Comedian Jesus Trejo Cares About Rick Ross's Weight

[Editor's Note: Quick Questions is our semi-regular feature where we ask comedians a ton of random questions without giving them time to think of anything funny to say. Surprisingly, they still do.]

We could tell you that the fourth annual Comedy Show for Autism is coming up on September 12th at The Fox Theatre. We could also tell you that the line-up has been beyond spectacular over the years, how incredible the line-up will be this year, and how letting comedians tickle your earhole all for a great cause feels better than great. Rather than go on and on though, we decided to tap comedian Jesus Trejo for a game of quick questions before he hits the stage at this very event because we know you're smart readers. So you get it. Also, we know Trejo is a smart ass comic who would get the game. Win MF-ing win all for a good reason, right?

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OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): What was your first time on stage like?

Jesus Trejo: My first time on stage? The only applause I got was when I got off stage. People were relieved that I was done. I dropped the mic giving it back to the host so it was this whole domino effect of shit going wrong. It was horrible.

Well at least you didn't give up! If you ever had the pleasure of winning the lottery, what would you do with all that cheddar? I'd probably fund more projects in comedy because there are few things that I'd like to do. I'd still stay in comedy but I'd get some nonprofits going and help out the kids.

Say Hollywood was to make a movie about your life. Who would you want to play you? Ideally Betty White. That'd be nice. I guess Edward James Olmos could play me because we have the same hairline so that'd be great.

Yeah he isn't a billion years older or anything but I can dig it. Which is better in your interweb book? Twitter or Facebook? Twitter. I like it because with 140 characters, there is less space to mess up. On Facebook you write this long thing and people call you out saying you spelled “there” or “their” wrong. If you mess up on Twitter you can be like, hey I ran out of space so I was abbreviating.

Brilliant. How do you feel about the word “bae?” I think it's a Twitter word. Everyone has their own little meme of it. Bae is probably the way I would spell it because I'd forget to put the extra “b” in there. It's pretty dumb. It's like, here's the look bae gets when blah, blah, blah. Stop it! Just stop!

Think back if you can…give me a memory you have from your drunkest night. [Laughs.] Alright. The drunkest thing I remember from being drunk…umm…I remember the concrete closing in over my face very quickly. Like I fell or passed out. I just remember the #16 parking lot space closing in on me.

When you hit the stage, do you think that there is anything off limits when it comes to joking? Well I think there is personally. I wouldn't want to joke about something that someone is very sensitive about. I'm very hyperaware of that. I usually don't touch on subjects that people will easily get offended by. I'm more of a self-deprecating comic so that's safe ground for me. I'm not trying to censor myself but I feel like there are times that I pick and choose what I say. I like to think I am still a new comic so I'm still trying to figure out what that scope is and that window is for me.

Fair enough. OK honestly, what did you do after prom night? Our prom was at the Nixon Library so we ended up standing outside because my buddy's car died. After we got the jump, we went to a Denny's like all of the other high school kids.
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Ummm no. The other high school kids were having sex.

[Laughs.] Well the group I was in wasn't fucking!

Sorry to hear that. Is there one song that you listen to the most? That's hard because it's usually a whole CD on repeat. I can't pinpoint one but any song with Rick Ross or Young Jeezy I rock out pretty hard to. I don't think a lot of people would expect that from me.

I like that you “rock out” to hip-hop. Yeah, I'm horrible with words choices. That word choice lets you know that most people wouldn't think I listen to them because no none says rock out to Rick Ross and Young Jeezy.

You're totally right, I would never guess you would've said that. Are you worried about Rick Ross's weight since you love him so much?
Yeah I mean, I think he's losing a lot of weight though. He's going to have to get some skin adjustments. He's going to be like a deflated balloon, it's just not going to look right. He's going to have all this loose skin like he's wearing a skin windbreaker or something.

If he had skin removal, I wonder what his tattoos would look like afterwards. Half a word here, half a dollar sign there… Yeah he's super tatted! If he gets skin removed it'll be like, ok, there are pieces missing to this puzzle. [Laughs.] It'll drive the doctor's crazy like, I need to know which goes where!

Ughh. That thought is so gross. So when you are on the road, do you collect anything? Souvenirs and such? I actually do. I always bring my mom shot glasses or a keychain from where I am. I also collect books but the books I collect are all basically like on a fifth grade reading list.

Adorable. What is the best advice that you've ever received and who gave it to you?
I think the best piece of advice was when Steve Trevino told me, “Everything takes time and it all happens differently for everybody. The only way you won't make it is if you quit.”

Jesus Trejo performs along with Steve Trevino, George Perez, Michael Malone, Tommy Chunn, and Keith Reza for the Comedy Show for Autism September 12th at The Fox Theatre, 500 N. Harbor Blvd. Fullerton, CA 92832. For more info, go to www.FullertonCares.com. You can also catch Jesus on “Adam DeVine's House Party” on Comedy Central September 30th, check out his website www.JesusTrejo.com, and follow him on Twitter @JesusTrejo.

See also:
Steve-O Found a Way to Work Manginas Into His Stand-Up Comedy
10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time
10 Douchiest Drummers of All Time

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