The year's not over yet, but the funniest thread EVER can be found right now at Democratic Underground. But first we gotta back up–AND BEND OVER, MAGGOT! It seems there is this Internet company run out of a couple's garage in that enlightened burg of Bakersfield, known previously as the place where Mick picked up gospel music on the colored radio station, that sells a little something called a chastening instrument. According to Child Training Resources, their chastening instrument fulfills “the purpose and function of the Biblical rod, yet [is] designed with today's parents in mind,” and is “perfectly suited for the loving correction of your children.” Of course, there's a disclaimer: “Though each instrument includes instructions for proper use, we highly recommend parents train themselves by reading and discussing Biblically-based parenting books together. Child Training Resources stands firmly against any and all child abuse and is not responsible for misuse of this product.” Hell, how can you misuse this product? It is guaranteed to be:
“Flexible – produces the right amount of sting without injury!”
'Cause you know how numb your hand gets after you beat the crap outta your little shits? The chastening rod allows you to redden their butts with one pain-free hand while holding the Scripture in the other!
“Unbreakable – will last a lifetime!”
Rest assured that you can keep cranking out tax deductions and the rod will be there even when you're too old to, um, get it up.
“Convenient – fits easily into purse or travel bag!”
Or holster.
“Affordable – buy one for kitchen, bedroom, car – wherever!”
The confessional!
This is too fucking rich. Is someone hoaxing us? So-called anti-spanking advocates apparently don't think so. They've launched a nationwide campaign to flood the Bakersfield mayor's office and local banks and businesses associated with Child Training Resources with angry letters about the rod. That kicked up this Associated Press story, which got picked up by Democratic Underground and started the above-referenced thread, which evolved–or devolved, depending on your point of view–to an equal mix of condemnation forChild Training Resources and the parents of Bill O'Reilly, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush . . . for obviously not using such rods on them as youngsters to spare the world the world of hurt it is in now.
OC Weekly Editor-in-Chief Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the alternative newsweekly’s first calendar editor.