One of the most bizarre, fucked-up, yet hilarious apps ever invented is now available to you and only you, ladies. Lulu (www.onlulu.com) is essentially Yelp for men. It's free to download and immediately links with Facebook to aggregate all of your male friends. Once you're in, the strange process of scrolling through photos of all the guys you know with scores next to their faces begins.
Each page shows how the anonymous reviewers know him (friend, ex, hookup, etc.) and how they scored him in categories such as manners, sex and commitment. A series of quip-filled, multiple-choice questions yield a numerical score, but the funniest are the “Best” and “Worst” categories, in which chicks choose predetermined hashtags to describe the guy. Some of them are hilarious, such as #sleepsinthewetspot. The Lulu team were kind enough to not offer such cruel descriptives as #small, which could counter the more positive #Big.Feet. option. Although there ought to be something to describe those negative sexual experiences, maybe #thebadkindafreaky?
No matter how asinine Lulu seems, you . . . just . . . can't . . . stop . . . looking. It's addictive and unrealistic, akin to the way we love to watch Sex and the City—but we don't really want to have guy problems in our 30s.
While it would be nice to know details before dating a guy, we have to remember there are as many bitches as there are dicks, and unless you know the reviewer, you might not agree with her opinion.
From what we can tell, though, guys disagree with this app completely. They can download their own version and add stats to their profile, as well as view polls that women have taken on everything from sex-position preferences to gift giving. The latter may be the most interesting aspect of Lulu, but when the button guys have to push to enter the app is titled “Get Me Laid!” Lulu becomes laughable again.
Dudes can delete their profiles if they get a bad review, but with that option available, Lulu might end up only listing guys in the 7-to-10 range, turning it into a catalog of L.L. Bean and Ryan Gosling meme boyfriends—which, hey, might not be a bad thing.
That said, imagine if a girl version of Lulu existed. Women everywhere would be on the warpath. Maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't be rating people on the Internet.
Follow me on Instagram: @lp_hastings.
