[Editor's Note: Quick Questions is our semi-regular feature where we ask comedians a ton of random questions without giving them time to think of anything funny to say. Surprisingly, they still do.]
Texas native Shawn Halpin is a god damn hero having served our country as a Marine and when he takes his talent to the stage, he's an all-around entertainer. This comedic bearded bandit has dazzled crowds all over the world and with an incredible podcast “The Full Count” and a new CD out called “Texas Crude,” we figured there was no better time to engage Halpin in a little game we like to call, “Quick Questions.”
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What are three words that you totally hate? Ointment, moist, and jewelry. Either people say jew-rey or jewela-rie. Jizzelry. Grossss!
Biggest pet peeve- People that are late. The military kind of taught me “fifteen minutes prior” so I'm usually on time.
Craziest thing you've ever done while drunk- I'm not sure if I've done anything really crazy. We used to go to this bar and I'd grab a whole stack of napkins, throw them up in the air, and they'd come down like confetti. The whole place would go crazy. We'd call it, “dancing in the napkins.” Everyone loved it except for the people that had to clean up the bar. I used to work at the bar that we did that at and they weren't too happy about it but, we'd still do it anyway.
What's your favorite pick up line? You wanna go back to my place to order a pizza and fuck? What? You don't like pizza?
How about the craziest pick up line ever said to you? You gonna eat that?
What's the best and the worst show you have ever been to? The best was probably the Foo Fighters and the worst is a Christian comedy night. Any Christian comedy night. [Laughs.] They try to do clean comedy and not all clean comics are funny. There are a lot of great clean comics, but not everyone. When you try to Jesus up your comedy it just doesn't work for me.
What was the first movie you saw in the theaters? I think it might have been “Heavy Metal.” It was a cartoon but it has all of these songs in it, had drugs in it, and the girls were all naked. It was R-rated…I was young! I think my cousin took us to that or something. It was like, we're all sitting there watching this movie with drugs and these cartoon girls with huge boobs and my mom was like, “Yeah. I don't know about that!” [Laughs.] I was like, this is awesome!!
First time on stage- It was in 2002 I think and at the Addison Improv. I had taken this creative writing class and they told us we could do three to five minutes. Everyone was trying to do five but I was like, fuck it. I'm going to do three minutes, do well, and get off. I believe in leaving people wanting more. Also, I only had three minutes.
What's something you plan on accomplishing this year because you didn't last year? Getting on late-night TV. Like on Craig Ferguson or Arsenio or something.
If they made a movie about your life, who would you want to play you? Kevin James. He could play me in the younger years and then grow a beard for the later years.
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What's your guiltiest pleasure? Mexican food…and baby wipes.
What's an awful song that you love so much? Oh god there are so many. I guess that one song “Bye, Bye, Bye” by N-Sync.
Best Halloween costume you've ever worn- I dressed as a devil one time when I went to Portland. I was at this Halloween party and they had this band there. They wanted me to come up and sing “Little Devil” by the Cult so I got up there and sang with them. They kept going, “Come up here devil!”
If you were on death row, what would you pick as your last meal? Chicken fried steak, okra, and mashed potatoes with gravy.
Jesus you are sooo from Texas. Who the fuck picks okra for their last meal? Like you need it to be well balanced or something? [Laughs.] Fried okra! Fried! And you gotta have some sweet tea…or pussy.
Honestly, when was the last time you checked your Myspace? Myspace? Fuck, like three or four years ago. I get stuff every once in a while saying to check Myspace and it's like, no! Why would I want to do that? Myspace is like an old mall. Only black people and Mexicans go to it. [Laughs.]
What's the best advice you've ever received? I was working with Dave Attell and someone asked if he had any advice for young comics and Dave goes, “Yeah. Don't take advice from comics.” Of course there is always also the regular stuff like, you should create your own path and do what makes you happy because you'll get a greater reward at the end.
Oh god. Don't get all fucking sappy on me Halpin. The Attell advice was better. [Laughs.] Yeah…and pussy.
Grab Shawn Halpin's new CD “Texas Crude” and see where he'll be next on his website www.ShawnHalpin.com, subscribe to “The Full Count Podcast” on iTunes, and follow him on Twitter @ShawnHalpin.
See also:
Steve-O Found a Way to Work Manginas Into His Stand-Up Comedy
10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time
10 Douchiest Drummers of All Time
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Ali Lerman knows much about comedy, basketball, and celebrating Wu-Tang Wednesday. She’s been writing for sixteen years and still calls her mom with grammatical questions.