Monday Munchies: The ’90s are Back!

Since the last Munchies article went up on our site, our county has seen some pretty weird stuff happen. We all got a little shook up from the quake, ska seems to be making a comeback, and Madonna just released another album full of self indulgent “political messages” marketed as dance music. Basically, the nineties are back. Now, everywhere I look I see little reminders of my childhood. From girls dressing like dime store Punky Brewsters to guys wearing pants that are ready for a flood, I can’t seem to get away from it, which got me thinking about my own childhood that took place right in the middle of the decade everyone is in love with right now.

Despite being a millennial, I had the unique experience of growing up without the convenience of the internet or even cable television. My town lacked a mall, paved roads and most signs of intelligent life forms, so it was quite a challenge to find any sort of counterculture among the stale classmates I was forced to spend time with. However, I managed to find a few friends that, like me, hated that gawdawful place. Of all the people I hung out with, there was one in particular who stands out whenever I look back at my teenage years. Corey Frasier was a latchkey kid without any fears whatsoever. I spent hours at his house daily and I don’t ever remember seeing his parents, which left us with plenty of time to get into trouble. We shot guns, drove cars, and I even got my first taste of that sweet Mary Jane while under no supervision whatsoever. Corey Frasier was the perfect amount of chaos I needed in my life and whenever I wanted something that I couldn’t get from my parents, I knew I could get it from him.

One morning, while he and I were waiting for our bus to take us back to our schoolyard prison, Corey showed me the one thing that every young boy considers the holy grail of becoming a man: an actual pornographic movie. I should point out that I lived a very sheltered life and the idea of seeing an actual naked body was about as foreign to me as a bowl of pho at that point. Corey knew this and he exploited that fact to his own advantage by mentioning that he would let me take it off his hands for the one-time fee of my lunch for the next week. What Corey didn’t know was that I had been making my own lunches and I was currently in possession of a brown paper bag full of fruit roll-ups and nothing else. As I thought about that VHS cassette, I knew it was wrong to trade my fake, sugar-packed lunch for the chance to become a man, but hormones can make you do crazy things so I handed over the sack and stuffed the tape deep into my backpack for safe keeping.

Later that night, after the dishes were cleared from the dining room table and my parents had finished their late-night television, everyone in the house was fast asleep as I snuck into the living room to watch the video that Corey had described as the hottest tape ever. I carefully pulled the tape from the bottom of my bag and studied every inch of the cover. There were four women in sleek black dresses standing together with the background of a city in the distance and in giant neon letters it said “Sex.” I was basically shaking with the combination of anticipation and nerves at that point, but I took a deep breath and pressed play.

I’m not sure what I was expecting to see when I put the tape in, but it definitely wasn’t what I got. For several hours I sat on the couch and furiously watched as Carrie, Sam, Charlotte and Miranda all struggled to maintain their social lives while balancing their careers and love interests in the Big Apple. There were no naked people, no corny storylines, and anytime they ordered pizza they definitely paid for it with cash. Basically, Corey took all my fruit snacks and all I got was insight into the world of a career-driven woman in her thirties.

Now that I’m a hunky bachelor with a career of my own, I understand the plight of those women more than ever. After a week of deadlines, emails and traffic, I need something that will help me reach the kind of zen those four ladies were desperate for. Well, I have found it in Fruit Slabs. These organic edibles are a far cry from the sugary desserts we are forced to consume whenever we want to eat our cannabis. Since 2015, Fruit Slabs have been knocking it out of the parking lot with their delicious take on the classic lunchtime treat. Packed with all natural ingredients and lab-tested THC, each 10mg “slab” is bursting with tropical flavors that will make you feel as if you’re on a permanent vacation. The euphoric rush settles in quickly after consumption and lasts well into your binge-watching session. Just make sure you put the bag far enough away as to thwart the possibility of eating the entire bag when the inevitable munchies kick in.

I’m not sure what happened to Corey but I do know that Carrie, Miranda and Charlotte are all doing fine without Samantha ruining everything. Also, for the record, I’ve seen a few people naked since that fateful day so you don’t have to feel bad for me. Happy smoking!