An Open Letter To Michael Lohan

Dear (and I use that term loosely) Michael Lohan:

I won't apologize for the way I really feel regarding your daughter Lindsay and I don't think I stand alone here when I say that she has no doubt received preferential treatment for being a celebrity. If any one of us “common folk” had pulled half of the shit that she has over the years, we would no doubt have served plenty of time locked up behind bars at this point. DUI, felony drug possession, theft, assault, reckless driving, providing false information to a police officer…yeah…we'd be locked up. But Lindsay? Well, she gets rehab once again. What a lucky daughter you have.

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Now, let's get into something kind of random that I promise will all make sense later. I just hope you can follow along because it's been proven that you aren't the sharpest tool in the shed. Like Lindsay and much like yourself, we all have things to apologize for. I'm sorry I watch the Bravo “Housewives” franchise because, well, it's really awful. On the other hand, I will never apologize for listening to the Opie and Anthony show every day on Sirius XM like religion. You know about religion right? I mean, you love to talk about God so you should be able to relate.

Of course, you know all about the O&A show because earlier this week they did play the audio of Lindsay's appearance on David Letterman and it was indeed discussed. It went down like any other show where they voiced their opinions and as usual, I agreed with all of them. Unfortunately, Ant was out sick that day because it would have been stellar to hear him chime in but Jimmy nailed it and “The Opster” was spot on saying, “This broad gets away with murder.” Because she does. And she probably would.

Now back to tying in my guilty pleasure about the stupid Housewives. There was this one time when the Beverly Hills Housewives got all pissy with each other about “who sold what story to what media outlet” and shockingly, Radar Online came up. Kind of just like it has in the past with you! A lot actually. This got me thinking…they must pay you a pretty penny huh? Do you have them on speed dial?

Let's be honest here Michael, you're a real media whore. Someone says negative shit about you and Lindsay daily. It's hardly news! Really, it sounds to me like “someone” didn't want to be left out of Lindsay's “press week” even though “someone” had nothing to do with it. Am I right Mikey? With Lindsay voicing her dislike for you constantly and with a pretty impressive rap sheet of your own, your need to make a quick buck off a story is old and pathetic.Then again, who knows? Maybe you had a change of heart. After all, Lindsay is your daughter. I'm not saying you're heartless. Or am I? My guess, and I'm pretty positive I'm not too far off here, is that you got wind that O&A talked about you and your daughter and that you dialed up your buddies at Radar Online. Seeing that Lindsay will be in rehab for a while (well, she'll probably get out for “good behavior” somehow), you might need to cushion that bank account and you had to jump on the opportunity. I get it. I guess. OK…not really.

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Need proof? Jim Norton Twittered out a link to a Radar Online article that says you were mad because he called you out for being a horrible dad (The facts are the facts Michael) and you were quoted as saying, “They have some nerve saying such things about my daughter! Which I know they would never say to her face and especially not mine. When she was at the top of her career they all praised her. Now because she's having issues they slam her. God damn them!” What makes this statement BEYOND laughable is that they would absolutely say all of this to both of your faces (you clearly don't know them AT ALL) and furthermore, I've never heard them praise Lindsay. Like, ever.

After Jim tweeted this out, the O&A fans went on a tear as they regularly do (you don't want to mess with this bunch, trust me) and you, Mr. Lohan, took to your Twitter to do what you do best…which is act like a giant idiot. “Sticking up for your daughter” by blocking people, threatening, spouting off about God, and insulting people because of their lack of followers? I'm sure the good lord would be so proud.

Here are a few gems from the back and forth of Jim, Opie, and Michael so you can be the judge for yourself.

We're all entitled to our own opinions and of course, this is just mine. Do I hope Lindsay gets the help (once again) she needs in rehab? Sure. But if she relapses and gets in trouble again, I sure as fuck hope she gets years (yes, YEARS) behind bars like the rest of us would get. Sorry, I'm just being honest. And a little honesty never hurt anyone. Right, Michael?

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