Comedian Mark Normand Wants 70 Percent

Hilariously twisted with a throwback type of drawl. That’s how we’d describe comedian Mark Normand. If you’re into that type of comic because you are cool, enjoy a laugh and are not at all uptight, you should grab a ticket to see him at the Irvine Improv Friday and Saturday, Sept. 13-14. Since Mark isn’t in Orange County too frequently, and before he graces our fair town, we got him to play along as we threw ridiculous Q’s at him and demanded A’s. (Spoiler: we gave him an A+.)

Ali Lerman: I’d like to start off by making my parents proud so, have you ever kicked anyone in the dick and/or balls?

Mark Normand: Many times! I went to middle school! One time when I was a freshman in high school, I flicked a guy in the ball sack while he was sleeping in class. He was so pissed. He was like, “That’s bad form, you know I was asleep.” You know guys with all these dumb codes and shit. So it kind of got around school and everyone agreed that the only way for him to get justice would be to get one swift kick in the sack while people held my arms and legs in the locker room.

Wait. How is that fair? Because you sucker dick kicked him?

Exactly. It was very Lord of the Flies because we were in that cage in the locker room and everyone was holding my arms and my legs. It felt like prison! He took this running start and did like some soccer kick. BUT, he hit my inner thigh mostly and missed the garbage. I decided to hit the floor in agony so I kind of got away with it.

Very slick, dick. So after Jerry Seinfeld name dropped you, who was your most jealous friend?

[Laughs.] I can tell you this right now. It was Nate Bargatze. He’s a brilliant comic but he’s the clean guy! We all look up to him in New York because he can kill anywhere with his wacky country bumpkin bullshit while we’re all talking about jizz and queefs. He can talk about tooth brushes and kill! He can do any room and everyone loves him. So yeah, he’s observational and clean and he has always loved Jerry. So when that shout out clip came out, he was happy for me but he was like, “Ahhh, it should have been me.”

Ha! I’m a huge Nate fan, I totally get that. Around how much time passes in the morning before you get on your phone?

Sadly, I don’t sleep well and I always wake up three hours before a normal person should and I go right to the phone. I’m not proud of it. And then you try to be a good guy and healthy person and get off the phone, and then you miss a text or a call about a gig and someone yells at you like, “What the hell! I’ve been trying to get a hold of you!”

We’re slaves. If you died and could take over someone’s body that is alive now, who are you going with?

Oh wow. My first thought is Larry David but then I realize he doesn’t seem happy so I don’t know if I really want to be him. Then I’m thinking The Rock because then you could be a huge guy. But then it’s like, he just works out all day and he’s not a funny guy. I would probably have to go with … ummm … who seems happy … ummm …

I get why this is difficult, everyone has issues these days.

That’s what it is. That’s a good point. We know too much about people now. Alright, I’ll go Larry David.

Thank you for ending the suspense. Not just for the purpose of giving shout outs, do you listen to any podcasts on the regular?

Yeah, I listen to the Adam Carolla Show now and then. I think he’s really great and he tries to be funny, which I appreciate because so many people aren’t trying to be funny. I’ll check out Rogan too if it’s a good guest. Sometimes it’s some physicist from Kansas that I don’t need to hear about.

Did you listen to Killer Mike on Rogan? Big fan. Just had to shout that out. I’m sure he’ll appreciate that as much as you did with Jerry.

He will and I didn’t hear it! I’ll listen today. I never thought about it because I kind of just thought he was a rapper and that’s it.

Oh, no. He’s a hero. Highly recommend it. You ever listen to your own podcast?

No way! I don’t listen to or watch anything I do. It’s too tough. I’d pick it apart like, “Oh god, why’d I say that? I hate my voice. I’m such a douche. What am I doing with myself? I gotta kill myself” … a lot of that stuff.

Many people are like that, I think. Well, not narcissists. Speaking of, do you have any hidden talents you’d like to brag about?

Well, a couple of things. I’m a hell of a parallel parker. I think I’m pretty good at the cunnilingus, too. I mean, every guy thinks he is, but I’ve got some good Yelp reviews. I can also retain weird information. Like, I can name the actors in movies, locations and the years. I can also name where people are from like, gimme me an actor. I bet I can tell you where they’re from.

Marlon Wayans.

New York City.

I have to look that up and … correct! What a strange yet impressive trick. What’s one of your most insane drunk experiences?

I mean, that’s my whole childhood! I’ve had so many. One time I blacked out and woke up in the car and I was driving with two left wheels that had popped up over the guardrail on the interstate. The rail was under the middle of the car and I saw sparks and everything. It was screeching and I woke up, jerked the wheel off the guard rail, and both tires were popped off and I was just riding on the rims. I drove a 1971 Cutlass convertible so I had to go to a junkyard to find those exact rims because it was such a rare car. Two days later, my dad asked why I had one orange rim and one green one and I was like, “Oh well, you know these kids around here!” I’ve had so many drunk nights. I should be dead.

It’s astounding what we’ve lived through. What’s the last lie you told?

Oh, Jesus Christ, there are so many! I tell lies like 60 percent of the time. I mean, I got off the plane and the guy asked how my flight was and I said, “Great!” It was a horrible flight. Lying keeps the world moving. Do I look fat in this? Not at all! Just keep going! I had a lady ask me if she could come to my hotel room and I was like, “Sure!” I wasn’t that into her though, so I gave her the wrong hotel.

Hahaha, oh my god, Mark! Is this your first time headlining the Irvine Improv?

I did a weekend there about a year and a half ago. It went surprisingly well considering I never really go to LA. I think people were like, “Oh, we should go see him because he’s here.” I think it made the club guy go, “Oh, this is alright for a non-famous guy! Let’s have him back!” So here I am. Last time it was about 30 percent who knew me and 70 percent who were like, “Let’s just go see this guy.” Let’s hope this time it’s flipped.

Any words of wisdom for the people of Irvine who might have forgotten that comedy clubs are for laughs?

I feel like I talk about every horrible thing in the book so if I say what I talk about now, they’ll just assume it’ll be bad. But if they just come and hear me talk about it, I’m gonna land this plane. Don’t worry, we’re gonna have some horrible shit go down but I’m gonna get you through it.

For tickets to see Mark Normand at the Irvine Improv, 31 Fortune Dr., Irvine, on Fri.-Sat., Sept 13-14, go to Improv.com. Follow him on Twitter @MarkNorm, check out his website MarkNormandComedy.com, and listen to his podcast “Tuesdays with Stories!”