Oceans Away

Illustration by Bob AulAdmit it: for a moment there, you were panicked when it appeared that a patch of undeveloped land might stand in the way of developers, toll-road operators and their assorted tub-thumpers in government—and that said land might stand in silent rebuke to our mandate to subdue the Earth and let the creatures on it fear our wrath. But on Aug. 8, we let every species—every bug, amphibian, fish, rodent and varmint—in the state know who's boss. On that day, state Senator Tom Hayden's (D-Los Angeles) bill that would have prevented the extension of the Foothill South toll road from being carved into San Onofre State Beach park died in the Assembly. If, as expected, that path is used, it will mark the first time that a private road has been laid over land bought, maintained and owned by state taxpayers. It could also pollute a rare trout stream. On Aug. 10, the Irvine Co.—after agreeing to concessions that will hopefully keep Crystal Cove waters pristine at least some months of the year—won state Coastal Commission approval to grade land and lay sewer lines for 600 homes overlooking the ocean between Newport and Laguna beaches. Runoff from those exclusive pads and 2,000 more in the same hills could wreak havoc on a sensitive ecosystem that includes one of the state's few birthing spots for dolphins. The Register noted the megadeveloper “still must win Orange County . . . approval for building permits” for the 600 homes, which is kind of like saying the sun still must win the rooster's approval to rise.

BEER NUTS According to a law that went into effect on Aug. 9, before you buy five or more kegs of beer in Ohio—and to tolerate living in Ohio, one surely must buy at least five—you'll have to fill out a Department of Public Safety form and then wait five days to get your brew. Here is Libertarian Party press secretary George Getz's take on the new law: “We don't want to Harp on this, but this is a Grolsch violation of individual liberty. You can bet your Bass that beer-lovers everywhere will be sadder, Budweiser, when they hear about this Hamm's-handed law. This kind of 'Nanny State' regulation just Foster's more disrespect for the law. Even the most Mooseheaded politician admits that this law will have little effect, since people can simply buy four kegs at a time at different locations or buy multiple cases of beer. It doesn't take a Pabst Blue Ribbon panel to figure that out. Patriots like Sam Adams would never have stood for such a law since it is a clear violation of the Constitution. You shouldn't be at law enforcement's Beck's and call just because you have kegs of beer at a party. This is a Busch-league law, and it needs to be repealed. This is a Molsen Golden opportunity for Ohio residents to stand up for Liberty Ale, and knock this law on its Heineken.” This Getz fellow obviously deserves a Silver Bullet—between the eyes.

CONFIDENTIAL TO BRIXEY You are soooo pathetic. How could you let Al Gore, the national media and the Democratic Party hierarchy—those are different entities, right?—come down on you over that gig at Hef's? You should have told those asswipes that they need you more than you need them. In an election year in which the GOP is closing its eyes and pretending to love gays, blacks and Latinos, would the Demo fat cats really keep their star Latina off the podium—and let everyone know they kept her off the podium? What kind of message does that send your constituents, your opponents and Latino voters everywhere? Remember: you're the only Democrat in the congressional delegation of the most Republican county in the country. The Democrats want the House. For years, you were a Republican. Remind Al Gore Inc. that you can always switch back. Once they realized a well-financed incumbent Latina Republican could own that district (forever), they'd let you hold your party on Larry Flynt's face.