You don't know how hard it is for me to keep a straight face as I write this because, c'mon, I'm sure you're also chortling at the very idea of buying your loved ones (or even your not-so-loved-ones) gifts from the 99-Cent-Only Store.
I could justify such a list as you're about to read with the usual spiel about the economy, yadda, yadda, but I won't.
Here's a more compelling argument: Most of the products that I feature here are actually being sold elsewhere for significantly more than 99 cents.
Are you still laughing?
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6. Iron Chef America Kitchen Wipes
You may not be able to cook like an Iron Chef, but you can
clean like one (or at least like one of their low-paid assistants)? There
are three kinds: an all-purpose wipe, one for granite counter tops, and
one for stainless-steel surfaces. The price for each 24-pack of wipes?
You guessed it: 99 cents.
5. Dyno Bowl
Is the product of your loins a clumsy toddler? Here's a bowl that grips
onto the table top via bottom-mounted suction cups that will withstand
the abuse of your fussy eater. Amazon.com has this very model for $5.50.
4. Salad Container
It has got a fork! It has a separate (and detachable) dressing compartment! And all of it
is inset in a handsome lidded bowl that's available in three colors
(red, green and blue). Amazon.com charges $9.99 for it, and it just goes up from there.
3. Adjustable Measuring Spoon
A great idea and a space saver if you've ever wrestled with the usual
keychain-like wad of measuring spoons — and an even better one when you
can get it for 99 cents. Amazon.com sells a similar model for $11.54.
2. Thermal Bag
The insulative properties of an Igloo without the bulk! This
ample-spaced bag can keep a six-pack of beer cool or large box of pizza
warm. Amazon retails these suckers (which also describes those who'd pay that price) at $12.99.
1. Clever Cracker
Probably the silliest kitchen gadget of all time, the Clever Cracker can
be yours for 99 cents. But wait, there's more! (This part should be
spoken in the best infomercial intonation you can muster.) Included free
is the Clever Scrambler! All for the unbelieveable price of NOT the $4.25 that Amazon charges! My sympathies if you paid more for this when it was originally sold on TV.
For the closest 99-Cent-Only Store to you, visit 99only.com.
Before becoming an award-winning restaurant critic for OC Weekly in 2007, Edwin Goei went by the alias “elmomonster” on his blog Monster Munching, in which he once wrote a whole review in haiku.