Doug Stanhope Wants You Dead

A no doubt suited up Doug Stanhope is coming straight outta Bisbee to take Southern Cali by storm for three nights. So if you don’t like fearless, non-PC, thought provoking comedy, you might as well keep your boring ass at home. Never failing to bring the funny, this time around, Doug will be carting even more funny from place to place by bringing his friends to grace the stage along with him. Recently, we got random af with Doug and in return, he nailed it to the wall while putting nails in coffins.

OC Weekly: (Ali Lerman) I was super grateful you documented [your girlfriend] Bingo’s hospital progress and I don’t care how many times you’ve been asked because I’m going there anyway. How is she now?

Doug Stanhope: Yeah, documenting it was kinda necessary and we turned it into funny on a regular basis. Bingo is doing very well now.

Fantastic. OK. Let’s get random. What’s your opinion on people who take a maddening amount of selfies?

Well, people are still calling “hey can I get a picture with you after the show” a selfie and that’s not a selfie if I’m in it. So if that’s the case, and people are taking pictures with me after the show, I hate it. It’s one of the worst parts of the business.

What do you think it should be called if you’re included in their selfie?

I don’t know but I just generally don’t like words that end in “ie.” I don’t know another word to describe it other than, gay. And I know according to Todd Glass, who I know and love, it’s really offensive to refer to something as gay but, I just don’t have a better word.

I think faggy would be worse, especially if it was spelled with an “ie” at the end of it.

[Laughs.] Well see, that’d be an “ie” word that I’m not against. I wouldn’t say faggy is gay but only because it’s spelled with a “y” and not an “ie.”

Glad we cleared that up. Do you have any pet peeves?

Wind and balloons. I have an irrational fear of balloons so I guess that’s not a peeve but, wind makes me crazy, violent, and anxiety riddled. A very close second is mouth sounds. Mouth sounds like people who chew with their mouth open. That’s why I hate NPR. NPR sounds like it’s always being recorded inside someone’s sloppy mouth. It’s like, I know you’re nervous being on air but take a fucking drink of water.

Gross. OK, if you could kill someone and get away with it like you did with your mom, who would it be?

[Laughs.] Well when you say like my mom, you make it seem like it wasn’t in a loving fashion. [Laughs.] Would you believe me if I told you I had a list in front of me?

For some reason, I do believe you. Have at it.

I’ll go in order. Pitbull, Russell Brand, the cast of Workaholics, Adam Schefter, anyone who has ever tweeted the expression “meh,” I don’t know if this is still around but anyone who has a “you mad bro?” sticker on the back of their truck, guys in porn that talk…

Wait. Is that list for just in case someone walks in and you’re like, I’m really sorry but you’re on the list and I have to kill you?

[Laughs.] I was trying to come up with a triad for a bit because you know, comedy comes in threes. I was thinking of people who everyone would agree that no one would be sad if they died at the hands of a serial killer.

That’s Al Sharpton for me. I don’t know how to dance a jig but I want to learn so I can get my jig on when he dies.

Oh that’s a good one. I’m writing it down! I agree. Who else?

Against popular opinion, I’m going with Magic Johnson. I feel like he’s a lying opportunist.

Oh god that’s a good one! It’s like Trump. Obviously people would be mad if Trump was dead and I’m just trying to go deeper than like, Nancy Grace or the Kardashians. That’s too obvious. Kobe would be my basketball one.

Blech. His face looks like a goat which makes me sad for goats.

Remember that season where he tried to have like, “a face?”

Yeah, that under bite bullshit?

[Laughs.] Yeah. It’s like he had PR people having him work on it. Like he sat in a mirror working on it going, this is going to be my face. [Laughs.] Oh fuck! I hate basketball players that leave their mouth piece out too like Steph Curry! They have it hanging out of their mouth like a pacifier at a rave. Oh god I fucking hate that. It’s absolutely vulgar. I want to slap it out of their mouth like my mother would if I chewed with my mouth open.

I’d pay top dollar to watch a special called, “Stanhope Slaps Basketball Players in Their Stupid Faces.” OK off of bad and onto good. What is the most grown-up thing you’ve done to date?

I guess my mother would have to be in there somewhere. I don’t know if that’s grown-up though. [Laughs.] Probably the Bingo thing too where I had to put on my big boy pants and spend a month in the hospital. I guess wiping Bingo’s ass while she was in a coma shitting herself was pretty grown-up. [Laughs.]

Ha! You win the grown-up contest on that one. I guess this goes along the lines of people you want to die but, is there anyone you never want to meet?

Not in the “don’t meet your hero’s” type of way but in the “they must be an incredible douche bag” type of way…it’s funny because I have a list right here. [Laughs.] Lance Armstrong. He was just on Stern talking about how everyone hates him now not because of the cheating, because of the lying. Stern asked him if people actually get in his face and give him shit and he was like, no, but on the internet they do. I know he’s chums now with Bill Burr and I was thinking, if he ever walked into my show, I’d probably have to give him shit from the stage just because he said no one has ever said anything to his face and only said it on-line. I never want to meet Dax Shepard and want to beat his head in simply based on his looks. Also, Jamie Kennedy. He did that whole Heckler movie where he went and found people who gave him bad reviews and was like, who are you to judge? And then he’s defending that Malibu’s Most Wanted movie? He’s fucking awful! He’s one of those guys like Seth Green where their face makes me hate them.

I met Seth Green once and he’s the same size as me and I’m 5’2”. It’s like, you’re a man. Grow! Switching gears, do you have any hidden talents that we don’t know about and one day you’re gonna be like, BAM! I make balloon animals!

[Laughs.] Oh god no! If I had a talent I’d break it out first thing. If I could do magic I’d be that irritating guy at the bar.

I fucking hate magicians. I don’t know what it is but they’re 100% the worst.

Criss Angel. He goes on the list. You gotta call me more often. I gotta put this set together! I haven’t been on stage since October and my first show was filming my special for Seeso. I haven’t been on stage since Trump was a fucking joke that wasn’t going to get elected. I’m only hosting these upcoming shows thank god. I’m just going to do a lot of riffing.

Please. You could probably walk out on stage, projectile vomit, and people would be like, BRAVO!!

[Laughs.] On this tour it’s Stanhope and friends so it’ll be Morgan Murphy, Brendan Walsh, Glenn Wool, and Brett Erickson. I’m still building up a tour so I’ll still do an hour but I’ll do twenty, bring up a comic, do another twenty, bring up a comic, and do like fifteen or twenty at the end. That’s what I’m imagining at least until I get more solid shit. That’ll be more comfortable.

Get your tickets NOW to see Doug Stanhope along with his pals at the Ontario Improv March 19th, the Irvine Improv March 20th, and Levity Live in Oxnard on March 21st. You can get all your Doug needs by going to www.DougStanhope.com, give a listen to The Doug Stanhope Podcast, and watch his new special “No Place Like Home” on Seeso.com.