Comedian Aries Spears is the king of provoking random (rather disturbing) thoughts to those who follow him on Twitter. Last time the former MADtv star came to OC, we played a game of “Would You Rather” with him and with an upcoming show at the Irvine Improv (May 1st through 4th), we jumped at the chance to do it all over again. Warning: this game isn't for the faint of heart.
See also: Aries Spears Plays a Disgusting Game of “Would You Rather”
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OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): How you come up with these outrageous questions is beyond me so mad props.
Aries Spears: I just have so much time on my hands and I smoke weed. When you put those two things together, that happens.
Well I'm going to first hit you with two of your own so you have to put yourself in a ladies shoes because you pick on us a lot. “Ladies if you absolutely HAD to pick, whose balls would you rather have on your chin after an hour in the steam room. Dr. Phil or Trinidad James?”
[Laughs.] Oh my goodness! If a lady were to ask me who she should pick, it would probably be Dr. Phil. He's rich money so his sweaty balls might be different. He might smell like a wad of fifty dollars!
Hilarious. Here's another gem from you…”Ladies for 4.5 million would you lick an old man's balls during a game of bingo till it's over or French kiss Biz Markie in the mouth w/ morning breath?”
[Laughs.] Wowww. I'd be curious to know your answer! I'd probably go with Biz Markie. His breath probably smells like old fishy cheese but the bingo game is longer. Then again if the dude jumped up and yelled BINGO, you'd get a break.
I'm totally with you on Biz. How come it's always 4.5 million by the way? Where'd you come up with that number?
I don't know really. I just think that is the number that I can get away with on Twitter without running out of characters. But hey, I know some people who are willing to do things for a couple of thousand!
OK it's my turn now. You have a video called “How a Fat Person See's Food” where R. Kelly is playing in the background. So, would you rather eat a five star meal that R. Kelly pee'd on or eat a five star meal off of Precious's naked body?
[Laughs.] Oh naked body all day! Yeah, the food isn't going to taste the same once it has piss in it. I don't give a fuck if it was Beyonce's piss. Piss is piss!
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Fair enough. Would you rather a chick go down on you that had shark teeth which would leave you scarred or get a tattoo of Justin Bieber's face on your rod?
Oh god! The jagged teeth. There'd probably still be a lot of pleasure in that. It'd be left scarred but it would even come close to the internal scars that I feel already from rejection.
OK that makes me sad and not believe you at the same time. Would you rather slide naked down a fireman's pole that was covered in sand paper or have sex with a dog on live stream so everyone would know?
Damn! You're all about wrecking a man's dick! [Laughs.] I'd choose the sandpaper. Yeah for sure. I'm scared of dogs so that wouldn't be good for me at all.
Wait. So if it was a different animal you'd pick it then?
Nahhhhh! [Laughs.] That animal thing is a little too wild for me!
Last one I promise although I swear we could go back and forth all day. Would you rather “pass” broken glass for a week or a Chinese throwing star just once?
Oh wow! You have a twisted sense of humor girl! [Laughs.] I'd pick the star because it would just hurt once. It would have to be for 4.5 million though!
You're such a good sport. I'm not trying to bust your nuts any more than I already have but according to my calculations, your last special came out in 2011. Are you working on a new one?
Yeah I mean, I'm working on a new one but I already have an hour I'll be doing in Irvine. The thing is, when you do a new special you almost have to be over prepared. Once that one comes out, you burn through that material so then when you go on tour, you have to have a new hour to promote the old hour. I'm in the middle of working on that new hour now. In Irvine it'll be what it is and we'll see what I come up with!
See also:
Steve-O Found a Way to Work Manginas Into His Stand-Up Comedy
10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time
10 Douchiest Drummers of All Time
Catch Aries Spears at the Irvine Improv May 1st through 4th, 71 Fortune Drive Irvine, CA 92618, (949) 854-5455. For tickets go to www.Improv.com. For more info check out www.AriesSpears.com, subscribe to his YouTube page AriesSpears23, and follow him on Twitter @AriesSpears.
Follow us on Twitter @OCWeeklyMusic and like us on Facebook at Heard Mentality and follow the author on Twitter @AliNotAlli.
Ali Lerman knows much about comedy, basketball, and celebrating Wu-Tang Wednesday. She’s been writing for sixteen years and still calls her mom with grammatical questions.