January
1 In a dramatic moment of historic significance, Robert H. Schuller announces he is stepping down as senior pastor of Garden Grove’s Crystal Cathedral and handing the mantle over to his son, Robert A. Schuller. If you think calling this a historic moment is overstating things, just know that’s what the Crystal Cathedral called it on its website. In fact, the Cathedral not only called this “historic news,” but also said the elder Schuller is “regarded as one of the most influential religious leaders in history.” In history. So that would be Moses, Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed and Robert H. Schuller, the man who pioneered the drive-in church and charging 40 bucks for a “Mustard Seed Charm Necklace.” Schuller is considered the father of the megachurch—I guess someone had to be—his cathedral providing prosperous refuge for wealthy businessmen to feel good about the things they do during the week . . . 5Charles Manrow, the so-called “senior citizen bandit,” is arraigned today in Santa Ana for a series of bank holdups, including heists in San Juan Capistrano, Laguna Niguel and Seal Beach. During robberies, Manrow, who is 70, is alleged to have waved a gun at bank tellers. Though he’d threatened to kill them, the tellers did allow that Manrow was the nicest elderly customer they’d ever had . . . 11 The Long Beach Police Department cops to a December audit that revealed 85 of the department’s 272 shotguns are missing. Police Chief Anthony Batts has ordered all 900 of his uniformed police to actively search for the missing guns, which sounds like Easter at Charlton Heston’s . . . 15 Professional bowler Jason Couch defeats Parker Bohn III in the championship match of the Dick Weber Open at the Fountain Bowl in Fountain Valley. The usual orgy of celebratory rioting breaks out, spurred on by drunken “bowligans” . . . 24 Irvine’s Great Park Corp. announces the selection of landscape architect Ken Smith to design the Great Park. Smith is from New York, and his work is described as “cutting-edge” and “avant-garde” by people who speak “in-clichs.” Smith calls this the “project of a lifetime,” which may be him talking about the honor or talking about the fact that none of us will ever live to see the thing completed. Staying true to his roots, Smith, who has designed smaller parks in New York, promises the park will be constructed with plenty of hidden nooks for wilding . . . 26 In the most anticipated move by new owners Henry and Susan Samueli, the couple announces the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim will no longer be known by that stupid, stupid name. The Samuelis employed Irvine-based Paine PR to guide the name search and what did they come up with? The former Mighty Ducks of Anaheim will now be known as . . . the Ducks of Anaheim. Now, I’m not saying the Samuelis wasted their money, but they could have pretty much come up with that name by looking at the Mighty Ducks name on the Pond marquee and covering their left eyes. I’m not bragging, but I think I could canvass my office right now and come up with a lot better team names. Here, gimme a second . . . okay, I sent out an e-mail requesting a new name for the Ducks, and here’s what I got:
The Mighty Ducks of Riverside
The Lemurs (mine)
Who are you?
The Mites
Who are you and what is your fascination with lemurs?
The Mighty Flucks
No, I do not care in the least that lemurs have scent glands on their bottoms.
The Dighty Mucks
I have referred this matter to Human Resources.
La Migra
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to Henry and Susan Samueli as well as the hard-working folks at Paine PR if I in any way intimated that the Weekly staff was capable of coming up with better team names when I wrote that the Weekly staff could “come up with a lot better team names.” Go Lemurs!
February
3 As the Arte Moreno/Los Angeles Angels Farewell Tour continues in Orange County Superior Court, a former Disney business strategist says his company never intended for Anaheim (which he calls a “small part of a very big place”) to be the only regional designation for the Angels when Disney owned the team. Larry Murphy tells the court he “personally was concerned” that calling the team the “Anaheim Angels” “might stymie the growth and development of the franchise. . . . At some point, we might have to find a way to incorporate another geographic region—Orange County, Los Angeles, whatever.” According to internal Disney memos, the folks who brought you the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim were considering Mighty Angels of Anaheim, Avenging Angels of Anaheim, Devilish Angels of Anaheim, Conquering Angels of Anaheim and Fearless Angels of Anaheim, as well as Pacific Shades, Orange County Breeze and Southern California Surf. All of a sudden, LA Angels of Anaheim is sounding more like the Royal Shakespeare Academy, ain’t it? . . . 9 The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim win their case with the city of Anaheim and can continue to call themselves the Los Angeles Angels of Blah Blah Blah. After weeks of testimony, expert witnesses and disputed statistics, it takes the jury just four hours to arrive at its verdict. Interviewed afterward, jurors say they don’t so much think the Angels presented a good case as they believe Anaheim agreed to a really crappy contract that in no way required that their city’s name appear before the team name. This would be shocking if it weren’t so typical of Anaheim, which has been signing crappy deals with professional sports teams for a long time, whether it was the Rams, who bolted, or the Angels under Disney, which got Anaheim to agree to enormous concessions and, in return, allowed Anaheim to run the parking lot . . . 16 President George W. Bush says Vice President Dick Cheney has been “profoundly affected” by accidentally shooting his friend Harry Whittington in the face. “I saw the deep concern he had about a person who he wounded,” Bush says. That’s nice. Anybody mention that more than 2,000 Americans have been killed in Iraq in a war that profoundly affected the good fortune of Cheney’s old company Halliburton? . . . 21The Orange County Register runs a story headlined “Red-faced Cheney Has Lots of Company,” which begins: “When we asked readers to share with Dick Cheney their embarrassing moments, we didn’t realize how many gun-related mishaps we would get.” In the same section that asked readers to send cutesy shots of cats doing cutesy things like getting into the laundry hamper or being shot in the face by Dick Cheney, the Register runs a collection of uproarious tales of accidental shootings and actual maimings such as: “We all yelled, hit the ground and duck-and-covered like they teach you to do in disaster drills at school. We were hit! I had a little silver ball in my arm; my mom’s temple was grazed; and my brother was hit in the leg.” Priceless! And then there’s this rib tickler: “When I was ready to retire for the night, I picked up the gun to move it and then the world exploded! I thought we had had an earthquake. I looked at my hand; it was like viewing an episode of M*A*S*H! It appeared that my two middle fingers were missing on my left hand, and yes, blood was arcing up just like in a bad TV episode. . . . I have permanent nerve damage in my left hand as well as permanently crooked fingers. Fortunately, I am right-handed. . . . I am very lucky.” Stop, stop, my side hurts from laughter and a hollow-point bullet! . . . 24 An arbitration panel awards nearly $900,000 to two former Thomas Kinkade Signature Gallery owners, saying Kinkade’s company fraudulently induced them to invest in the business, a business they eventually lost a lot of money in. The pair, Karen Hazelwood and Jeffrey Spinello, say they invested $122,000 of their own money to open the first two Kinkade galleries because Kinkade company officials “failed to disclose material information.” It would seem the only material information one would need is to take a look at any one of Kinkade’s completed canvases, which look like they were painted by Bilbo Baggins. The pair said that Kinkade used his Christian faith to entice them; I guess they figured any man who could defame God’s beauty like that and still be allowed to live must be in pretty good with the Almighty.
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March
1 The Orange County Board of Supervisors approves the donation of 125 bulletproof vests and 805 protective vehicle panels from the OC Sheriff’s Department to a Marine unit. Unfortunately, this material was used, waaaaay used. Nine years used. This stuff was so used the department was either going to donate it or destroy it because it was more vulnerable to current types of ammunition. That’s current types of ammunition available in Orange County. I wonder if they have current types of ammunition in Iraq? Do rocket-propelled grenades qualify? Still, the Marines are happy to get whatever they can, even if it’s nine years old and only kinda bulletproof—bulletproof-ish. . . 7Thomas Kinkade, painter of light, when asked during a deposition if he had groped a woman’s breasts during a meeting of Kinkade Gallery owners—allegedly said, “These aregreat tits”—responded, “But you’ve got to remember, I’m the idol to these women who are there. They see my work every day, you know? They’re enamored with any attention I would give them.” Yes! Now why doesn’t he paint that . . . 17 Happy St. Patrick’s Day! This is the second day of a joint conference in Anaheim between experts from the American Society of Aging and the National Council of the Aging. The conference brings together more than 5,000 academics, gerontology professionals and people who can’t remember where they put the TV remote . . . 19 On this, the last day of the Anaheim aging conference, a report from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons says the number of cosmetic procedures climbed above the 10 million mark last year. Most of the procedures are of the office-based variety, such as Botox injections, where someone is repeatedly stuck in the face with a needle, a procedure once known as the “Huguenot solution” but now called “minimally invasive.” There were nearly 4 million injections of Botox, manufactured by Irvine-based Allergan, in 2005, almost five times the number in 2000. The other top minimally invasive procedure was the always charming “chemical peel,” originally developed by Robert Oppenheimer and colleagues at Los Alamos. But it wasn’t all good news for poor self-image. There were disappointing numbers in regards to pectoral implants and calf augmentation—just 206 and 337 procedures, respectively—as well as just 793 vaginal rejuvenations, most of those performed on the male leadership of the Democratic Party . . . 29 The Anaheim City Council unanimously approves a preliminary list of 150 candidates to be considered for enshrinement in the city’s “Walk of Stars.” City leaders are hopeful the Walk will do for Anaheim what Hollywood’s Walk of Fame has done for that urine-stained, miserable vortex of sadness and crime populated by the broken as well as by horrified visiting hayseeds who demand to be taken to Hollywood and suddenly realize why their Southern Californian hosts repeatedly said, “I don’t think you want to do that. It’s not what you think.” The Walk was the idea of Gerald Ishibashi, who said that the success of shows such as The O.C. has made Orange County “a brand in itself now, and Anaheim is a key player.” Yeah, pretty much anyone who watches The O.C., based in Newport Beach, or Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County is thinking they’d like to visit a landlocked town with a sizable German population. After the vote, Councilman Harry Sidhu says of the Walk: “I think it’ll bring a lot of tourists right from Hollywood to come see our stars.” Now, I’ve never met Councilman Harry Sidhu, but the man is either an idiot, deranged or a shameless tool, because I can guarantee you NO ONE is going to drive directly from Hollywood to Anaheim to look at the ground. The only place tourists drive to directly from Hollywood is the E.R. or back to the hotel for some therapeutic shuddering.
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April
3 “Did you hear about Buddy?” Weekly editor Will Swaim asks me in that searching way that clenches you the way the phone ringing at 3 a.m. does. “What about him?” “He died Sunday.” “What? How?” “Heart attack.” Buddy Seigal was the music editor of this paper for a time. He was a short, squat, powerfully built guy, though the powerful part may have had more to do with his attitude than physique. He seemed tough, but he could be disarmingly generous in his comments about something you’d written or about your lack of musical sophistication. And for a guy who exuded cool, he could be bald-faced affectionate, and by affectionate I mean walk off the stage on which he’d been performing at the office Christmas party, take you in his arms and kiss you full on the mouth to the delight of your son. But the first thing I thought of when I heard of Buddy’s passing was about how he left the paper. One day, a paper-wide e-mail from Buddy showed up that began by saying he was resigning as music editor because he and Will had differing ideas about what the Weekly’s music section should be. I remember reading that first sentence and thinking, Oh, Christ, here comes the crusher. And Buddy Siegal, who once wrote “David Bowie has always sucked harder than Jenna Jameson on crystal meth,” could crush. Instead, what followed was a request by Buddy that there be no whisper campaign on his behalf, that people not spend time gossiping about his departure. He emphasized that this was simply a disagreement between colleagues. Graceful, dignified, it bowled me over as it has ever since; I don’t think a week goes by that I don’t think of that e-mail. We live in a time when to disagree with someone invites demonization—perhaps questions about your patriotism. We live in a time when everyone seems desperate to hold the high ground of victimization. Buddy would have none of that. Responsible and forthright, you might say his message was the action of an evolved human being, or you just might say it was the action of someone being a man. . . 5 Costa Mesa Police Chief John Hensley retires at the ripe old age of 50, apparently because he wasn’t thrilled with the idea of having his men go through people’s garbage. Folks in that city really take an interest in each other, so much so that the City Council told Hensley to have his cops start checking people’s papers, you know, like something out of Orwell or Nazi Germany or Wal-Mart. Led by Mayor Alan Mansoor—a phrase that inspires Little Bighorn-type confidence—the council voted to have Hensley’s officers trained to check people’s immigration status. The law is directed at the city’s Latinos, who make up a measly 30 percent of the local population. Hensley was concerned that a third of his city would be scared to death of his cops to the point they would not want to report crimes or cooperate in investigations of crimes. Echoing Hensley’s misgivings, Sacramento Police Chief Albert Njera called the plan “chaos in the making,” adding: “There is no way on God’s green earth we can go out there enforcing immigration laws and then say, ‘By the way, call us when someone rapes you or fires a round into your house.’” Hensley seemed resigned to the fact that he was going to have to enforce something he didn’t really believe in, you know, like how George W. Bush feels about the Constitution. Mansoor—the technical term for a male masseuse—and his ilk believe such drastic steps are necessary because illegal immigrants cause such a financial drain on cities. So they want Hensley to train anywhere from 30 to 40 officers, at a cost of about $28,000 per officer, to perform immigration checks on felons, even though the felons are checked once they are transferred to county jail. The best Hensley could muster in favor of the new law was to say it would be worth it “if one person is deported who could prey on our community.” The council agreed and immediately moved to have Alan Mansoor deported … 17 Orange County Sheriff Mike Carona wins an overwhelming endorsement for his re-election from the local Republican Party’s Central Committee, and by overwhelming I mean he gets it by one vote in a re-vote after failing to get it the first time party leaders got together. Many people think Carona could go far in politics, even end up on the national stage, and who can doubt it when you look at his legacy: his chief confidant, George Jaramillo, indicted on various corruption charges. Don Haidl, his chief campaign fund-raiser, resigning his post as a deputy sheriff because of his son’s predilection for home movies and sticking things where they don’t belong. Reserve deputy Raymond K. Yi, Carona’s martial-arts instructor, arrested for flashing a gun and a badge at golfers he thought were playing too slow. Sheriff’s Captain Christine Murray, charged with illegally soliciting campaign contributions for Carona from colleagues. All this, a friendship with a strip-club owner/felon, charges of sexual harassment and some very disturbing pictures of his butt. Huzzah! . . . 20The Garden Grove Strawberry Festival announces the grand marshals for its annual parade. The “celebrity” grand marshal is Jerry Mathers, who played Beaver on the TV show Leave It to Beaver, which was very hot during the Jim Crow era . . . 23 George W. Bush, riding a wave of popular approval approached in the past only by Tojo and venereal warts, comes to Irvine to talk about his great successes in Iraq. You figure Bush comes to Orange County because it’s safe, and there aren’t many safe places anymore for a president with a 32 percent approval rating—John Wilkes Booth had higher numbers; still does in certain areas of Alabama and all of South Carolina . . . 28 Jason Hadley, a 22-year-old from central California, accepts the keys to the Laguna Niguel condo he won in a contest. The developer who gave away the condo called it a “$500,000 Dream Home,” though, at present prices, $500,000 pretty much qualifies as low-income housing in South Orange County. What’s more, the only time I ever heard the words “dream” and “Laguna Niguel” in the same sentence was when someone said, “It’s always been my dream to get out of Laguna Niguel.”
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May
1 Thousands of immigration supporters take to the streets. Really, I can see them from our office’s fifth-story window. There they are marching up Broadway in Santa Ana toward 17th Street: men, women, kids and old folks, most of them wearing white, many waving American flags. But amid their peaceful demonstration is a disturbing question: How will this affect my commute, which requires me to drive up Broadway toward 17th? Another question: What’s the deal with that clunker of an SUV that just pulled up alongside the marchers? It’s got like six, maybe eight helmeted police officers hanging off the side. Maybe they got a tip that some of the moms were going to go all Road Warrior with their baby strollers . . . 3 The Minutemen, those irrepressible funsters who spread sunshine wherever they invade, are in South-Central Los Angeles today, where their message of exclusion, fear and pride in the red, white and blue—though mostly white—really resonates with locals. “The Minutemen is a white, racist . . . group, and they need to get out of my community,” gushes one supporter through a bullhorn. Feeling the love, head Minuteman Jim Gilchrist reciprocates with his own Valentine, telling supporters, “Stand your ground!” And, “Do not fire unless fired upon, and if it’s war he wants, then let it begin here.” Geez, get a room. Turns out, the guy on the bullhorn was not happy about the Minutemen being in South-Central. In fact, it’s his contention the only reason the Minutemen were there was to get a little pub for the nationwide caravan they were embarking on to draw attention to the negative effects of illegal immigration that has left them so devastated they have the time and treasure to go on a nationwide caravan with stops in 12 other cities. Gilchrist says his organization chose to start the road trip in South-Central because “unemployment in the black community is double that of white Americans. They are the most harmed by illegal immigration.” Indeed, the welfare of African Americans has always been of primary importance to Gilchrist, from Aliso Viejo, and his supporters, who hail from such melting pots as Simi Valley and WhiteyMcWhiteville . . . 13 We learn this morning that Huntington Beach can officially call itself “Surf City, USA” because the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office says it can, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office’s time apparently being unencumbered by work that could actually benefit mankind. Huntington Beach has wished to call itself Surf City for quite a while because it figures such a cool name will attract additional tourists who will brag that they got their skin rash and/or respiratory complaint in Surf City, USA, and got crazy laid . . . 18The O.C. ends its season by killing off main character Marissa, who, if you don’t follow the show, is the pretty one with problems. No, the other one. No, the other one . . . 19Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announces the appointment of Kristina Dodge to the Orange County Fair and Exposition Center board of directors. The board sets and approves policies for the fair, which means they mostly come up with new stuff to deep-fry—past efforts include Snickers, Twinkies and anything that falls off the fair’s rides, including riders . . . 24 The U.S. Postal Service, the people who bring you junk you don’t want or need every day, announces the regions in which its mail carriers get bitten by dogs the most. Lo and behold if Orange County isn’t second on the list, trailing only Houston in the number of attacks. In 2005, 94 OC letter carriers were bitten by dogs. Houston had 108 such incidents, a fact many blame on lax Texas leash laws as well as Houston carriers well-borne reputation for succulence . . . 25 Disneyland announces it is giving an 11 percent raise to the actors who dress up as popular Disney characters such as Mickey and Goofy, as well as less popular characters Melan-Collie and Tepid . . . 27 Senior citizens from Leisure World in Seal Beach take to the streets waving signs to protest the war. Unfortunately, the signs they are waving read “Impeach Taft” and “No Blood for Whale Oil” . . . 30 Today marks exactly one year since a landslide in Laguna Beach’s Bluebird Canyon destroyed or damaged 20 homes, causing emotional devastation for many residents whose lives were forever altered, in some cases shaking their faith in the very ground beneath their feet. Happy anniversary!
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June
1 Cases of syphilis in LA and Orange counties are up 40 percent. Makes you think. Makes you think: Whatever happened to that Limp Bizkit dude? . . . 5 The folks at Allergan, who really can’t believe you’re going out looking like that, announce they’ve received approval from the Food and Drug Administration to sell Juvederm, a dermal filler that targets areas along the nose and mouth—spackle for your face. And, eeewww your face! The Irvine-based Allergan has made billions off your disgusting and odorous mugs, Juvederm just being the latest, though by no means the last, product to do so. In the coming months, Allergan expects to get FDA approval for beauty treatments, including an Orange County-inspired treatment that decreases the signs of unsightly avarice, as well as an all-over treatment currently going by the working title of “Sack as Big as Your Head” . . . 7 Having grown the largest set of balls this side of Stalin’s horse, OC Sheriff Mike Carona announces he has put Lieutenant Bill Hunt on administrative leave to investigate whether Hunt violated campaign laws as he campaigned to replace Carona as sheriff, the most egregious charge being that he ran a campaign to replace Carona. People are shocked—SHOCKED!—that Carona would act so recklessly, because he’s never displayed such a wanton disregard for decorum and right behavior before—you know, if you forget the thing where he parties with Mafia associates, and the allegations of sexual misconduct, and the “brother for life” now under indictment, and the doling out of badges and concealed-weapons permits to political cronies and martial-arts instructors who pull their guns on golf courses. Yeah, completely out of the blue . . . 21 It comes to light that somehow the city of Irvine, seeking to enter into one of those cutesy sister-city agreements with Shanghai, China, had instead agreed that no Irvine official would ever visit Taiwan in an official capacity and that the Taiwanese flag would never be displayed in Irvine or the Taiwanese national anthem played at any official event and Irvine would break off relations with its sister city Taoyuan located in—wait for it—Taiwan. Officials may have also agreed to get tattoos of Mao on their butts and allow Chinese officials to refer to the city as Nancyland. How did this happen? Mayor Beth Krom says she has no idea. That on May 30, she signed a simple one-page document formalizing the cities’ relationship of engaging in a series of cultural exchanges that will eventually lead to world domination and the return of Taiwan to the motherland. Usual stuff. Apparently the glitch occurred when city staffer Valerie Larennewas taken into a separate room—this really happened—and made to sign a separate agreement which contained all the Taiwan-free stuff. Now, Irvine officials will attempt to clean up the mess. First on the agenda is the public denouncing of Krom, who will be forced to wear a wooden sign (white field, red lettering) detailing her crimes against the people. The city is then expected to embark on a five-year plan of agrarian reform. After that, Tibet . . . 30 Congratulations to The Orange County Registerand Lori Froelich of Ladera Ranch for succinctly summing up the American view of illegal immigration, which is, basically, we want them here to do our stuff, we just don’t want them to want to be here or to have any kind of life of their own. I mean, what are these people, animals? Froelich is quoted in a Thursday Register story about area hospitals getting federal funds to treat illegal immigrants. Froelich complains that she got no help paying her medical bills after a pregnancy years ago, saying, “Here I am, making $100-a-month payments and I’m fully insured, and my illegal nanny has her baby totally for free.” America, thy name is Froelich. It’s just the kind of thing you’d expect from the Register, which also ran a story about Mexico’s own Draconian immigration laws—a very popular theme in the American press, speaking as it does to a certain segment of outraged Americans. Outraged Americans like “Cassie,” who, having reflected on the story, responded on the Register-owned SqueezeOC.com website, “i fuckin hate beaners i wish they would either go bak to their fuckin country or just burn inn helllll!!!!!!!!” And then there was the enigmatically dubbed “Beaner hater” who, surprisingly, thoughtfully observed, “The only good beaner is a dead beaner! Period . . . end of story, no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it.”
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July
10 In a lovely story that proves it’s all about the kids, The Orange County Register reports today that the Capistrano Unified School District kept lists of 150 families who supported a recall campaign of school-board members. In actions described by one parent as “Nixonish,” the district kept spreadsheets on the families with various information including where their children went to school and if they had any previous contact with G. Gordon Liddy. In January, district officials persuaded someone at the Registrar of Voters office in Santa Ana to turn over the recall petitions, which just goes to prove that the folks at the Registrar of Voters may not be able to count very fast or very well, but that doesn’t prevent them from being total idiots. “They shouldn’t have done that,” said county Registrar Neal Kelley. But they did. Assistant Superintendent Susan McGill and former district spokesman David Smollar were taken to a back room, where they were shown the petitions and Smollar wrote down some names. Smollar then took the names to district Superintendent James Fleming. Fleming said he “felt very uncomfortable” looking at the names and that he “couldn’t give them back to [Smollar] fast enough.” Smollar agrees with everything Fleming says—said Fleming was so uncomfortable with the list of names that he smiled when he got them and was so eager to give them back that he put them in a “discuss with trustees” box. Fleming denies Smollar’s story and has labeled him—all together now—a disgruntled employee. Meanwhile, the news has freaked out teachers who signed the petition and now fear reprisals. Parents who signed the petition fear their children may be targeted for retaliation or, worse, shop class . . . 13Gustavo Arellano arrives in the office hefting the August edition of Playboy magazine, and if his mother or girlfriend or the nuns who taught him are reading this, he didn’t really come into the office holding a Playboy.Nor was it indexed with pink Post-it notes. Anyway, Gustavo comes in with the Playboy and one of the Post-its marks a pictorial titled “Real Girls of the OC.” And they are “real” in the same way that Lara Croft, King Kong and Liza Minnelli are real; shown doing those things that women from Orange County do every day: naked sunbathing, naked surfing, naked kickboxing, and naked leaning against the Sub-Zero fridge thrusting pelvis in air, most likely thinking about after-school snacks. Yes, Playboy certainly nailed OC, and if the pictures weren’t proof enough, here’s the little bit of Alexis de Tocqueville that accompanied them: “When they’re away from the beach, local hotties nest whenever possible in outsize pool houses. They break up the day with trips to the personal trainer and the spa, and with sips of skinny soy lattes at a Starbucks with outdoor seating.” Ah, yes, the decadence that is outdoor seating. But this brings up a bigger point. How cute is Playboy? They’re still producing lame-ass copy that sounds like it was written by the boys in publicity at Metro to accompany their comparably mild pictures at a time when anybody with a computer is receiving a steady stream of farm-sex e-mails. Adorable! . . . 19 So hot. Alternately sweating and chafing. Anyone have a crotch lozenge? . . . 24Maybe it’s the flames of Hell nipping at our heels, but it’s a heck of a day for confessions in Orange County courtrooms. Let’s see, Nick Jesson, who ran for governor in 2002, pleads guilty to three felony counts of filing false state tax returns. This fits nicely with his plea of guilty to federal tax evasion in April. Jesson broke the law, but he’s no criminal mastermind. Evidence: when he stopped withholding taxes for the employees of his electronics company, which has since gone belly up, he announced it in an ad in USA Today. Tamara Anne Moonier is in the news, too. She’s the woman who told authorities that six men kidnapped and raped her, and then provided police with videotape that not only showed that the sex was consensual, but that Moonier orchestrated much of it. Under a plea agreement, Moonier will spend no more than 12 months in jail for lying about the assault and accepting $1,850 in state funds for crime victims. Anyone who’s read R. Scott Moxley’s account of that ghastly encounter knows she was no victim. As the videotape shows, she’s rather cruel, telling one guy, “You’re fucking pathetic. You can’t get it up.” Which presents us with a seamless segue to our final admission of the day, which comes from Maximizer Health Products, who have agreed to pay the Orange County district attorney’s office $300,000 in civil penalties for false advertising and unfair business practices. Maximizer makes ExtenZe, a pill Maximizer claimed would cause a user’s penis to grow 27 percent thereby not only making him more popular with sex partners, but also allowing him to use the thing as a carjack. “Flat tire? Why walk all the way back to the trunk when everything we need is right here? [Sound of zipper.] By the way, after I’m done, I’m going to need a crotch lozenge.”
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August
2 I wasn’t intending to talk about this whole sorry Mel Gibson affair, since I figured the wall-to-wall coverage offered by E!, MSNBC, CNN, Frontline, Dissent and Cat Fancy magazine would suffice. But I simply cannot ignore the maker of The Passion of the Christ’s comment that “Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” It was a stupid, irresponsible thing to say. Modern scholarship has proved that the party responsible for all the wars in the world is Russell Boxrud of 23902 Ave. de Sol, Aliso Viejo. Contacted by the Weekly, Mr. Boxrud says he considered challenging the experts until he was shown historical documents, phone records and several pictures of him hacking at people. Boxrud says he didn’t set out to be responsible for all the wars; it “just kinda happened, you know, like meeting a special lady. Who can plan these things?” . . . 16 Orange County Superior Court Judge Pamela L. Iles is “rebuked” and “admonished”—maddeningly, the story in The Orange County Register doesn’t specify in what order—by a state commission for violating the rights of some lawyerless defendant in a domestic-violence case a few years ago. Apparently, the guy didn’t want to obey Iles’ order to pay $1,000 to a women’s shelter, so she threw him in jail for a month. This ruthless exercise of power sounds perfectly awful, in a fascinatingly Tower-of-London kind of way . . . yeah, the throwing in jail, sure, but even more the rebuking and the admonishing. Do they still do that? Personally, we would have forgone the rebuke—a single buke, vigorously effected, is usually sufficient—and instead substituted a good dressing-down, followed immediately by a robust upbraiding, whilst periodically knocking the judge down a peg or two with merciless tongue-lashings. The admonishing? We’re cool with that . . . 18 New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin again drags Orange County into his argument that racism was at the root of the federal government’s slow response to Hurricane Katrina. Speaking to the National Association of Black Journalists, Nagin proclaims, “I, to this day, believe if [the hurricane] happened in Orange County, California, or South Beach, Florida, [the slow federal response] wouldn’t have happened.” Nagin may have a point, but his argument is contradicted by the fact that Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County just started its third season and the federal government has yet to lift a finger . . . 23 Finally get a look at the OC Post, the new daily tabloid “newspaper” from The Orange County Register. No Post story is longer than a few paragraphs, the Register having concluded (via focus groups) that OC residents are too busy to read the Register’s eight-inch, color-coded examinations of Orange County (“Experts Agree: Everything Great!”). The Post makes clear its mission with its motto: “News Cut to Fit Your Life.” So, basically, the Register is saying that the Post is for people whose lives are brimming with family, friends and activity, while the Register is for losers and angry loners—basically, folks who write to the Register’s letters page. . . 26 Watch the new season of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County, which comes with a twist: it’s about good-looking teenagers talking about stuff. Someone tells me it’s a whole new cast of idiots, but it’s hard for me to distinguish this Algonquin Round Table from the previous Mensai . . . 28 Now here’s a story from today’s Register: “DANA POINT—A naked man asking for Jesus broke into a home here early Sunday and was quickly subdued by a baseball-bat-wielding resident.” Yes! Police say they suspect the man was using narcotics. Really? What was their first clue? The fact that he was naked? Or looking for Jesus? Or that he would go looking for Jesus in Dana Point? … 30 The papers are full of pictures of outraged Orange County citizens protesting in Huntington Beach. The raised voices, signs (“She was somebody’s baby”) and faux bloody T-shirts reference Ashley MacDonald, a 19-year-old shot and killed by two Huntington Beach police officers the previous Friday. The officers say the 5-foot-4, 120-pound MacDonald lunged at them with a bloody knife in the early morning at Sun View Park; they say MacDonald had used the knife to slash her mother while the two were having an argument earlier in the morning. At the protest, neighborhood resident Tony Hernandez sums up the prevailing feeling: “Why are there Tasers and pepper spray if they are not even going to use them? Shooting her should have been the absolutely, absolute last resort.” The Times and Reggie report that the responding officers had requested non-lethal backup, but the shooting occurred while a third officer was loading a pepper ball launcher, which sounds more like something related to muskets and Minutemen (the good kind) than an efficient, 21st-century police force . . . 31 Local papers are asking and saying some hard things about the MacDonald shooting. A Reggie editorial says the Huntington Beach officers “overreacted.” The Times’ Dana Parsons says his gut tells him this was a “death that didn’t need to happen.” Both make it clear they understand how tough a job the police have. Parsons says something we’re used to hearing from police and their defenders: we have no right to criticize police, that it doesn’t “carry much weight to sit on the sidelines and say how you would have handled the situation.” It’s a stupid argument, because we know how we would have reacted: we would have shot Ashley MacDonald. Which is why we’re not cops. I make no bones about it: if I were a cop I’d never holster my weapon, and I’m talking ever—traffic stops, court appearances, photo ops with McGruff—because I haven’t been trained (at taxpayers’ expense) to deal with highly stressful situations. We allow the police to carry guns not because they are experts at using guns, but because they are experts at not using guns.
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September
2 Thirty-five very pissed-off chickens come home to roost at Rep. Dana Rohrabacher’s Huntington Beach home. The protesters, from a group called Military Families Speak Out, put a giant mock check for an “endless war” on Rohrabacher’s doorstep and then place combat boots on the grass, each with the name tag of a soldier killed in Iraq. The activists, three of whom have sons serving in Iraq, begin to chant, “Bring them home! Now!” That’s when Rohrabacher comes running barefoot out of his house, screaming, “You just woke my babies!” To which Tim Kahlor, whose son is on his second tour of duty in Iraq, says, “My son is in Iraq! And he does not get much sleep!” To which Rohrabacher hisses, “Did he volunteer?” Though Rohrabacher avoids following that with “Suck on that!” he might as well have for all the compassion his statement communicates. As Rohrabacher shows this rabble, personal toughness is what counts in the War on Terror. He said as much last June after courageously voting yes on House Resolution 861, which declared, “The United States will prevail in the Global War on Terror.” (He later voted affirmatively on House Resolution 862, which declared, “This is going to be the best summer ever!”) . . . 11 At the gym this morning, several TVs are tuned to 9/11 memorial services, including the reading of names of the dead at Ground Zero. Two women happen by, glance up, and one says to the other, “Why are they doing that?” “Oh, 9/11.” “Oh, right. When is that?” . . . 13 Singer Whitney Houston files for divorce from “singer” Bobby Brown, in Orange County Superior Court. Court papers reveal she now resides in Laguna Hills and has since April. This will no doubt spark an interest in Laguna Hills, and so for those of you who’ve happened on this site after interwebbing “Laguna Hills” on your computationmebob, here’s some city info. In 1874, Lewis Moulton purchased Rancho Niguel from Don Juan Avila. Moulton used the ranch to raise sheep and then, after an incident he said was the result of “having the sun in my eyes,” abruptly switched to cattle. The city was incorporated in 1991 under the new city motto: “No, we’re not that Laguna. We’re nowhere near that Laguna. Just get that Laguna completely out of your heads.” In November 1995, the City Council approved annexation of the North Laguna Hills area, launching a bloody, 10-month incursion that was eventually successful. Today, Laguna Hills is a happy community, save for the occasional guerrilla attack and soul-crushing tedium. In 2000, emboldened by their North Laguna Hills success, the city launched a Westside offensive that netted Laguna Hills another 149 acres, including Sheep Hills Park, a popular destination for lovers, though sunglasses are strongly advised … 15 I attend the opening of Segerstrom Hall in Costa Mesa and see a whole lot of rich people, many of whom are old and desperately trying to deny their oldness using methods pioneered by the ancient Egyptians that leave their faces taut and shiny, with all the warmth and humanity of a kitchen counter . . . 19 People ask me all the time what it’s like to work at the Weekly. They’re fascinated with the inner workings of the paper and how we arrive at the decisions that determine our news, arts and music coverage. Perhaps nothing shows the sheer intellectual rigor necessary in such an effort as this recent company-wide e-mail sent out by arts editor Theo Douglas. It begins, “I have misplaced my pants . . .” I will say no more except that Theo abruptly switched to raising cattle . . . 20 Orange County sheriff’s deputies discover a marijuana farm near O’Neill Regional Park in Mission Viejo and harvest about 20,000 plants with a street value of $12.5 million, though that does come with a complimentary Phish CD. The bust is a shock in this bedroom community, where the city motto is “You don’t have to be high to live here but, um, what?”
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October
18 Republican candidate for Congress Tan Nguyen is under investigation by the state attorney general’s office for a letter sent out to Latinos apparently designed to intimidate them from going to the polls. “You are advised that if your residence in this country is illegal or you are an immigrant, voting in a federal election is a crime that could result in jail time,” the letter read in part. The letters sparked outrage, especially among Republican leaders who say they are shocked that anyone would try to intimidate Latinos with a letter since they prefer the old school approach—bricks and mortar, about 700 miles of them, actually. These same Republicans, led by local Republican Party chair Scott Baugh, make it clear that they are not trying to deny immigrants the right to vote, just their access to health care and education. No, Republicans would never try to keep Latinos from voting. Well, yes, they did do precisely that in 1988 when they hired uniformed security guards and posted them at local polling places in heavily Latino precincts, the guards holding signs warning non-citizens not to vote. The action was so threatening, so taste-o-Mississippi, that Santa Ana councilman John Acosta, a Republican himself, said it “border[ed] on Nazism.” The guards were used for the benefit of GOP Assembly candidate Curt Pringle and, as Acosta predicted, generated such outrage that Pringle was not only elected to the Assembly but became its speaker while serving with his friend—hello!—Baugh. Yeah, but Republicans certainly learned their lesson after ’88, except that after then-incumbent Bob Dornan lost to Loretta Sanchez—Tan’s opponent in this election—Dornan claimed there was widespread voter fraud on the part of illegal aliens and Sanchez had used illegals—not just used them but actually rented buses to haul them around the county—to tilt the election her way. No one else, except the Los Angeles Times, the state attorney general, the U.S. Congress and the local Republican Party, took up Dornan’s charge. Those charges were never proven, mostly because they weren’t true, but Dornan used them to successfully launch his present career as a guy nobody wants to hear from. But, c’mon, so they do a little intimidating. So what? It’s not like they lie to people who think they’re registering as Democrats when they’re actually being signed up as Republicans. No, that’s Riverside. Okay, and here . . . 20 State Department of Justice police raid Tan Nguyen’s offices, looking for any evidence that will reveal the mastermind behind the intimidating letter—computer disks, notes, 1,001 Latino Putdowns. Just about every Republican leader in the state—Scott Baugh, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Cal Worthington—is calling for Tan, who admitted yesterday that the offending letter came from his office, to pull out of the race. In fact, the party line seems to be that Tan was in fact a Democrat most of his life and, though he converted to the one true party, he was not well-liked. You can see as much in photos of Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert bear-hugging Tan. The calls for Tan’s withdrawal should have come long ago because, (a) he had no chance of beating Loretta Sanchez, because (b) no one has a chance of beating Loretta Sanchez, because, (c) I am convinced, Loretta Sanchez lives under the protection of some otherworldly force. I know not whether that force be God or Satan or Oprah, but it’s clear that an entity familiar with controlling time, space and the doling out of new cars has been looking out for Sanchez ever since her surprise victory over Dornan in 1996. Since then, Sanchez has not only been bulletproof—she survived her own idea of having a fundraiser at the Playboy mansion—but virtually unbeatable. Dornan, deemed unbeatable in his time, twice tried and failed. Since then, the Republicans have gone after her with Latino women candidates and lost, gone after her with young good-looking guys and lost and now went after her with a Vietnamese immigrant and lost. The bodies are pretty much stacking up like cordwood. Seriously, the chick is Shaft . . . 21Who sends letters? . . . 24 The Los Angeles Times reports that Tan Nguyen personally bought the mailing list for the intimidation letter. Nguyen has shifted from having no knowledge of the letter to saying that all of his problems stem from the media incorrectly translating the Spanish word for immigrant. Uh huh. What’s the Spanish word for toast? Scott Baugh once again calls on Tan to quit the race, and you’d frankly have to be an idiot to think that Baugh’s anger has anything to do with this crime. Still, Baugh’s staged outrage shows how Republicans have wised up: the Latino voting bloc is too big and too powerful to be intimidated anymore. Like the rest of us, they’ve finally gained the respect to be lied to, empty-promised to and made to feel so disgusted with the system they stay away from the polls in droves, just the way our Founding Fathers intended . . . 25 Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez is stopped in Boise, and not for the usual reason that someone named Sanchez would be stopped in Boise—i.e., their name is Sanchez . . . oh, wait, yes, it is. The Orange County Register’s Peggy Lowe reports on the paper’s blog that Sanchez was stopped because her name appeared on a terror watch list. She was informed that before she could board her flight, she’d have to be cleared; maybe the people checking her out called Sanchez’s work colleagues on the House Subcommittee on Homeland Security, on which Sanchez is the ranking Democrat. Sanchez was in Boise campaigning for other congressional Democrats since she really doesn’t feel the need to be running at home, where “opponent” Tan Nguyen has been her most effective campaigner.
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November
15 Proponents of the Foothill South toll road have long argued that the thoroughfare’s destruction of San Onofre State Beach would be well worth it because it would ease congestion on the Santa Ana Freeway (5), thereby providing people easier access to AYSO soccer games and Costcos for purchase of flats of Fruit Roll-Ups to utilize as post-AYSO snacks. And today, the Orange County Transportation Authority releases a study that totally supports toll road supporters. The study, titled “We Are So Screwed: Seriously, Royally Screwed” says that if the toll road is built, traffic will be alleviated on the Santa Ana Freeway to the point of being “severely congested” by the year 2030, which would be about the year the toll road would open, what with the expected work delays, cost overruns, mob extortion and unearthing of dinosaur/Native American/guy who wouldn’t pay the mob bones. James Birkelund, an attorney for the Natural Resources Defense Council, asks, “Why are we building a project with a stated purpose that won’t be achieved, at the expense of our parkland?” I dunno, pal, why does Radio Shack ask for your ZIP code when you buy batteries? Lisa Telles, a tollway spokeswoman, waylaid all fears by assuring motorists, “We know there’s going to be more traffic on the 5 freeway in the future.” I’m placated . . . 18 Wonder what ever happened to that Michael Richards guy? He seemed nice . . . 20 Democrat Lou Correa’s lead over Republican Lynn Daucher has grown to 783 in their race for the 34th state Senate district seat. Daucher had this seat all but sewn up, at least that’s what she and Republicans told everyone. On election night, flush with the kind of confidence that comes with a 13 vote lead in the race, Scott Baugh, head of the Orange County Republican Party, said, “The Democrats believe they own central Orange County, and they believe they own the ethnic voting bloc there. We know we will never concede that ground.” Daucher was more direct, declaring that her campaign “showed how to win Mexican and Vietnamese votes. . . . Bye-bye Loretta,” that last bit intimating that she would go on to defeat Republican-killing Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez. Uh, Lynn, some advice. Before you start calling out a six-time Congresswoman, first make sure you can beat Otto Bade. It’s Bade that Daucher and Republicans say really beat her. He’s a conservative Republican candidate who they claim was propped up to siphon votes away from Daucher. As it stands, Bade—who, admit it, you’re picturing right now in a Kaiser helmet—has 899 votes. Of course, Republicans have no one but themselves to blame since they pretty much pioneered this back in 1996 when in a race for a 1996 state Assembly seat they siphoned off votes from Democrat Linda Moulton-Patterson with decoy Democratic candidate Laurie Campbell. The beneficiary of that ruse? Scott Baugh . . 23 Sixteen people—five adults and 11 juveniles—are arrested for breaking into the Black Gold Golf Course in Yorba Linda and ransacking the place. Police say the bunch caused more than $250,000 of damage, including smashing up a garage, violating putting greens (don’t ask) and overturning carts as well as dumping one of the carts into a lake. The five adults are identified as Michael Rodriguez of La Mirada, Jesse James of Walnut, Chaz Diesel of La Mirada, Ryan Calhoun of La Mirada and Mario Toscano of La Mirada. Police are still trying to determine a motive for the crime, though they are presently working under the assumption that people in La Mirada really don’t like golf. But one thing is certain: Chaz Diesel is the coolest name ever. The only way you could have a more kickass name than Chaz Diesel is if your name was Joe Kickass. (Or Jim Kickass. Pretty much any name ending with Kickass . . . except Chauncey . . . though Chauncey Kickass figures to be a bit of rough trade in the cloakroom at St. Albans.) And how cool is it that Chaz Diesel hangs out with Jesse James? What did these guys do, buy an institutional-sized box of bitchen at Costco? Now, admittedly, allegedly tearing up a golf course is far below a Chaz Diesel. A Chaz Diesel should allegedly be messing with an uptight college dean of discipline in his allegedly cherry-red muscle car, allegedly breaking all the rules while allegedly winning the big ski race. Oh yeah, that’s how a Chaz Diesel rolls. Allegedly . . . 24 Saw MacHomer at the Irvine Barclay Theatre. It was an amazing show, with writre/performre Rick Miller going nonstop for an hour and 15 minutes in a scaled-down, amped-up version of Macbeth while employing the voices of more than 30 characters from The Simpsons. An impressive performance, though only the second-best performance I witnessed that night in that theatre. That distinction belonged to the young man in front of me who attempted to impress his date by telling her he and his “team” were up for a Nobel Prize for video game graphics. He said this to the woman and she did not reply with, “Uh, did I mention I didn’t attend public school?” but gazed back and uttered, “Oh, cool.” Yes, it is cool. Really cool. I don’t know if you know this, but Wednesday marked the 147th anniversary of the publication of Darwin’s The Origin of Species, the book that put forward the idea that an organism’s ability to survive depends on its ability to adapt. And here we have Man, whose instinct to get laid, to propagate the species but mostly to get laid, is so strong that he manages to overcome the fact that his name is not Chaz Diesel.
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December
1The Orange County Register lays off about 10 percent of its work staff, giving 40 workers a “voluntary severance plan”—“voluntary severance” being a term coined during the French revolution. Now, coincidentally—or is it?—this is the also the last day the Long Beach Press-Telegram is giving tours of its magnificent old brick building—ink stained into the walls, presses on the first floor—which the paper is vacating to relocate in a nondescript office building, which reflects the current state of that once great paper. The P-T’s demise was speeded when it was purchased by newspaper baron William Dean Singleton, who is to American journalism what buzzards are to the Great Circle of Life. The paper has been gutted to the point of insignificance—“gutted to the point of insignificance” being a term coined by the Tribune Company. (Now, don’t think for a moment that because these other newspaper companies are experiencing hard times that the industry is sick as a whole. We, for one, are making money hand over fist, owing mainly to our ancillary revenue streams from Indian subsidiaries that hold those fists over the hands of wee child laborers.) Folks at the Register may be thanking their lucky stars that a bid by Singleton to buy their paper was rebuffed a few years back. Then again, maybe they shouldn’t be too thankful. When that deal failed, Singleton told The New York Times that he considered the Register a “deferred sale,” explaining: “They’ll clean these properties up, cut a lot of cost, and put them on the market again in three to five years. When they do, I suspect we’ll be there.” He said that three years ago . . . 2 An amazing and shocking story runs in what’s left of the Register. It’s about Huntington Beach Police Chief Kenneth “Biggie” Small admitting that, well, yes, in fact, his officers do plant unloaded guns as well as drugs and drug paraphernalia in suspects’ vehicles, explaining they do so merely as a training exercise, you know, like the Sudetenland. Now, what is amazing and shocking about this story is not that Huntington Beach cops are doing something unconstitutional, cruel and perverse—“Unconstitutional, Cruel and Perverse” is, after all, the city motto; two HB cops are under investigation for shooting and killing an 18-year-old girl and tales of police hostility in the city are as common as HB council members taking the Fifth when under cross examination by federal prosecutors. No, what is amazing and shocking is that nowhere in the Register story is it mentioned that this story was first reported in the Weekly A MONTH AGO. Go ahead, look it up. Go to the search engine on our website and type in “Training Day” and “R. Scott Moxley.” I’m not saying the Register couldn’t write the story or build upon the one Scott wrote A MONTH AGO, all I’m saying is give a brother a shout out. It’s just good manners. By the way, in Scott’s story, you know, the one that ran A MONTH AGO, Loyola Law School professor Stan Goldman called the training-exercise excuse “ridiculous, crazy, nuts,” and the actions of “reckless cowboy cops with too much chutzpah,” the latter statement always serving to pop the name John Waynestein into my brain . . . 5 Today’s Register reports that Huntington Beach police will stop the practice of planting guns and such in unsuspecting civilians’ cars. The paper takes credit for the change, saying that Chief Small said “we just think it’s not worth continuing.” Now was he talking about planting guns or the Register? . . . 13 Celebrity website TMZ.com reports that actress/video vixen/shoe weaponry expert Tawny Kitaen, arrested for possession of 15 grams of cocaine, struck a deal with Orange County prosecutors today that allows her to avoid prison if she completes a drug treatment program. (TMZ also reports that “Mary Kate Loves Her Witch Shoes” and “Janice [Dickinson] Puts the Ho in Holidays” and we are the richer for it . . . wait.) Kitaen, who was arrested in her San Juan Capistrano apartment with her two daughters present, has struggled with addiction so getting some help is good news for her and her family, but one has to feel for the young up-and-coming soon-to-be-forgotten-and-living-in-a-San-Juan-Capistrano-apartment vixens—your Lindsay Lohans, Tara Reids, Britney Spears and Colin Farrells—who’ve lost a role model. Fear not, self-entitled train wrecks, George Michael lives! . . .
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SL*****@OC******.COM
