: Rip “The Ripper” Williams a champion racer of some car stock or other who's going for his 100th career victory this Saturday at the Perris Auto Speedway. My apologies, NASCAR nation, but what exactly is a “sprint car”? The long ones with parachutes at the end? The kind that take over Long Beach every summer? Or the tiny thing that cut me off near the 55/5 interchange just after lunch? Or was that a Geo?
Posted Agosto el 16, 10ish
REVENGE OF THE REG
We're coming up on our 10-year anniversary here at Weekly world headquarters and at each step, the Orange County Register has treated us like that lesion on your foot that just won't go away and so you ignore it in the hope that it will. There's an official policy at the Reg to not print the Weekly's name no matter the circumnstances and even if it means resorting to embarrassing allusions. And so, the shunning continues: yesterday, the Orange County Business Journal allocates editorial space so that the Reg can trump its “weekly magazine for savvy youth,” as BizJo writer Jennifer Bellantonio puts it. “The goal,” she writes, “give readers ideas about what to do around Orange County, including dining, art shows, cool hiking trails and live music events.” In other words, what WE'VE BEEN DOING FOR A BLOODY DECADE. We're not going to give you the name of the glossy fishwrap, not because we're petty (which we are) but because Clockwork Coker mentioned it last week—so scroll down, click on last week's Clockwork entry, scroll down again and read it…did you read it? How cute, huh? SqueezeOC. And there's a
great ass there—you know, to squeeze? And an orange—to squeeze, get it? Yeah, that joke will get as tired as Steve Finley.
WE FINALLY SIDE WITH HOMOPHOBES
Yesterday, Orange County Superior Court Judge David Velasquez ruled the gay-hating St. James Church in Newport Beach can keep its property despite breaking off from the Episcopal Church. St. Jamers are angry that an Episcopal Church in New Hampshire ordained a gay man as bishop and argued their parish belonged to the congregation and not the Episcopal Diocese of Los Angeles, part of the worldwide Angilican Communion. We hope and pray Jesus will pay the St. James congregation in the afterlife for their intolerance but support Velasquez's ruling. See, the Catholic Diocese of Orange is preparing to close down parochial schools in poor neighborhoods so they can begin paying off the $100 million settlement they promised to sex-abuse victims of Catholic Church employees in January. If local Catholics are smart, they'll sue to keep the schools open. Then again, their sheep-like silence during this sex-abuse scandal doesn't inspire much confidence in this devotee of St. Jude Thaddeus.
HEADLINE OF THE MORNING
“SQUEEZE” The Most out of a Career in Advertising SALES”
–Job listing on Career Builder for the Reg's faux weekly. Warning to applicants who think they'll work in a “high-energy, fast-paced, start-up environment” “for this incredible new magazine”: the Reg is also known to SQUEEZE pennies, SQUEEZE unions, and SQUEEZE your soul.
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Posted August 15—in the blue of evening…
THE PURPOSE-DRIVEN CONDOM
In the Baptist Press today, Pastor Rick “Purpose-Driven Life” Warren of Saddleback Church urges Christians (that doesn't include you and me, Catholics) to take up the cause of “the greatest health crisis in history—the worldwide HIV/AIDS pandemic.” Of course, Warren being Warren—a shrewd man who masks his church's ultra-conservative dogma with fast-selling pop journals and Andy Griffith Show clips during sermons—his essay quickly becomes an anti-government, anti-non-profit missive. “I believe the local church is the only organization that can eradicate this disease,” Warren writes, adding, “The only way for treatment to become universal is to develop a church-based treatment model.” Which means abstinence, belief in Jesus and no condom distribution, apparently. Warren might sincerely care for AIDS victims, but what matters more to him: the bodies of the afflicted or their non-saved souls?
MORE FROM WHAT'S NOW OUR FAVORITE NON-WEEKLY WORLD NEWS PAPER: STARBUCKS IS GAY!
According to another Baptist Press item, Starbucks “promotes [the] homosexual agenda” because of its coffee cups. The offending lattes are those featuring a quote by author Armistead Maupin in which he regrets suppressing his sexual orientation for so long because “I surrendered my youth to the people I feared when I could have been out there loving someone.” The Press reports the Christian right is mulling a boycott of the Seattle-based company and urges good Christian families families to let “Starbucks know they are not happy with the company's promotion of the homosexual agenda.” You gotta hand it to the Dobsons, Dornans and Sheldons of the world: they find gayness in everything save their own kind.
Posted 8/15/05, past noon
MIDGET MADNESS
We never got the cult of David Eckstein, the much-beloved midget shortstop whom your Serafines let go to the St. Louis Cardinals last winter so they could sign the good-field (except at clutch time), never-hits Orlando Cabrera (Quick aside to Davey: dunno if this website is yours, but you should tell the administrator to update the damn uniform). But Ecks was unfailingly polite and one of the most kid-friendly Angels, so we respect him for that in this age of cameraman-pushing pendejos and 'roid-ripping liars. Anyway, Eckstein got as angry as we've ever read him yesterday in a New York Times baseball column, telling writer Murray Chase he “was a little disappointed” with the Angels for letting him go. “It definitely hurts a little bit,” Eckstein said. “You give an organization everything you have for the four years I was there, and to have it end the way it ended was a little disappointing.” Talk about class: Eckstein could've ripped into Angels GM Bill Stoneman—whose 2004 off-season player dealings are approaching a DePodesta-esque level of ineptitude—with some choice expletives but instead expressed disappointment twice in two paragraphs. Could this man be any nicer? Come back, Ecks—your radio spot with Dan the Del Taco Nerd is forgiven.
LAGUNA BEACH: THE REAL CARIBBEAN CUISINE
Don't watch Laguna Beach, the Real O.C.–my television shows are The Simpsons and Arrested Development. But Weekly photo editor T-Bird Hills lets us know that the county's best Caribbean restaurant, Eva's Caribbean Kitchen made a recent appearance on the show. Apparently, two of the cast members—was it the sullen Talan and Sandra Dee-y Christina?–dined at the wonderful spot and flirted mucho. We reviewed Eva's last year and hope the vacuous ninnies who swear by this show and its campier cousin, The O.C., stay away from one of Orange County's more-charming restaurants. As for you, Hole-in-the-Wall-Life acolytes, get the conch fritters!
Posted el 15 de Agosto, morning
YO QUIERO WHEELCHAIR ACCESS
Just as we were about to chomp into some cheddar-ground meat love at Taco Bell, the Los Angeles Times reports today that the Irvine-based company faces a class-action lawsuit alleging all 220 of its California restaurants violate the federal Americans With Disabilities Act and state disability access codes. The main problem seems to stem from metal line dividers through which wheelchair-bound patrons say are too difficult to maneuver. Far from us to feel sympathy for a billion-dollar taco empire, but Taco Bell just can't seem to win anymore. It spent the last couple of years fending off human-rights activists who said Taco Bell's tomato pickers were virtual slaves and settled a similar Colorado disability suit in 2000. And now this. Must make Taco Bell execs wax nostalgic for the days all they had to worry about was P.C. Chicanos whine about a stupid Chihuahua mascot.
DIDN'T WE READ THIS BEFORE?
1. On Sunday, Times SanTana reporter Jennifer Delson profiled Lupe Moreno, a lifelong SanTanan whom anti-immigrant activists love because she's brown. The story is a retelling of what Orange County Register SanTana beat writer Courtney Perkes typed last year, itself a retread of what this charming Mexican hacked out two years ago. Most of la naranja's Latino activist community despise Moreno, but not us. She's actually quite a nice lady—that is, when she's not ranting about dirty Mexicans and the mattresses they leave on street corners.
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2. Today, Times scribe Mai Tran devotes the paper's Monday “Orange Peeled” column to the rivalry between the county's two best Balboa Bar makers, Dad's Donuts and Sugar N Spice two doors down. It's a story so obvious, even the cub-biest of scribes can pump it out—which is why we wrote it last fall.
3. Is the Times' Orange County bureau so Tribune'd that it can't produce anything original about the county anymore? Today's Column One deals with electric cars and the drivers who are fighting Detroit to keep them. Good story—but Clockwork Coker did it better in 2003
4. We've been reading Orange County Register sports columnist Randy Youngman back when the Anaheim Bulletin was a daily and not something your car runs over continuously. Love the guy, but today he reveals his favorite Gene Mauch anecdote: the time the former Angels skipper told a reporter, “There are two things I don't care about. One is tits on a man, and the other is your (expletive) deadlines!” Does Youngman share a cubicle with Lowery? 'Cause that's what Mr. Diary tells readers this week, too.
QUOTE OF THE MORNING
“Pues, I'm hoping Lupe Morenos is a pinche bad dream and just a screwed up episode of Get Smart where Jaime dates a latina.”
–“Barrio Marlon Brando,” the blogista behind the hilarious new SanTana blog, (Recycled) Cholo Knows…, commenting on the Times/Register/Weekly's Moreno piece. Love those vintage Mexican posters, Cholo!
Posted Aug. 14
WHAT LIBERAL CITIES? (PART ONE)
Last San Francisco-related post, promise: the Bay Area Center for Voting Research announced on Aug. 11 the country's most-liberal and conservative cities. Survey says…
“A new nationwide study released today by the nonpartisan Bay Area Center for Voting Research (BACVR) ranks the political leanings of every American city and finds that Southern California is among the most conservative regions in America, while the Bay Area ranks as the most liberal.”
BACVR examined voting records in cities with populations over 100,000 to determine the rankings. The Bay Area, with Berkeley (#3), Oakland (#5) and San Francisco (nmero nueve), is the region with the most liberal cities in the top 25, while Orange County gets the wacko-conservative designation thanks to Orange (#10), Garden Grove (#17) and H.B. (#25). Fair enough. But then the BACVR press release tosses out this nugget:
With three cities in the top ten liberal list, no other region in America comes close to matching the Bay Area's progressive prowess.
See, this is why common folks hate think tanks and the Bay Area. Those NorCal nitwits might sneer at us naranjeros (get a Spanish dictionary for that one, gabachos, then spread the term far and wide), but what does progressive politics reward Sodom-by-the-Sea? Last time we visited, we saw a Berkeley dude whip out his wang and piss near the iconic Berkeley Bowl supermarket, talked with a 'Frisco lawyer who insisted Oakland Mayor Jerry Brown was a Republican and saw enough gentrification to make Corona del Mar look like a Hooverville. If the Bay Area is really “America's liberal mecca” like that BACVR study brags, then bury us here in Reagan country, gracias.
WHAT LIBERAL CITIES? (PARTE DOS)
According to the BACVR list, Orange County's three most liberal burbs are SanTana (#122), Irvine (#169) and Costa Mexico. Geez, did those Barry Bonds apologists do any research? Democrats might hold nearly every seat on SanTana's City Council, but this is the same council that pours millions into usually empty Artists Villages and approves 37-story buildings despite the protests of citizens, all the while ignoring the needs of the 75% of SanTana's population that make the city the country's youngest, most-Latino, most-Spanish speaking, most-crowded and toughest to live in. Irvine's council is also Democrat-dominated, but Mayor Beth Krom and Larry Agran are nowadays making the Macbeths look as benevolent as Abraham and Sarah. As for Costa Mesa, I played tennis at Estancia High School a couple months back with a Latino friend of mine when we noticed there was a swatsika graffitied on some netting. It was the first time I ever saw a swatsika in public. And let's not forget the H. Millards of this self-mottoed “City of the Arts” that want to close down the city's Day Laborer Center!
DAILY QUOTE
“These weren't even real cops; they were county deputies. They're the ones who serve restraining orders and small claims court summonses. Beating the crap out of a Vietnamese woman sure took guts. She was probably about five feet tall and 90 pounds; clearly a dangerous criminal. The sick self-impressed fucks would probably gas Jews if you put the right uniforms on them, if the Jews were first undressed, their heads shaved, and if they weren't too big and scary.”
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“piscivore,” posting on the Daily Rotten forums, reacting to Moxley's cover story this week on Orange County sheriff deputies going Abu Graib on county residents.
LOCAL LAUGHABLE COMMERCIALS
1. Yesterday, during the Halos' 9-1 decimation of the Argyros-free Mariners, saw Vladdy and New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez engage in a home-run derby for Pepsi. Funny—dug that Vladdy won by shattering the moon—but on the soundtrack was some flamenco guitar. Hey, Madison Avenue: the two are Dominicans, and those folks dance to the hyperkinetic merengue and mournful bachata beats. And don't accuse me of ethnic nit-picking, gabachos: how would you like it if Toby Keith appeared somewhere backed by Lil' Jon?
2. Was driving to the Crystal Cove Shake Shack this morning when we heard a commercial on classical music station KMZT-FM 105.1 for the mummies exhibit at the Bowers Museum. Had to laugh, though, when the announcer said the Bowers is located in “historic Santa Ana”. “Historic” for SanTana's overlords is what was constructed by gabachos and located north of 17th Street–definitely not the many SanTana barrios that have existed for almost a century.
3. Sipping on a date shake at the Crystal Cove Shake Shake , overlooking the Pacific Ocean from the most beautiful view in Southern California when a plane buzzes by with a massive banner screaming “NEW! CARNE ASADA STEAK TACO”. It's the latest advertising campaign for Lake Forest-based Del Taco, which is apparently tiring of its longtime spokesdweeb, Dan the Del Taco Guy. We used to like Del Taco, back when Taco Bell wouldn't pay Florida tomato pickers half-a-cent more per pound picked. But after the Bell went Cesar
