Jodi Miller on Coque, Sugar Pouring, and Empire

[Editor's Note: Quick Questions is our semi-regular feature where we ask comedians a ton of random questions without giving them time to think of anything funny to say. Surprisingly, they still do.]

Jodi Miller was ripping up the comedy scene on and off stage long before we put her on our “Comics to Watch Out For” list in 2014 and a year later, her drive still hasn't run out of gas. Coincidentally, since no one has ever said that April 30th isn't a holiday, you can get out and celebrate “Four Tre Zero” at the Gaslamp in Long Beach with Jodi! (See what we did there?) In a world full of “hurry up” and in preparation of getting away from the house on a Thursday, we hammered out a quick read for you by throwing our Quick Questions at Jodi and oh my god Becky, after you read this (and then see her), you're going to love her like we do.

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OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): Did you have a backup plan if this whole comedy thing didn't work out for you?

Jodi Miller: Yes, I was going to own a bar. That or just have a lot of babies.

OK I don't care about baby names so, did you have a name for the bar? I actually did have a name for the bar! I think I wanted it to be something easy like, “Let's Drink.” The easier the better like, this is what we do here, let's just drink. I actually have a joke about one word names being the best and wanted to name my bar “cock” but spell it Coque so I could hear guys say, I feel like cock tonight. And if a fight broke out they'd be like, did you see that cockfight? I just wanted to hear people talk about cock.

I completely understand. Do you remember the first joke you ever told? I do! I talked about how I went on vacation and I was peeling around my breasts and how women can't scratch their tits in public but guys can scratch their balls. So I was like, oh this is how I creatively scratch my tits. I basically scratched my tits on stage for my first joke. But I am really proud of that by the way.

You should be. It was probably very sexy. You're right! [Laughs.] I bet it was sexy with me and my shoulder pads and big hair. It was super hot!

I was just thinking about shoulder pads the other day. I really hope they never make a huge comeback. I was kind of waiting for that! I used to wear shoulder pads with everything! My t-shirts, my sweatshirts, I mean, anything that would make me look like a football player. I was all for it!

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Yeah but looking back, come on. It was such a bad look! It was but it was so cute then. I'll have you know I got a lot of cock on the regs from that big hair. [Laughs.]

Let's stay with the theme of cocks for a sec. Rob Lowe. How does he stay so eternally gorgeous? He made a deal with the devil obviously. He is kind of aging though because I did see “Oxford Blues” the other day and I mean, god, he's the hottest. Holy fuck was he hot when he was young! Or maybe he has a lot of sex. Sex might keep you young. I feel like he made a sex tape, people were like, oh you're disgusting, and then he made a comeback. But I'm sure he didn't stop having sex that whole time. Maybe even on tape but we haven't been able to find them yet. That's probably his secret. The more you cum, the younger you look.

I want there to be unreleased sex tapes more than anything in this whole world. I'm not trying to bring back shitty memories but, tell me about your first break-up. Well I'm still waiting because I haven't had my first relationship. Is this when we were officially dating or when I was stalking him?

Your choice. Let me think. I was 25 and he was an asshole. [Laughs.] He got back with his ex and was like, this isn't gonna work out. I also remember him being like, if you want to spend the night you can. So he was basically saying we couldn't date anymore but we could fuck. He was down for that. I honestly think it's strange because I did it! [Laughs.] I guess that's just what you do, have break-up sex and then you're done. We actually had about ten break-up sex's on and off through the years.

It's it a funny concept though. It's like you think the last time is going to be so fantastic they'll choose you. Meanwhile, who the fuck wants a guy like that? Oh yeah! It'll be so great that he'll be like, you know I don't want to end it with you. Matter of fact, I want to move in with you! [Laughs.] It's like getting a new hairstyle after a break-up and thinking he'll be like, I really want her now that she has a side part. Did she get bangs? Fuck that! I don't want to break-up now! She has bangs!

Oh my god hilarious. What's the worst pick up line a guy has said to you? A guy once walked up to me and no joke said, “This is what's going to happen. I'm going to fuck you and then I'm going to take you to dinner.” I was actually thinking, in that order? That's amazing! It's like he was saying, if you think you can make it through sex, I'll feed you. If you can survive what I'm about to bring, I'll feed you.

That's incredible! OK this is random but as someone who is Dexter obsessed, if you had to watch the same TV show for a week, which one would it be? I just did this whole last week and watched all of Empire. [Laughs.] I was sick and a little bit out of it but everyone was talking about it so I watched it. And you know what? I loved it!

Ha yes!! I totally watched it too and loved it on the down low! Yeah I was all over that! I want to be Cookie. I really liked that show.

Agreed. Other than Cookie, if you could “Freaky Friday” with anyone, who would it be? Taylor Swift for sure! I'd like to be her for just a day with her red lips and those eyes that she tries to do something with. Just for one long day. I would definitely have sex with a lot of people that I can't have as Jodi Miller.

Ohhh that's a good one! Do you prefer daisy dukes or jorts? I prefer daisy dukes. I actually love daisy dukes as long as they aren't high waisted. High waisted denim is disgusting. I can't believe they made a comeback and shoulder pads did not. They look like denim diapers. Like someone was all, oh we're going to cover the midsection but the ass hanging out, it's totally fine. I'm a daisy-duker. Then again, I'm from Jersey so….

Thank you for explaining. I live for a good drunk story so, spill. This one time I was hooking up with a bouncer because that's how I rolled back in Jersey. So I got all dressed up and showed up looking all cute and my friends and I were all hanging out. I got super drunk super fast because I was nervous. I went to the bathroom that was located at the end of the dancefloor and when I was leaving I was looking in the mirror like, fuck yeah! This is an amazing night. I look good, my hair looks great, I'm gonna fuck this guy later, and this is amazing. [Laughs.] So “Pour Some Sugar on Me” came on and that's my song so I decided to dance out of the bathroom so this bouncer could see my moves before we hit the bedroom. I dance out like I am just hitting it and my friends are waving at me so I'm thinking, yeah! They love it like, you go girl! As I get closer, I hear them going, “Go back! Get back! Look down!” I looked down and I tucked my skirt completely into my pantyhose all of the way around. And I wasn't wearing any underwear. I was in the middle of the dancefloor. Everyone saw it.

Haaaa that's funny and awful at the same time. Alright I gotta let you go but since advice is important, what's the best advice you've been given? Wow. I'm still waiting I think! [Laughs.] Honestly the best advice was probably, no matter what you are doing, it's always going to be a marathon and not a sprint. It's the only thing I think of when I'm struggling. The things that happen super quickly, like a shooting star, they burn out fast. So if you want something substantial, you have to put the work in.

Check out Jodi Miller (along with Grant Cotter and Zach Miller) at Gaslamp for The Amp Comedy “Four Tre Zero Show” on April 30th at 7:30pm, 6251 E. Pacific Coast Hwy. Long Beach, CA (562) 596-4718. For tickets go to www.GaslampTix.com. For more info on Jodi, go to her website wwwJodiMillerComedy.com and follow her on Twitter @JodiMillerComic.

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