Ahhh, yes. Yet another juicy Hollywood divorce to pick apart in the tabloids and on Twitter. After 6 years of wedding “bliss,” Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have decided to call it quits. We all knew it would happen one day and after the reports that Ashton was pulling a Tiger Woods in a hot tub without a waterproof condom–on his anniversary no less–we knew it was only a matter of time.
Oddly enough, the Kutchers started a charity organization called, “The Demi and Ashton Foundation” aka “DNA,” to help end child sex slavery. In the meantime, someone was out spreading his own DNA with chicks who apparently could care less about his high profile wife.
After all is said and done, divorce is a hard thing to endure. And while we wish all the best to both of them, our imagination likes to run wild and we were thinking, if there was a playlist of three songs that will play the most on Demi and Ashton's iPod this week, what would be in it? Find out after the jump!
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Demi's Top Three Playlist
1. Cee Lo Green, “Fuck You”
Cee Lo said it best: “And I'm like, fuck you.” While his song is about a gold digging and ungrateful chick, I can just picture Demi blasting this on her iPod while walking with her dogs on the trails through the potato fields of Idaho where she and Ashton once shared a home. Of course, she'll reword the song to say, “If I was younger, I still be with you,” and “Although there's plastic in my chest, I still wish you the best with a, fuck you.” Ashton's a dick, you go girl!
2. Erykah Badu, “Call Tyrone”
No doubt Demi is pissed. I mean, it's all over the tabloids that her much younger man is gallivanting around town humping girls who are more in his age range. While Demi can't do anything about her age, she can refuse to let him come back to the house to get his shit. And if that is the case, Ashton better call Tyrone. Or he can call a professional mover. His giant trucker hat collection is probably even too big for Tyrone's two-seater.
3. Bobby Womack, “If You Think You're Lonely Now”
Demi might be boosting her own ego on this one because she is pretty skinny. Chances are that even when she was in bed with him, he probably didn't even know she was there, rendering him lonely. Nonetheless, Demi will probably play this classic “woe is me” song while taking a bubble bath and sipping on some cold white wine. Cold like her heart.
Ashton's Top Three Playlist
1. R. Kelly, “I'm a Flirt”
At this point, Ashton can only own up to what he did and embrace it. He's a flirt, and don't we know it! In my dreams, he walks into a club and the DJ notices him. They then switch the song to “I'm A Flirt” and Ashton does a slow motion walk to the V.I.P. section, exchanging high-fives and “I'm a douche” finger points all while mouthing the words to this naughty boy anthem. Hey, a girl can dream! Either way, R. Kelly warns you not to bring your girl to the club. No said anything about hot tubs. Play on Ashton.
2. Naughty By Nature, “O.P.P.”
Forget about what the last “P” stands for; it's all about what the “O” stands for. In case you are like my parents, who have never heard this song, the “O” stands for “Other.” As in, other than your partner. Ashton knows what he did wrong because his management explained it to him much like they had to with the Joe Paterno/Twitter incident. It's all beside the point because, like Naughty By Nature said, “Yeah you know me!” What Ashton knows is that he wanted “other” too.
3. George Michael, “Careless Whisper”
On those drunken nights when Ashton is alone–after his flavor of the night leaves–in his suite drinking Jack straight from the bottle, he'll no doubt be having a moment of clarity. “Careless Whisper” is the perfect song to lip sync into the bottle while feeling the pain of “knowing better then to cheat a friend” and of “Wasting a chance that you've been given.” So you'll never dance again? So what? Look at you. You're Ashton Kutcher, dammit! You get tail everywhere! Wait, is that a tear we see? Yeah … didn't think so.
Ali Lerman knows much about comedy, basketball, and celebrating Wu-Tang Wednesday. She’s been writing for sixteen years and still calls her mom with grammatical questions.