Waterworld

Illustration by Bob AulMovieland Wax Museum's soon-to-open Titanic exhibit nearly suffered from too much realism on Oct. 28 when a 20-foot-by-20-foot section of roof gave way, breaking a sprinkler pipe and causing water to fill up offices and the main lobby. “I guess you could say our water delivery for the new Titanic set came in a bit early,” guffawed Rodney Fong, a spokesman for the Buena Park tourist trap. The re-creation of the sappy scene in which Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio cling to the doomed ship's bow is scheduled to open the week of Nov. 20. Fong credited quick action by the Buena Park Fire Department with keeping damage to wax figures at a minimum. Heavy early morning rains were identified as the cause of the cave-in, but we're not so sure—given the suspicious smirks that couldn't be wiped off the faces of the Laurel and Hardy likenesses.

WOODBRIDGE TO THE 21ST CENTURY Calling Woodbridge High School's “Warrior” mascot a racist caricature and a dishonor to Native American cultures, the American Indian Movement of Southern California vowed on Oct. 23 that “massive demonstrations” will disrupt sports events and school-board meetings if the Irvine Unified School District does not ditch the name. At a recent school-board meeting, Irvine Unified's trustees agreed that the school's administration and student body should decide the matter at a yet-to-be-scheduled forum. Clearly, the mascot's gotta go—but what will replace it? Clockwork believes something reflective of today's socially accepted racism is in order, such as the Woodbridge Wetbacks, the Woodbridge Suspected Arab Terrorists, or the Woodbridge Young Asians Pulled Over in Their Hondas Late at Night Because They Fit the Profile of Gang Members.

PAY TO PLAY Mall developers designed the Block at Orange to appeal to young people, but now that teens are swarming all over the place, adults are scared, reported the Oct. 27 Los Angeles Times. What are the teens doing that has everyone so alarmed? Hanging out. “It's terrible at night,” the paper quotes a 34-year-old Riverside mother of two as saying. “It gets bad on weekends. They act like this is their territory. Maybe they're up to nothing, but I don't know.” A crack Times investigative team even spotted this horrific scene: a group of kids “acting as if this was their back yard.” The message is clear: young people paying hourly rates at Vans Skatepark, ringing up the registers at Mars Music, or making the cinema the highest-grossing theater complex in Southern California is fine. But once they stop spending money and start standing around, it's time to break out the mace.

HE'S GOT OUR VOTE Can we woo Pat DiNizio to Orange County? The Smithereens' lead singer is the Reform Party candidate for a U.S. Senate seat in New Jersey, and on Oct. 27, he proved he knows a thing or three about what it takes to throw a right proper campaign fund-raiser: five kegs, six live rock bands, bottomless vats of spaghetti and championship wrestling. Hell, add twin midgets and cream cheese, and you've got a weekend at Clockwork's place. DiNizio explained himself thusly to the Washington Times: “Our campaign is so grassroots, it's beyond belief. We want to show people what a real fund-raiser is like, and that's not a bunch of stuffed shirts at $5,000 per plate.” The unstuffed shirts in an Italian-American hall in some burg called Scotch Plains paid $20 per plate.

FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO PARTY “We will work to make government large, difficult to fathom and somewhat cumbersome, but efficient enough to keep the voters satisfied or at least placidly confused,” boasts the National Barking Spider Resurgence Party, which is waging its presidential campaign on the Internet, according to the Oct. 28 Mojo Wire. Weekly editor Will Swaim, who once played in a punk band called the Barking Spiders, refused to return repeated calls for comment on this item.