Jason Collings Is Not a Fan Of Your Food Porn

[Editor's Note: Quick Questions is our semi-regular feature where we ask comedians a ton of random questions without giving them time to think of anything funny to say. Surprisingly, they still do.]

It seems like everyone is in a rush these days and when it comes to having an actual conversation, many of us choose to make it a quickie. OK, that may have come out all wrong but you get what we're saying. What won't be coming out wrong is the masterfully crafted words in joke form that will be flowing from Jason Collings mouth on May 13th when he hits the stage at Gaslamp in Long Beach. Before you head out to his show this Wednesday, we wanted to get you familiar with the man behind the humor so we blasted his dome with utter randomness via “Quick Questions.” And just as we suspected, he didn't miss a beat.

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OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): If you had to delete either Twitter or Instagram, which one would you go with?

Jason Collings: I'd keep Instagram and here's why. It's pretty selfish but, I have more followers on there and you can do everything on there. You can video, make a tweet in the comment part, and you can post a picture. It's kind of like an all in one spot.

The trifecta. I get it. I like to think that Instagram is for narcissists. Oh yeah. I don't post a lot of pictures of myself and when I do post stuff, it's show flyers and of course my awesome face needs to be on there. [Laughs.] But I'm not like, look at this salad I'm eating! Hashtag, it's a Tapatio kind of day! That kills me. When I have a salad I eat it. I don't take pictures of it.

The hashtag “food porn” kills me because unless I see a dick in your salad, there's nothing “porn” about it. Exactly! [Laughs.] I've been ranting about that on stage lately. We've just become a bunch of braggers. It's this huge invasion of privacy that we're doing to ourselves. One of the things I say is, there was a time when if one person was following me, I'd call the fucking police. And now we're like, I want 100,000 strangers to know exactly where I am, what I'm eating, and who I'm with. And you have to check-in! What a weird way to live.

That's so funny and, so true. Have you ever watched someones Periscope video and actually liked it? You know, I'm so new to it that…you know what? I'm going to be honest about it. No. I've watched a few and I just don't care long enough.

I'm 100% with you. When was the last time you did a cartwheel? Probably last year and I'm still sore. I used to teach martial arts and one of the things we used to teach was how to do a cartwheel properly. I was thinking, when am I going to ever do this in a fight? And if I did pull it off in a fight, how fucking awesome would I be? I'd cartwheel kick the shit out of somebody!

And then you could just cartwheel away. That'd be incredible! Where and when was your nastiest stage bomb? It was actually a few months ago at The Parlor. And that's amazing because I've gotten standing ovations in that room! I wasn't on the show but I was hanging out and Jay Davis asked me to go on and even though I wasn't in the mood really, I did anyway out of respect for him. It was late in the show, the crowd was tired, and it was so bad. I had fun anyway because I wasn't doing my material. So it wasn't my material that was eating shit, it was just me up there giving myself a therapy session in front of a bunch of strangers. [Laughs.] People were into it but it wasn't exactly laughable material.

Gotcha. OK, hit me with a super drunk or super high story. I'll go drunk first. I'm not a drinker but one night I was hanging out with my buddy Brent Morin and that kid can drink like a mother fucker! So we were at the Comedy Store and I'm in a bad mood because I had a late spot and he was like, let's do a shot! So I did two shots of Fireball and Brent's doing shots of Wild Turkey so after that, I took a shot of Wild Turkey. Then it was time for Jason Collings to go on stage. [Laughs.] I went up so angry, was doing weird jokes, and apparently was yelling at the booker like, “Hey! If you're going to put me up on Friday night make sure it's not Saturday morning.” [Laughs.] It was not good.

Ha! I can imagine! So you have a high story too? Yeah and it was just recently. I have arthritis issues so I use the ol' marijuana for that. Usually I do edibles at night but again, I was at The Parlor and someone asked if I wanted to smoke. He was smoking some new stuff and he warned me ahead of time but I took two huge hits. Next thing I know, I'm feeling awesome! I'm driving home, listening to some of my favorite music, and I look down and I'm going twelve miles an hour in the fast lane.

Holy shit. Was anyone around you at all? Thankfully no. And the rest of the ride home was not pleasant at all because I was paranoid and kept looking at the speedometer. I went 55 on the dot the rest of the way.

I guess the lesson for you is, edibles only. How did you find out that Santa wasn't real? No one really told me, I think it was just one of those things that I found out. How funny would it have been though if I was 21 and my dad was like, OK we need to talk. I think I knew when I started picking out my own presents at the store and was like, that's what I want Santa to give me. Wink wink.

Well keeping with “wish lists,” name three people on your celebrity fuck-it list. Let me see, I've always had a thing for Selma Hayek, definitely Madonna, and for some reason, Christina Aguilera. I love me a dirty girl! [Laughs.]

How random. Staying with “celebrities,” Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe. Fuck, marry, kill. Oh man! I'd marry the little one, kill Kim, and fuck the big one. You know?

No, I don't know. I'd kill them all. Seriously, what would Jesus do? [Laughs.] He'd go surfing! I think if he were here, which he's not, he'd say, “Hey bro! Let's go surf!”

I can totally see that happening. Maybe next Easter. OK please leave me with the best advice that you've been given. My dad told me to always live by these five rules; effort, etiquette, character, sincerity, and self-control.

Grab your tickets to see Jason Collings at Gaslamp on Wednesday May 13th at 7:30pm, 6251 E. Pacific Coast Hwy. Long Beach, CA (562) 596-4718. For tickets go to www.GaslampTix.com. For more info on Jason, go to his Facebook, follow him on Twitter @JasonCollings, and subscribe to his podcast MidLifeCrisis.

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