Is Your Bed FDIC Insured?

JUNE 17. In the increasingly intangible world of electronic money, where fast-food payments can be transacted by a windshield transponder, the following story is almost refreshing. That is, of course, unless you're the poor sap who got ripped off. A Costa Mesa man called police to report that the money that had been hidden under his mattress was missing. Perhaps a militia member distrustful of banks, the fellow had squirreled away $1,300 in cash beneath the mattress in his bedroom. Unfortunately, when he peeked at his (slightly warm) nest egg, only $200 remained. The victim suspects a member of his own family stole the money. Police interrogated the victim's two roommates, both of whom denied the heist. Before departing the crime scene, an officer advised the victim to find a better place to store his money. As mattresses evidently make poor piggy banks, perhaps he should follow our own ironclad security technique and tuck a grand or two safely inside his sweat socks.

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK JUNE 17. A total of six Costa Mesa police units—one patrol, three “vehicular backups,” a canine unit and a police helicopter—came to the scene in response to a tripped burglar alarm in the 1600 block of Newport Blvd. The reason for the cavalcade of blue muscle? Someone tossed a rock through a store window and made off with an 18-pack of Bud.

MALE FLAPPER PINCHES GIGGLE-WATER JUNE 20. Orange County's relatively toothless temperance crusaders make it illegal to sell alcohol after 2 a.m. That doesn't stop all the late-night bootlegging, however. At 2:40 a.m. on a Tuesday, a thin white male described as “clean-cut” and wearing a blue T-shirt and khaki shorts rushed into the Circle K at 1654 Santa Ana Ave., Costa Mesa, and single-handedly repealed Prohibition. Heading straight for the off-limits beer fridge, he picked up an 18-pack of Tecate and lugged it to the front counter. Explaining, “I need beer, man!” the thirsty chap slapped money on the counter and ran from the store, never to be seen again. Although his lawless act failed to incite a larger revolution, the man did manage to imbibe at near-1920s prices—he left only a $10 bill for $11.25 worth of beer. Store management called John Law to report the $1.25 in lost sales as well as the unsanctioned consumption of predawn hooch.

YOU CAN ALWAYS DEPEND ON THE BLINDNESS OF STRANGERS JUNE 23. A Newport Beach woman traveling westward on 17th Street between Santa Ana Boulevard and Tustin Street in Costa Mesa heard something large cascade off the roof of her car. A glance in the rear-view showed her roof rack and surfboard lying in the middle of the street. She quickly turned into a Ralph's parking lot, stopped her car and walked back to retrieve the wayward gear. When traffic cleared, the woman discovered her roof rack still sprawled in the street—yet the surfboard was nowhere to be found. A canvass of the surrounding parking lot proved fruitless as well. After about 15 minutes of searching, a young woman approached the bewildered victim, explaining that she saw what happened to the missing surfboard. The witness was traveling behind the victim when the board and rack fell off the car. While the victim was pulling into the parking lot, the witness observed a man in a light blue van behind her stop, get out of his vehicle, pick up the surfboard and stuff it in his van. She tried to signal the board bandit, but he disregarded her and took off southbound on Santa Ana. She didn't see any license plate and could not provide a physical description of the thief. The case remains unsolved.

IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A…MAN JUNE 25 A construction worker living in Newport Beach contacted police to report a case of telephone harassment. A woman believed to be an employee of a phone-sex company repeatedly calls his home demanding money owed for services previously rendered. The victim told police he does not know the caller and has not received any type of carnal services—telephonically or otherwise—whatsoever. This, according to the caller, is precisely the man's problem: she recently left an answering-machine message advising the victim's wife to satisfy her husband's needs so that he doesn't have to call the company every day.

INSULT (LITTERALLY) ADDED TO INJURY JUNE 28. A 29-year-old Costa Mesa man parked his red Saturn SL2 in his carport stall at midnight and walked into his apartment for the evening. The next morning he hopped into the car at 7:45, ready for his usual commute to work. However, once inside the vehicle, he noticed his Internet-ready pager and cell phone missing from the front seat and his wallet removed from the center console. Apparently, someone had broken into the car overnight and made off with the items. The man assessed the damage and headed off to work. When the victim arrived at his office, several co-workers immediately confronted him about a curious e-mail message they had received. The message, sent to all employees and clearly originating from the victim's e-mail address, directed each recipient to “Suck a big dick.” The victim believes that since the message was sent at 4:49 a.m., it must've been sent by the thief who had stolen his pager during the night. We hope his boss understands.