DEAR MEXICAN: Can you please explain to me the basis as to why some Chicanos and mexicanos get offended when you speak to them in Spanish? As a fellow Chicano, I find it hard to believe that raza gets offended by this genuine approach to them. Have you noticed this behavior yourself? That little dirty look that comes when you say “Hola” to them makes it hard to even approach. Is this pattern more deeply rooted in the times when speaking Spanish was a shameful act in the U.S.? And to be accepted, many Chicanos were prohibited from speaking Spanish? If the Reconquista were to be fulfilled, how would Spanish-speaking Chicanos and non-Spanish-speaking Chicanos get along?
Habla Henry
DEAR HENRY IS SPEAKING: As if Mexicans don't have it hard enough—narcos back home, Know Nothings in the States and a Mexican soccer team that probably won't win the FIFA World Cup in our lifetime—comes this conundrum. I get the underlying anger of Chicanos and Mexicans who don't want to speak Spanish; they're upset you don't think they're smart enough to understand English, or are so ashamed of not knowing Spanish that they take it out on you. But the flip side to that is Mexicans who get enojados if you address them in English—as if you're supposed to know they don't speak it! Can't paisas and pochos get along? And the answer is, of course, no. That's why the Mexican always greets everyone, regardless of linguistic ability, with a mariachi cry, the universal language of chingones, and then goes from there.
* * * * *
DEAR MEXICAN: I have to do an interview report on Mexican culture, and I need to interview a person who's from Mexico, but I don't know about that culture, even though I'm Mexican myself, but you Mexicans call me a whitewashed Mexican, so I don't think I will have the questions that I will need. So anyways, what good questions should I ask when I do my interview report about Mexican culture or anything about the Mexican things?
Run Ronaldo Run
DEAR WAB: Asking the Mexican about questions to ask Mexicans about Mexicans? How meta! The only real pregunta I have for my raza that I don't have an answer for is why more of you didn't buy my Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America, or how come someone hasn't started a torta chain that'll turn Chipotle into the next Chi-Chi's.
* * * * *
CONFIDENTIAL TO: Know Nothings who are trying to blame the recent measles outbreak on Mexicans—it ain't happening. Studies show that Mexicans are among the most vaccinated people in the United States, whether getting shots here as chicos or via those crazy needles our parents and cousins had to undergo back in Mexico that left a giant mark on their arms that resembles a Neolithic-era ceremonial scarring. The least vaccinated people in los Estados Unidos, on the other hand, are gabachos: the Amish, survivalists and suburban moms who lunch on kale. The myth of Mexicans bringing pandemics to kill off gabachos is a tool those on the Right tries to use again and again to further their career, but the last guy who tried it? Former CNN host Lou Dobbs—remember him? He's competing against a UHF signal nowadays, and that destiny will happen to all conspiracy-spewing gabachos like him—oh, and beautiful half-Mexican grandkids.
