Daily Affirmation

Photo by Johan VogelWe couldn't stomach watching C-SPAN's gavel-to-grovel coverage of the Republican National Convention July 31 through Aug. 3, so we'll give a sno cone to anyone who loans us the tape of the nutbars praying during the gay guy's speech. Does that mean they're taking the missionary position on that issue? When it came to finding out what was happening at the convention without actually watching the convention, Clockwork turned to our No. 1 news source: The Daily Show. Former Senator and current Kansan Bob Dole was such a scream as he recapped the day's events with anchor Jon Stewart that we almost wish we could take a time machine back to November 1996 and vote for him. Almost. How come Dole never smiled like that on the campaign trail? Back then, he'd only show his teeth under that sinister, Nixonian scowl—and we'd go hide under the kitchen table. Viagra really does wonders for you old farts, eh, Bob? Speaking of old farts, Helen Thomas was corralled by the Daily's always hilarious correspondent Stephen Colbert, who asked the grand dame of presidential press conferences if covering the presidencies of George Bush and George Walker Bush reminded her of covering the presidencies of John Adams and John Quincy Adams. She deadpanned back that she hasn't covered a George Walker Bush presidency.

CHANNEL SURFIN' CONGRESSMAN Now, don't accuse us of relying solely on a low-rated cable comedy program for news. We also watch ABC's Politically Incorrect, on which Congressman Dana Rohrabacher (R-Huntington Beach) popped up on Aug. 3. Host Bill Maher said he was disappointed that the environment was ignored at the GOP Monster Truck Rally. That led to a debate over global warming, which Moral Majoritician Jerry Falwell flat-out called a myth, with Rohrabacher serving as the reverend's choir. Actress Lynn Redgrave and TV's Superman, Dean Cain, were incredulous over what the Grand Ol' Poopyheads were saying, while Maher became increasingly incensed. Rohrabacher mentioned how he chaired a subcommittee on global warming and “interrogated” scientists on both sides of the issue, which, he reminded Maher, “you have not.” “No, I haven't interrogated them,” the comedian replied. “I just read them. I don't put them under a bare lightbulb with a rubber hose.” That drew laughter and applause, which Rohrabacher tried to cut off by asking, “Why don't you have a scientist on the other side of that issue on your show?” Answered Maher, “Because Professor Irwin Corey is busy. He's the only scientist on the other side of that issue.” [Kiddies, ask your parents who Professor Irwin Corey is—or was.] When the topic switched to gays and the GOP, Rohrabacher was as silent as a statue, save for a sly smile and a couple guffaws. MOVIN' ON UPFullerton Councilwoman Julie Sa on Aug. 3 denied allegations her primary residence is her Chino Hills estate, maintaining that she lives mostly in her one-bedroom Fullerton apartment. What the hell is this woman doing on the City Council? She belongs in Congress right next to Loretta Sanchez! MARRYING MAN Real-estate magnate Henry Segerstrom is a newlywed, having remarried less than two months after Wife No. 2 died, the Times Orange County reported on Aug. 6. The 77-year-old reportedly met No. 3—a New York mental-health professional—a few weeks ago. Damn, Hank's courtship was quicker than the average time it takes to find a parking space at his South Coast Plaza shopping mall. GOD SMACK An Aug. 6 Orange County Register story on Huntington Beach's embattled mayor, Dave Garofalo, was short on light, but it did provide this memorable line: “Some activists and reporters are 'screwing him,' says the Reverend Lionel Bouvier, a priest who comes each winter to serve at St. Bonaventure.” We're unsure—being godless heathens and all—but we believe “screwing him” is a biblical reference.