This week’s been rough. Between work, battling a cold and suffering from a cataclysmic weed drought, I barely had any “me” time when Sunday came. As I sat there alone in my house watching paint dry, I didn’t want to take a bath or catch up on television; I wanted to get out on the town and sow my wild oats. So, after celebrating my right as a California resident to get completely baked with my newly acquired concentrates from Cali Kosher, I stumbled out the door and into the great unknown for a night of light-hearted fun mixed with a teeny tiny dash of deceit.
Round 1 has has been at the MainPlace Mall in Santa Ana for longer than I can remember, but that isn’t saying much considering how much cannabis I consume on a daily basis. It used to be a sad arcade with video game machines that were either malfunctioning or already broken until something magical happened–they got MONEY! Now, what used to be the K-Mart equivalent of an arcade has been transformed into a wonderland full of nerds hiding from the sun while listening to top 40 radio and killing zombies. I’ll admit that although the makeover was long overdue, I still miss the days when I was literally the only person there, trying desperately to nail a 10-point trophy on a dusty Buck Hunter console.
After showing my ID to a doorman, bartender and manager, I finally wrapped my hands around a cold Bud Light and felt the effects from my stoney session beginning to peak. Call it divine intervention but it was at that exact moment that the bartender suggested I add a pizza to my bill for the one time payment of $3.50. How could I say no? It was at that point that I realized I had a pizza and a beer for less than $7 and to top it off there was a police chase on the 91 freeway that every TV was displaying. I was in heaven. When my pie arrived, I wasn’t disappointed; someone once told me that sex is like pizza, even when it’s bad it’s still pretty good. Well, let me tell you, they’re right and furthermore, anyone whp doesn’t like pineapple on their ‘za deserves a lifetime of boring, missionary sex.
Apart from the arcade, world class beverage program and state-of-the-art kitchen, Round 1 has something that most of its competitors don’t: karaoke. For another $14 you can rent a private room and sing till the cows come home, or for the allotted amount of time you’ve paid for. I asked for the least amount of time possible (one hour) and handed over my $14 and headed for my private studio to record what could possibly be the greatest cover of George Michael’s “Father Figure” that the world will never hear.
It only took about 15 minutes, but I was already bored with the karaoke. Maybe it’s because I suffer from a unique condition where I only sound good in a shower, but I just wasn’t feeling the vibes in the well-lit sweat lodges they call studios, so I did what anyone else would do and went on about my night with a lesson on why I don’t make as much money as Taylor Swift. Just kidding! I told the teenager who was in charge of everything that the mics were broken and took my refund and put it down on two games of bowling. That adds up to $21 spent on my solo date night so far, for everyone keeping score at home.
After bowling a damn near perfect game and securing an all-time personal best score of 111, I was exhausted. I used to laugh at the idea of a professional bowler but after 20 frames with my six-pound ball, my arms were beat. With a new found respect for those athletes–and the last of my high fading away–I quietly stole a pair of bowling shoes and headed off into the night. Thanks, Round 1 ,and as always, happy smoking!
Round 1, 2800 S. Main St., Santa Ana, (714) 619-6840.
Jefferson Matthew VanBilliard is a leo that enjoys all things cannabis and is just trying his best. He let us know that although the desert will always be his home you can find him on Fourth St. in Santa Ana battle rapping teenagers or at the local high school where he coaches girls varsity volleyball without anyone’s permission.