A Clockwork Orange

Courtesy of the U.S. House
of RepresentativesPAC money gladly accepted:

MC****@OC******.COM

Posted Oct. 5, 5:41 p.m.

DIRTY MONEY
Ever wonder how much of Tom DeLay's PAC money has made it to Orange County's congressional delegation? Or vice versa? According to the nonprofit campaign finance reform group Public Campaign Action Fund, which provides a state-by-state tracking of the embattled Texas congressman's campaign gifts given and received, OC's furious five GOP representatives received $20,660 from The Hammer's ARMPAC since 1993. A total of 226 Republican House members received $2,140,625 from ARMPAC.

“Everyone is grateful to Tom,” said Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-Huntington Beach) in regards to DeLay's help for his Republican colleagues' campaigns.

In fine you-scratch-my-back-I'll-lick-your-ass form, Rohrabacher, Gary Miller (R-Diamond Bar), Ken Calvert (R-Riverside) and Christopher Cox (R-Newport Beach) have given $5,000 apiece, $20,000 total, to DeLay's legal defense fund, as of May 28 of this year. Ed Royce (R-Fullerton), who along with Cox only received $20 from ARMPAC, gave nothing to DeLay's defense. Eighty House members contributed a total of $336,500 to the defense kitty.

An April 28, 2005, New York Times story reported that Rohrabacher was among a handful of GOP House members who received $5,000 from ARMPAC and within weeks turned around and gave $5,000 to DeLay's defense — raising the specter of money laundering.

ARMPAC stands for Americans for a Republican Majority, a national political action committee run by DeLay, who was the House Majority Leader until he had to step down to face two indictments handed down by a Texas grand jury in the past 10 days, first on conspiracy charges, then on money laundering charges. Those charges, filed in Texas, are related to the Austin-based Texans for a Republican Majority, another PAC that DeLay founded in 2001.

The biggest beneficiary of ARMPAC's gifts among the OC delegation was Miller, whose district includes Anaheim, Brea, La Habra, Mission Viejo, Placentia, Rancho Santa Margarita and Yorba Linda. He received $11,017 — the most DeLay's PAC gave to any California congressman. (Golden State GOP reps received a total of $69,333 from ARMPAC, but gave $93,000 to the DeLay defense fund.) Miller voted the same as DeLay 97.28 percent of the time on the Hill.

Rohrabacher was fourth on ARMPAC's California gift list, with $8,583. He voted the same as DeLay 90.95 percent of the time.

Calvert, whose district includes Coto De Caza, San Juan Capistrano and San Clemente, was third among OC congressmen with $1,020 from ARMPAC, and he and DeLay agreed on House votes 94.72 percent of the time.

Cox and Royce voted along DeLay lines 93.97 percent and 91.64 percent of the time, respectively.

In case you're wondering, for shits and giggles, OC's lone Democrat member of the House, Loretta Sanchez (D-Garden Grove), got nothing from ARMPAC, gave nothing to DeLay's defense and only voted with him 17 percent of the time.

But, all tolled, 182 House members voted with DeLay at least 90 percent of Hammer Time!

Three Republican members of Congress announced this week they will return campaign donations they received from ARMPAC.

None of them are members of the OC delegation.

The three returning ARMPAC contributions are Reps. Jeb Bradley (R-N.H.), Heather Wilson (R-N.M.) and Kenny Hulshof (R-Mo.).

Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Vista), whose district used to include parts of South County, until redistricting essentially have that real estate to Calvert, has been urged by a Democratic committee to return $2,500 his campaign received from DeLay's PAC. They are a bit more sensitive to this kind of shit in the San Diego area, where the City Council has withstood bruising corrupting charges that have brought down a Republican mayor and Democratic council members.

But Issa has essentially told his critics to pound sand: he's keeping the money.

So far.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The U.N. has $12 million that they have not spent on doing research on micro-herbicides, which have the potential of totally eliminating the opium crop without affecting other plants. Why is the State Department so hesitant to step forward on this?”
–Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-Huntington Beach), reacting to the losing war against opium production in Afghanistan, in that Moonie paper, The Washington Times.

Posted Oct. 4, 5:18 p.m.
Surprise, surprise!
'TARD OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE
Army Secretary Noel Harvey and General Richard Cody, the vice chief of staff, say that the Army is using looser Defense Department rules that permits it to sign up more high school dropouts and people who score lower on mental-qualification tests.

This DOES NOT mean the Army is lowering its standards, the brass alleged.

Sounds like they've already been letting in dummies.

DELAY TACTICS
The new charges against Congressman Tom Delay (R-Corruptionville) have become such a disaster — hell, prosecutors are even hauling in Lady Thatcher! — that President Dubnuts felt he'd better go down to Ground Zero and calm conservatives' fears (that would be the conservatives who have not already cut their losses with Delay and/or are benefitting from his legal woes). “Out of the rubbles of this debacle — he's lost his entire reputation — there's going to be a fantastic renaissance,” Bush told Delay supporters, a cadre that actually dwindled before his lying eyes, according to a transcript Clockwork just made up. “And I'm looking forward to sitting on Tom's porch — in 3 to 5 years, or sooner with good behavior.”

[

JUST WONDERING…
Is it at all possible that this supposed conservative hand-wringing over Bush's nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court — as evidenced here and here and even on Drudge, whose screaming headling over the site logo this morning was — HARRIET MIERS SUPPORTED FULL CIVIL RIGHTS FOR GAYS AND LESBIANS; BACKED AIDS EDUCATION PROGRAMS FOR CITY OF DALLAS — is it possible that this is all the greatest of tricks, that Democrats will support Miers (or, at least, not oppose her too fervently, which is about the same thing) because the right's hardliners supposedly don't, but in reality they really do — with Col. Mustard with a wrench in the Library!?

Meanwhile, here's a spirited conservative posting, titled “Don't Misunderestimate Miers,” arguing that she is indeed the perfect choice, that Bush picked her so he won't get Soutered like his Pa did. But our favorite nugget was Mick Jagger dedicating the song “Back of My Hand” to Miers during the Washington, D.C., Stones concert Monday night.

Wonder if Mick preceded that dedication with, “Here come the liver spots, bitch!”
Groomin'
WED ALERT!
Forty-four-year-old, Orange County investment banker Dean is divorced, financially secure, Protestant, does not smoke, drinks only socially, is 6' 1'' tall and enjoys golf and skiing.

And, according to this billboard, he's looking for a wife. (Wouldn't the Weekly's ripping personals work easier? We're just saying …)

Funny thing about Dean's billboard: it's erected in the predominantly gay area of West Hollywood. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

PLAY BALL
Speaking of West Hollywood gays, how very white of Anaheim Mayor Curt Pringle to suddenly end his boycott of Angels games — just in time for game 1 of the playoffs against the New York Yankees and the Big A. Reminds us of the time we ran away from home at age 9, then returning when we discovered ma had made strawberry shortcake.

Meanwhile, here are some random droolings about the series from Yankees fans:

A-Rod [Alex Rodriguez] hit like 3 homeruns in one game off [Bartolo] Colon, right? Does the rest of the season tend to show that he owns this guy? that could be a big difference in the game…

For what it's worth, the Yanks smushed Colon in the two times they faced him this year… 10 earned runs and 7 dingers in 11.2 innings…

Moose [starting pitcher Mike Mussina] pitched very well vs Angels after getting clubbed around in April.

I think Moose will come through. His lousy starts are rarely consecutive.

Looking at the LAA lineup, I wonder why Vlad [Guerrero] hasn't been getting the Bonds treatment. Why pitch to him? With Papi, you've got Manny, but no one like that with LAA.

The Yankees can, should, and hopefully will pitch around Vlad, PROVIDED that they can keep the hitters in front of him off base. I doubt Torre will walk runners into scoring position, esp. if they are Chone Figgins. On the other hand, Figgins is probably getting to second on a steal anyway…so yeah, walk Vlad.

Can anyone see the Yanks losing this series pretty quickly? For some inexplicable reason disregarding stats and matchups and the like, I can. Although almost everyone on ESPN picked the Angels to win.

The team has hit Colon hard a couple of times this year, specially A-Rod, so facing him twice in 5 games gives me the impression we are going to take at least one of those games, hopefully, the 1st one. Angels fans sure feal so unsecure about his starts as we do about Mussina. The RJ [Randy Johnson] start in the [Yankees] stadium is a win, so that gives us 2 games we can feel good about.

I agree with what you are saying, about the anaheim offense, but Garret Anderson turns from Gary Ward into Gary Sheffield at the sight of Yankee pitching. that guy KILLS us.

Our big cannons have excellent numbers off Colon and [John] Lackey. We'll take one game in Anaheim, and back for Unit in game 3.

[

Re: Looking at the LAA lineup, I wonder why Vlad hasn't been getting the Bonds treatment. Why pitch to him?: I can't speak for the rest of the American League, but I can assure you, That's exactly the approach that the Boston has used against him. And for the most part, it's worked beautifully. (I can only think of one time all season that a Vlad IBB came back to bite the Red Sox.) [Joe] Torre would be wise to use similar tactics.

From a New York Times article today (which mainly features a lot of trash talk from Angels players about how they are goint to beat up on the Yankees): “If you're not going to pitch to him, [Vladimir Guerrero] it's tough to do, because then you're playing into their hands where you're putting men on base, and you certainly don't want to do that,” Torre said. “Now, that being said, if the game is in the balance, yeah, you want someone else to beat you, there's no question. But to not pitch to him, I don't think we're going to do that.” – Joe Torre.

As far as the Angels. Bengie [Molina], Anderson and [Adam] Kennedy. These guys for some reason play lights out against us. I still would pitch around Vlad every opportunity. Can't Joe remember the two bombs he hit to beat us earlier this year, one a GS?

The Angels have no chance in this series.

Newsflash: the intentional walk is a bad play in almost every situation. They're better off pitching to Vlad.

Upon reflection, I think it's far more important to cut down on Chone Figgins (didn't he bat like 400+ against us in the reg. season this year) and other Angels who put up great numbers against us than worrying too much about Guerrero.

Yanks' road record April through June:
15-21
Yanks' road record July through October:
28-19
Relax.
-Mike C.

Mike, playing the part of “the calmer” huh?
good. i think we all need it.
at least i know i do.

* * *

Yeah, whatever, Bronx Bombsicles. Didja all now that, according to ESPN's complete pundit-by-pundit projection matrix, 9 out of their 15 experts think the Angels will dispatch the Yanks and advance to the championship series, and 6 of them have the Halos winning it all.

Huh, didja know that, didja, didja?

(Uh, anyone have any supporting material to see if these “experts” ever get it right?)

Meanwhile, for something far more cutting, insightful and just plain hilarious, Clockwork suggests you check out webiquitous Matt Welch's Five Untrue Things You'll Learn About the Angels This Week.

Okay, to further entice, we'll give you the five things, but you've got to click above for Welch's supporting evidence.

1. Vladimir Guerrero swings at everything.
2. Bengie Molina is a great defensive catcher.
3. Darin Erstad is a good contact hitter.
4. Guerrero, or Anderson, or maybe Steve Finley, is a good outfielder.
5.The Angels are an anti-Moneyball team.
Oops!
PORN FREE
You're a Mormon looking for a cheap, albeit clean, thrill, so you stroll into your favorite Desert Book outlet €” in St. George or Riverdale, Utah €” and snag a DVD of the LDS film Sons of Provo. The PG-rated flick chronicles the life of an LDS boy band, Everclean, on its journey to relative stardom. The lyrics of the band's theme song preach of the wholesome image both the band and film try to maintain:
Everclean, cleaner than Listerine
Mellower than Dramamine
Not even close to obscene

Unfortunately, according to this Desert News story, two families who tried to do just that put the film in their DVD players and instead saw the opening of Adored: Diary of a Porn Star on their screens.

“Daddy, that microphone he's putting in his mouth looks funny!”

Actually, the indie Adored is unrated but NOT pornographic. Still, it does feature gay and lesbian characters and a story that's overtly gay, as opposed to Sons of Provo's simply gay-sounding plot. Turns out Adored and Sons hired the same Los Angeles company to make copies of their movies for mass DVD sales, and showhow, somewhere the movies got mixed in.

Clockwork imagines that somewhere, sometime, two gay guys separated by a giant tub of microwave popcorn are going to be fastforwarding through their mistaken Sons of Provo DVD, looking desperately for juicy male porn star images. Then again, an ALL-BOY band of clean-cut Mormons, frolicking in the unforgiving Utah sun? Grrrrrr! Put down that remote!

NORTHERN EXPOSURE
As a counterbalance to our snarky Minutemen coverage yesterday (scroll down to AND SPEAKING OF JIM GILCHRIST), in which we pulled out comments from two area men that seem to have a bug up their bloomers over Latino border crossers, Clockwork would like to point you to this piece about members of the Northwest chapter of the organization co-founded by Gilchrist that patrols the U.S.-Canadian border for illegals — although the members point out that the illegals that cross there are less likely to be people than drugs, guns and the exact same prescription medication sold in the U.S., only at far cheaper prices. (Okay, we made up that last one).

[

The story does offer this insight about the Washington state Minutemen's California counterparts. Tom Williams, a retired police psychologist who heads the Northwest operation, acknowledges that down here, some organizers called for people to show up at a Minutemen event armed with Mace and baseball bats. Those organizers were asked to leave the organization, Williams said. He said any volunteer who talks to or approaches a suspicious person would be thrown out of the organization. “That's all we are — it's just a neighborhood watch on the border.”

Meanwhile, as Gilchrist licks his wounds from today's congressional loss (PREDICTION!), his Minutemen have launched something called Operation Spotlight where the group will attempt to form a network of former and retired legal eagles to coerce . . . oops, we mean, convince cops and judges and DA's of deliberate violations of state or federal immigration, tax or employment laws.

Sounds innocent enough. Surely America's law enforcers could use an assist now and then. The site does get a bit Superman intro-ish, tho:

The tasks at hand are not for the meek, the weak, or the selfish opportunist. It will take patience, stoic determination, integrity, an undying spirit for truth and justice . . . and a firm belief that the cornerstone of this great nation, the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, is the lodestar to a positive and respectable resolution to the ills of a nation veering toward lawlessness, social mayhem, and a shrinking middle economic class.

Look, we're big fans of the First Amendment, too. You might even conclude we wouldn't be operating in OC without it. But “the lodestar to a positive and respectable resolution to the ills of a nation veering toward lawlessness, social mayhem, and a shrinking middle economic class.” Whoa, that's deep.

To the many retired judges, lawyers and private dicks who might wanna join Gilchrist is this endeavor are asked to email him here. They are especially seeking those with backgrounds in civil-rights law. And . . . oh, wait . . . here they go being all blubbery and all:

If those engaged in this criminal behavior are allowed to continue, then their hard-fisted madness will eventually include the censorship of radio and telvision talk show hosts, news reporters, and anyone else seeking to freely express ideas or opinions under the First Amendment. These Fascist atrocities are suggestive of a Saddam Hussein regime.

Yeah, the one Rummy helped Reagan put in power! Geez, maybe we should join these fine Minut . . . oh, look:

Inquiries from any law enforcement or media organization are welcomed.

Really? You want me, you really want me? Okay, Minutemen, you can count me . . . say, what's this?

While the Minuteman Project maintains a very pro-media policy, some information blackouts will apply due to the nature of this project.

Oh.

Never mind.
Hi-dee ho, neighbor!
D'OH
This sounds awfully suspect, but the Hollywood Reporter is, erm, reporting that one Ned Flanders is the new CEO of Freedom Communications, which slaps together the Orange County Register and squeezes out Squeeze OC.

Check that:
SCOTT Flanders.

HELP KELP
Reacting to Monday's LA Times story about the failure to restore kelp beds, Roger von Butow of the Laguna Beach-based Clean Water Now! Coalition believes not enough credit for the failure is being given to the hostile environment man has created for kelp:

Two culprits with their attendant chemicals might be the critical components undermining recent efforts to restore our kelp beds in Southern California. They are the “double whammy” of urban runoff and partially treated waste water, both being dumped into our watercourse and ocean the millions of gallons each day.

Covalent chlorine, introduced into our potable water supply as a pathogenic bacterial reducer and disinfectant, is highly unstable and readily reacts/bonds with other chemicals to form gases or compounds that negatively affect the reproductive life cycles of aquatic and riparian creatures. It also gets introduced into our waste/sewage systems via laundry and cleaning products. It's twin, ionic chlorine found in sea salt, is stable and occurs naturally in small amounts throughout our oceans.

Many sewage treatment plants take advantage of proximity to streambed drainage in case of overflows or spills. Then too the obnoxious odors they emit most residential neighborhoods would not care for, hence their proximity to remote natural wetlands that can smell funky due to normal ecological processes. They usually discharge their partially treated fluids at about 100 feet underwater within a mile or two of the near tidal zones from enormous outfall pipes off our coast. These discharges are abnormally warm as well.

[

The fact is that nascent kelp needs pure, clean seas, and temperatures below 56 degrees for at minimum of 90 days to get a good start in life. Considering the millions of gallons of heated covalent chlorine-laced freshwater from these facilities joining millions of gallons of toxic runoff, the areas adjacent to them have elevated temperatures and contaminated conditions hostile to all living forms. Marine ecosystems are the most complex and least understood, but no one disagrees regarding the adverse effects man-made chlorine produces.

What do the known casualties Santa Ana River, the Aliso and San Juan Creek mouths respectively have in common? All have these outfalls and spew urban runoff by the millions of gallons. They are basically uninhabitable dead zones with decimated populations. Planting or nurturing these kelp beds will not succeed unless we address how we treat our water as well as where and when we dump it into our aquatic and riparian ecosystems.

Posted Oct. 3, 3:44 p.m.

Do you know me?
NAME THAT RASTA!
This photo was sent to us from MB Fine Art, which we here at Orange County€™s parochial Weekly could give two shits about seeing as how it's located in West Hollywood and, thus, outta our coverage area. But at first glance we could not figure out whether the person depicted in this photo was:

a) Bob Marley
2) Zack de la Rocha
Thirdly) Crab Man from NBC's My Name is Earl

Answer at the bottom.

JO ELLEN'S WAR ON EDUCATION
We hope and pray every night that the at-times financially and academically beleaguered Orange County High School of the Arts will make it, really we do, and now just because we're nearly next office building over neighrbors. However, we do feel duty-bound to pass along this reader response to our recent exchange with the spokeswoman there over new board member/OC Republican Party apparatchick/central fraud figure Jo Ellen Allen:

Jo Ellen's on the board?! Well… I guess the Orange County High School of the Arts (my alma mater) can kiss my meager annual donation good-bye. For some reason, I feel like I'll make better use of it (1/2 an ounce of some primo weed, most likely) than she would. Thanks for posting the email dialog between you and Jeanette Harvey! Can't wait to see how it turns out.

So how does it turn out? Turns out it hasn't turned out: no word from Harvey since that last email.

But we did have another thought about OCHSA's acquisition of Ms. Allen, beyond all those links we posted about her disturbing role in her late husband Eddie Allen's scheme to rip off Republican retirees.

On paper, it probably sounded like a great idea for OCHSA to appoint Jo Ellen. She's entrenched with the county's power elite, she's on TV all the time and the “Dr.” in front of her name means she has some ideas about education. And her position with Southern California Edison makes her seemingly mainstream, although, truth be told, Edison has so much money to burn they can keep a stable of would-be Republican politicians on the dole as a sort of on-deck circle for various local offices, something the power company giant shares with AAA, the Auto Club.

But it's quite possible OCHSA doesn't know Jo Ellen, for it's her politics that should raise mascaraed eyebrows there. After all, OCHSA is all about the arts, and as everyone knows, the arts draw a whole bunch of creative types who . . . well . . . let's just put it politely and say many folks who fill in the “alternative lifestyle” box on census forms are deeply involved in the arts, even in stodgy ol' Orange County. This applies to both artists, and the people who teach them. So what are some students, supporters and employees at OCHSA to make of Jo Ellen being the California go-to person for spooky Phyllis Shafley€™s Stepfordesque Eagle Forum.

Schlafly, who is loved/loathed as “the mother of the women's conservative movement,” rose to prominence in the 1970s by clouding the Equal Rights Amendment battle, popularizing the misconception that if the ERA was passed, separate bathrooms for the sexes would be illegal. She's gone on to use Eagle Forum to blast sex education, reproductive rights, AIDS education, sexual harassment legislation, federal support for daycare and family leave, U.S. involvement with the United Nations, the international Chemical Weapons Treaty, affirmative action, bilingual education, multiculturalism and diversity education, teaching the theory of evolution in schools, environmental protection efforts, the dangers of pornography, immigration and, of course, gay and lesbian rights.

[

She has championed staying home to care for their children, organized against curricula and textbooks in public schools that violate her version of “Christian values” and has campaigned heavily against the National Education Association and the American Teacher's Federation.

Here's an oldie but goodie from the September 1995 The Phyllis Schlafly Report:

“Abolishing the Department of Education was one of Ronald Reagan's campaign promises when he ran for President in 1980. Fulfilling that promise is long overdue, and the time to do it is now…The goal [in public schools] is clearly to infuse (i.e., cause to penetrate) the gay/lesbian propaganda into every level of school: every grade K through 12, every academic subject, and every school and social activity.”

Just this past August, in an article for her kooks titled “How Public Schools Have Changed,” she accused the NEA, which was holding its annual convention in Los Angeles, “of displaying its usual favoritism toward the gays and the feminists, hostility to parents, and support of liberal causes.”

She claimed everything the NEA's conservative caucus proposed was “buried,” expect for one dealing with academic freedom, which the delegates voted to send back to committee without allowing any floor debate.

“The NEA convention handed a big victory to its large Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Caucus by easily passing its proposal calling on the NEA to 'develop a comprehensive strategy' to deal with the attacks on gay curricula, policies and practices by what the NEA calls 'extremist groups' (that's the NEA's term for parents). A delegate who asked for respect for ex-gays was loudly booed, while the delegates cheered the speaker who pronounced that there is no such person as an ex-gay.”

Schlafly bemoaned the fact that NEA resolutions endorsing “all feminist goals” were supported, including abortion, Comparable Worth, the Equal Rights Amendment, and taking over the baby-sitting of children 'from birth through age eight.'

“The gay lobby's influence extends even over these infants, whom the NEA wants to provide with 'diversity-based curricula' and 'bias-free screening devices,'” she warned.

If Jo Ellen's ties to fraud and Schlafly are not disturbing enough, go back in time to 1999, when Allen attended a California Republican “prayer breakfast” where:

-Gay marriage was equated with Nazi Germany (you know, those wacky guys in the smart black suits who EXTERMINATED gays);

-Then-state party chaplain Doc Burch said public school officials were taking teenagers into a “gay and lesbian and homosexual recruiting office” where they are asked, “Have you ever had a sexual feeling you didn't understand?”
€œI never had one I did understand,” Burch deadpanned. “Every hairy-legged boy I've ever known was hornier than a two-peckered goat, and you're asking him if he's ever had a sexual feeling he didn't understand? It's insanity, and that's what we€™ve done to our kids.”

-Jo Ellen read a passage from the Bible and then read a mock letter that made fun of the massacre at Columbine High School. “Dear God,” she read with fake earnestness, “why did you let the children die at Littleton? Signed, A Concerned Parent. And God wrote back: Dear parent, I'm not allowed in the public schools anymore. Signed, God.”

HARDY-HAR-HAR!!!

Jo Ellen's also a big player in getting creationism and history taught the pro-slave owners, Lynne Cheney way in public school textbooks. Which brings this up: OCHSA is a private school and can put any dang fool they want on their advisory boards they want to. Clockwork just feels they — and the people who attend, support and work at the school — should know full well who they are getting, especially before they whip out their checkbooks come annual gift-giving time.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
“There's no question they've alienated the city. But the risk of alienating the fans is relatively low, particularly in light of the level of success the team has enjoyed in the last few years. The upside potential is much greater than the downside potential.”
—Dean Bonham of the Bonham Group, a sports marketing firm based in Denver, on the effect of the Los Angeles Angles of Anaheim calling themselves the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, in USA Today.

HALO BULLETIN BOARD MATERIAL OF THE DAY
From New York's Newsday: The Yankees headed straight to Anaheim — or Los Angeles of Anaheim, or whatever it is they call it these days — no better than one of four American League playoff teams with a shot. [NY manager Joe] Torre likes to say the playoffs are a crapshoot, and it's never more true than now. There's no reason to tag the Yankees the favorites, beyond a $210-million payroll that's as much an ode to excessive spending as anything.

[

A crapshoot? Hmm … actually, there's nothing to guarantee the Yankees won't play like half that word when they get to Orange County, site of non-stop sunshine and past pinstripe misery, considering their just-completed 162-game roller-coaster ride. Yet Torre asserted, “If we play up to our capability, I feel pretty good about what we do.”

An AL scout who's been tracking the Angels says they're no better than “70 percent of their championship team” of 2002, the one that rode K-Rod and the Rally Monkey to their first title. But how about the Yankees? What percent of their championship teams are they? Is it even 70 percent?

Look, Big Apple Asswipes, go ahead and conjur whether your overpaid staff is 70 percent what it was when we kicked your ass last time, but don't go claiming our squad is that far from our glory team until it is guaranteed the trophy is not coming back to Anaheim or Los Angeles of Anaheim or wherever it is we play.

WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE HAD A PHONE!
But yep, it's true, longtime Weekly theater critic Joel Beers now has his own website. Joel announces this feat with the following fanfare:

This is the website devoted — and by devoted, I mean slavishly and abjectly — to the writings, musings, thoughts and brain hemorrhaging of Joel Beers, AKA Jo Boo! Journalist, playwright, man of mystery, kick-ass Thai boxer, gourmand and raconteur. It's drawn from my writings inOC Weekly and other journals of interest, as well as crazy shit i make up right on the spot. Read, disagree, dismiss, scoff, laugh, cry, whimper, shit. Whatever. It€™s all me, all the time. Bitches.

RANDOM THOUGHTS MOMENTS BEFORE WE GET A NEW CONGRESSMAN
And, yes, it will be a man. John Campbell, to be precise, who will be elected Tuesday to fill the Newport Beach-based seat vacated by Chris Cox. Clockwork has been meaning to write more about the race, but couldn't bring ourselves up to the challenge seeing as how this one was sewn up as soon as Dick Ackerman pussed out.

What's that? Marilyn Brewer? A lady Republican Orange County congressperson? Hah! That'll be the day. They throw the GOP chicks to the lions, if by lions you mean Loretta Sanchez's safe Democrat seat. Look at Jo Ellen: of all the offices in Orange County, the one she got the county GOP blessing for was the Santa Ana state Assembly seat that Democrat Tom Umberg seized easily, it being another safe Demo district and all. And Jo Ellen was the No. 2 in the county party at the time! There wasn't another, safer seat for her? Apparently not.

They even run Republican incumbent women out of their safe seats (see Doris Allen).

Oh, well: boys will be boys — OR ELSE!

So back to Congressman Campbell. Brewer sent Clockwork many a press release challenging our soon-to-be-freshman House man for ethics lapses, like day trading energy stocks at the time of the state's energy crisis. That prompted the OC GOP to come down hard — on Brewer! Not because her allegations lacked validity — at least, the party did not say they lacked validity — but because she dared criticize another Republican.

Meanwhile, it was apparently fair game to criticize Brewer for being a “moderate” (translation: Communist). Oh, and unlike Campbell, Cox, Rohrabacher, Carmony or either Schroeder, Brewer doesn't have a penis.

[A COCKWORK, ER, CLOCKWORK CLARIFICATION: the OC GOP slam against Brewer made no mention of penis, at least the version we saw, secondhand, in the local fish wraps. We're just sayin' . . .]

Brewer's own response to the Campbell's response — the one with the penis basically whined to the OC GOP that mean ol' Marilyn was picking on him, like he whined to the OC GOP about Republicans supporting independent, immigration reformer Jim Gilchist for the same Congress seat; and remember, this is the party of taking responsibility for one€™s own actions! — again, Brewer noted that Campbell has yet to deny the charge that he was day trading energy company stocks during the energy crisis.

“Our communications have been straight forward and clear. The Orange County Republican Party, having endorsed in the primary, loses any impartiality and credibility on issues like this or serving as the arbiter between candidates and this is a good example of why the party should not have endorsed. This group has done this before with Lynn Daucher and is merely an attempt to distract voters from the issues. The party has demeaned itself and tarnished its image with rank and file Orange County Republican voters. This is the act of a desperate candidate who knows he is on the wrong side of the issues with voters and is trying to distract voters with phony ethics complaints aided and abetted by people who are afraid I'm going to win.”

[

More things Brewer said voters should know about their new congressman (only, as this was written, she was apparently under the impression he was a candidate running for the same office as her, like she had a chance or something):

“John Campbell made a deal with the City of Anaheim that pays him 50 percent of the City's portion of their sales tax on every car he sells at his Anaheim Saturn dealership. To date, Campbell has received checks totaling $278679.31 from the City of Anaheim. If he continues to sell cars at his current rate, the City could wind up paying him another $528,138.69.”

Say, isn't Anaheim the city whose mayor is that former Campbell state house mate and beacon of ethical behavior, Curt Pringle? Sorry, continue, Ms. Brewer:

“The City has been paying Campbell since 2003 and will continue to pay him until 2007. These payments represent money that could have gone towards hiring more firemen or policemen. This kind of corporate welfare undermines the economies of local communities. It is a parasitic relationship. Cities need sales tax to balance their budgets. They want to attract businesses and are then forced to accept deals from 'entrepreneurs' like Campbell that border on extortion. John Campbell does not think twice about taking nearly a million dollars from Anaheim's coffers for his private business interests. His failure to recognize corporate welfare when he is experiencing it is shocking and unacceptable.

“I am calling upon John Campbell to explain how he sleeps at night while collecting money that should belong to Anaheim. Sales tax is the lifeblood of these cities. It provides the money to fund Fire and Police, and other emergency services. It is a discredit to the office he holds that Campbell continues to enforce this onerous contract, a contract that is a form of corporate welfare no matter how you look at it.”

Marilyn, I'm calling on your to explain if you're high? Not only are you knocking a fellow Republican, you're criticizing CORPORATE WELFARE!!! €” the mother's milk of today's smarmy modern neo-con. And this corporate welfare is gushing out of the teat of that largely ethnic pit known as Anaheim. Look it up: Newporters don't give a rat's ass about someone else paying more in taxes, so long as Newport's taxes remain low. It's like Newporters and the environment: They are all environmentalists €” except for any environment outside Newport city limits.

AND SPEAKING OF JIM GILCHRIST
An Associated Press story getting widely spread throughout the country had reporter Eliott Spigat getting caught up with members of the anti-immigrant group Jim Gilchrist co-founded, the Minutemen, here in California. Reading their own words, it seems two area Minutemen are not against all immigrants, just the Mexicans. See if that's how you interpret these passages:

Roy Wood, who battled two hours of rush-hour traffic to get here, has taught immigrants English for two years. Most of his students have been Asian.

Returning home to southern California in 2002 after spending 11 years teaching in Japan, he found his opposition to illegal immigration hardening. He concluded that Mexican immigrants have failed to assimilate in the United States, unlike the Vietnamese star students at his high school in Huntington Beach or the students he teaches English.

“Suddenly, they make American friends, they learn the language, they buy a car, they start to acclimatize themselves to the American way of life, just as I did in Japan,” he said.

Rogelio Cabrera said he felt harassed in a different way. A 30-year-old who loads port containers in Long Beach, he said illegal immigration began troubling him when day laborers began gathering outside a neighborhood Home Depot store.

“They see I'm Latino, coming out with bags of cement, and they huddle around me, saying, 'What can I do for you?'” said Cabrera, who joined the patrols despite the fears of his Mexican-born wife.

Asking a guy if he needs paid help? The monsters!

INSTA-CLOCKWORK REACTION TO LAST ITEM
The sad thing about all this Minuteman shit is how it detracts from the memory of the REAL Minutemen. No, not those ferries from the Revolution but the Minutemen of the late, great D. Boon fame, now captured in a new documentary.

NAME THAT RASTA ANSWER
a) Love that Bob!

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