So you've got a vendetta against chickenkind, but you're barred by restraining order from Zacky Farms? Get your revenge by torturing and murdering the popular Easter candy known as Peeps. We worked with Pepe the Peep to find which was the most efficient way.
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1. Boiling
By far the most dramatic method, this involved dropping Pepe into a pot of boiling hot water. Pepe floated around on top, screaming (Peeping?) for help, but after just a minute had turned into a pile of bubbles floating atop a sea of yellowish liquid. 1:05
2. Waterboarding
How exactly do you waterboard a Peep, given that they float? You borrow a child's Little People ambulance set's toy stretcher and attach the Peep with a rubber band. Then you set it on a board, bind a towel across its face, and turn on the sink. Dick Cheney was right: this thing sang like a canary, which helped us foil an avian terror plot targeting the Perdue factory in Arkansas. It also did not kill Pepe. Failure.
3. Microwaving
The most well-known Peep destruction method; Peeps in the microwave blow up to four or five times their size under the watchful eye of the magnetron. Sadly, I used a plate that was not microwave safe, so Pepe extracted his revenge by fusing utterly to the plate. 1:49
4. Baking
The glory of Microwave Elephantitis Peep happens more slowly in the oven at 400°F. It's still the same dramatic expansion, still the same liquefication of the internal marshmallorgans, still the same delicious result, but slower. 2:00, plus 10:00 for preheat
5. Chopping
This required advanced technology, in the form of one of those little mini-choppers. While it did not exactly make mincemeat out of the Peep, it did eventually render it unrecognizable; because it stuck to the blade, what came out was a very sticky, mottled yellow and white ball of ex-Peep. 0:20
6. Overinflating
I inserted a kids' straw and started to inflate the Peep. It worked really well for about three seconds, and then I blew a hole in Pepe's side. This rendered any further attempts unproductive, so I skewered him with the straw. Failure.
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7. Burning
Who said a crème brûlée torch was only good to brûler sugar on top of custard? In Anaheim, where Boy Scout Jamborees are few and the only campfires are those of the homeless people living under the bridges on the Santa Ana River Trail, the best chance for a toasty marshmallow treat is a Peep and a torch. In the immortal words of Butthead, “FIRE! FIRE!” 1:16
8. Cleaving
Davey Lieberman took an axe and gave that mallow just two whacks, and when he saw the job was done, he ate the carnage and then moved on. Short, sweet and to the point. 0:02
9. Cursing
Nothing says “I love you” like a voodoo Peep. Poor Pepe got stuck with a bunch of toothpicks in hopes that somewhere, some other sinning marshmallow chicken would die of puncture wounds. Sadly, no such analogue Peep was found. Failure.
10. Spätzling
Perhaps the most grisly method of Peep destruction, this involved pressing Pepe through a Spätzle maker, a cross-hatched wire mesh used to turn whole wheat dough into delicious German dumplings. Pepe performed admirably and willingly split into about 24 pieces. 0:23
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