Having a conversation with a comic can be a dream come true if you happen to be a fan. Or a total fan boy (or girl). When you talk to comedians for a living, well, one could say that is a wet dream come true. Since I happen to be lucky enough to do that for a living, I figured I'd hit a few of them up to give me some advice. Of the dating nature. See, comics are writers so they no doubt understand how it is to have deadlines (well, show dates for them) as well as having the “gift” of being in your own head all of the time. (Which can quite honestly lead to a few negative effects on life's views.) Add those two together and some people (me) could have a hard time juggling a relationship as well. I know it's kind of crazy (and hilariously ironic) to ask comics for love advice but fuck it, I'm going there. And yes, I realize that their guidance might be sick and might not be the best but hey, I know who I'm dealing with. As do they.
Lahna Turner has become one of my closest friends over the years and since we've dished incredible amounts of dirt to each other with zero judgment attached, I knew when it came time to try out online dating and fill in the profile that goes along with it, she'd be perfect to help me convey honesty.
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OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): First off, this is crazy. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. Do you know anyone who dates online?
Lahna Turner: Yeah! It's funny because I recently saw a friend of mine from high school and she trolls on Craigslist now! It's the funniest shit. She gets guys to write her back and she wants to know how big their dick is and she won't respond unless it's a certain size. [Laughs.] She's all about it, it's hilarious and crazy.
I find that honesty refreshing actually because she knows what she wants. Having a mate with the perfect piece would be ideal. At least she's weeding out the tiny pecker crew.
I agree. I do know others on dating websites though too. I have a friend who met her husband on Match and he's a perfect guy. My cousin actually met her husband on Match also. What I like about it for people is that it sifts through the riffraff. When a man and woman sign up and they're honest, they're able to find certain elements that would take you hours to sort out if you were in a bar. This could work for you because time is valuable and you could weed out guys online without ever even having to look them in the eyes. You'll just need to find someone with a sense of humor because you're very funny and you really get it. I think humor is a huge aphrodisiac for you and that's why you are attracted to otherwise unattractive men. You need humor, and a sick sense of humor too! That's going to be your number one thing. You don't care what he looks like, you just need him to make you laugh. With online dating, you just need to open yourself to the possibility that you could really find someone here.
Yes and YES! I pulled some of the questions for the profile and since you know me so well, I thought you could answer them for me and I'd take them into consideration. Here's some of the list…
Body Type: I can tell you exactly what your body type is! You're busty and yummy. You're adorable! You can also be described “spinner” because you're tiny.
Haha a spinner huh? Wow. It then asks about my “religious beliefs.” I think you are an atheist Jew or a reformed beyond reformed Jew. You're a Jew who likes Hitler moustaches on Halloween.
Hilarious, that's brilliant. I hate to break down politics because I lean both ways but it wants to know my “political views.” Just say, fiscally republican but a socially bi-sexual democrat. That way they know you swing both ways.
Gotcha. The “occupation” question seems easy enough… Yeah but you have a niche! You write about stand-up so you should write that you're the Carrie Bradshaw of comedy.
OK that would make any woman happy. [Laughs.] It's true though because she was like “Sex in the City” and you're “Stand-up in the OC!”
The best part is that we actually think that a guy would get a Carrie reference. Alright I think this is a rude question but, it wants to know my salary range. You should say that! I don't think people should know what everyone makes because asking about money is almost more taboo than asking them about sexual partners. It's like, would you rather I have a million dollars or that I fucked a million people? Should they also include penis size in there? There are a lot of women that are willing to overlook a small income for a large dick. It's like saying, I make my money doing kegels all day long. Does it matter that I'm broke if my pussy is tight? [Laughs.]
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Holy shit seriously! I'd rather talk about my sexual past than my bank account. It also wants to know what some of my favorite local “hot spots” are which is funny because I spend most of my time at home. I'd say any place that has comedy because you spend a lot of time working so when you do get out, you're very social. There are two sides to you. There's the really disciplined and studious woman who sits on her computer and works her ass off and then, you're also someone who wants to blow off steam and say fuck it, I just want to have fun. You're very much like a comedian because you found a way to be entrenched in the heart of the stand-up circle very much so. I think of you like a stand-up comedian who doesn't stand on stage. Maybe you could just say, “I love to laugh and I love my work so I spend most of my time in comedy clubs.”
That's pretty much spot on love. OK the next question is so random because it asks, “Are there pets you like but don't own?” That's so dumb because it's like, you're an adult! If you want a pet, you'll get it! Maybe it's a “red flag” question because guys will avoid an answer like, “I have three cats and I'm looking for my fourth.”
Ha!! That's totally what it is! What do they expect here? Oh yeah, I've always wanted a whale but I have nowhere to put it. So stupid. Well since the last part of the profile is what I'm looking for in a man, let's just handle the headline. Apparently I need a good one to “catch a man's eye.” That's so hard because it's impossible to sum up. Maybe you should say something like, “Not someone who would typically do Match.com” because really, Ali. Match.com?
Update: At the time of publishing, my “profile” is still up for review on Match.com. Fucking yikes.
Pick up Lahna's new special “So I Wrote a Song About It” on iTunes, Amazon, Google, Vudu, and Xbox. For more info, go to www.LahnaTurner.com and follow her on Twitter @LahnaTurner.
See also:
Steve-O Found a Way to Work Manginas Into His Stand-Up Comedy
10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time
10 Douchiest Drummers of All Time
Follow us on Twitter @OCWeeklyMusic and like us on Facebook at Heard Mentality and follow the author on Twitter @AliNotAlli.
Ali Lerman knows much about comedy, basketball, and celebrating Wu-Tang Wednesday. She’s been writing for sixteen years and still calls her mom with grammatical questions.