Nothing screams Christmas more than dueling pianos. So, for the 2015 installment of the OC Weekly Holiday Theater Round-Up, we have invited two ferociously talented pianists to chime in on what song would be the theme if every holiday play going up in OC and the LBC had one.
Our first guest is Alan Corcoran, the musical accompanist for the Chance Theater's current show, Anne of Green Gables. A former tech CEO and arts patron (he was an inaugural member of the Chance's board), Corcoran now splits his time between consulting projects and wedding cocktail hours, as well as entertaining in SoCal eateries and the occasional musical.
Our second guest is the most high and vile Reverend Slappy White. Taking a break from his ongoing crusade to turn college campuses into places where nary a bad word or opinion is expressed on the grounds that some stupid fucker somewhere might be offended by it, the good Rev is once again mounting his A Dolt's Only Xma$ Pageant in Fullerton this year, for one night only. Take it away, men!
A CHRISTMAS CAROL
Alan Corcoran: Miss Burnett rocks out the Wise Men and the rest of the manger gang with her soaring rendition of “I'm So Glad We Had This Time Together.”
The Reverend Slappy White: “Money,” Pink Floyd.
Stage Door Repertory Theatre, 1045 N. Armando Dr., Anaheim, (714) 630-7378; www.stagedoorrep.org. Fri.-Sat., 8 p.m. $17-$20.
HOLIDAY VOICES
Corcoran: Who can resist Frankenstein, Tarzan and Tonto doing “Deck the Halls”? With special guest Christopher Walken?
White: “One,” Three Dog Night.
Stage Door Repertory Theatre; newvoicesoc.wordpress.com. Sat.-Sun., 2 p.m.
THE EIGHT: THE REINDEER MONOLOGUES
Corcoran: The Tepper/Bennett classic “Nuttin' for Christmas.”
White: “I Fucked a Deer for Christmas and All I Got Was Syphilis,” pending copyright approval from the Library of Congress.
Chance Theater, 5522 E. La Palma Ave., Anaheim, (714) 777-3033; chancetheater.com. Fri., 8:30 & 10:30 p.m.; Sat., 5 & 8:30 p.m.; Sun., 2:30 & 5 p.m. $35.
SANTALAND DIARIES
Corcoran: Bridget Jones reminisces about her entanglements with Santa and the elves as she inquires “What're You Doing New Year's Eve?”
White: “Jungleland,” Bruce Springsteen. He's doing The River in March at the Sports Arena. Obey your master.
Modjeska Playhouse, 21084 Bake Pkwy., Ste. 104, Lake Forest, (949) 445-3674; www.mphstage.org. Fri.-Sun., 8 p.m. $15-$25.
TINSELTOWN
Corcoran: Can't beat the second-act showstopper: Aerosmith's “Walk This Way,” performed by actual toys in the attic.
White: Tracey Thorne, “Tinsel and Lights.” Never heard of it or her, but Google tells me it's real.
Attic Community Theater, 2834 S. Fairview St., Santa Ana, (714) 662-2525; www.atticcommunitytheater.com. Thurs.-Sat., Dec. 17-19, 7:30 p.m.; Sun., 2:30 p.m. $15-$25.
A CHILD'S CHRISTMAS IN WALES
Corcoran: Foolhardy to mess with Dylan Thomas.
White: Anything by that long-dicked dude who used to bang Catherine Zeta-Jones. Oh, wait, she wasn't married to Tom? Well, she's Welsh like him, right?
Camino Real Playhouse, 31176 El Camino Real, San Juan Capistrano, (949) 489-8082; www.caminorealplayhouse.org. Thurs.-Sat., 8 p.m.; Sun., 2 p.m. $27-$37.
ROMEO AND JULIET
Corcoran: Teenage suicide. “Don't Fear the Reaper” is probably too dated. So maybe that uplifting Sarah MacLachlan ditty, “Arms of the Angels”? That's kind of dated, too, but then, so is Shakespeare.
White: Apparently, this is set in apartheid South Africa. And I have nothing to add to that.
Mysterium Theater, 311 S. Euclid St., La Habra, (714) 505-3454; www.mysteriumtheater.com. Sat.-Sun., 2:01 p.m. $15-$25.
A CHRISTMAS CAROL
Corcoran: Tiny Tim tiptoes through the tulips after his rickets are miraculously cured by ukulele music.
White: “Fat Rich Cunts,” Screaming Jets.
Long Beach Playhouse, 5021 E. Anaheim St., Long Beach, (562) 494-1014; www.lbplayhouse.org. Thurs.-Sat., 8 p.m.; Sun., 2 p.m. $24.
CHRISTMAS STORIES
Corcoran: Always like that Home Alone theme, “Somewhere In My Memory,” so maybe a last-minute add?
White: Bored.
Modjeska Playhouse; www.mphstage.org. Sat.-Sun., 5 p.m. $8-$12.
THE ENCHANTMENT OF BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
Corcoran: I suppose Christmas is a tale as old as time. So how about a rousing Gregorian chant?
White: “O Come all Ye Faithful.” Because it's FUNNY!
Mysterium Theater; www.mysteriumtheater.com. Sat.-Sun., 5:01 & 7:31 p.m. $15-$25.
A CHRISTMAS CAROL
Corcoran: Cratchit closes the first act with Sondheim's “I'm Still Here”—after 36 years!
White: Fuck, another one?
South Coast Repertory, 655 Town Center Dr., Costa Mesa, (714) 708-5555; www.scr.org. Thurs.-Fri., Dec. 17-18, 7:30 p.m.; Sat., Dec. 19, 2:30 & 7:30 p.m.; Sun., Dec. 20 & 27, noon & 4 p.m.; Tues.-Wed., Dec. 22-23, 7:30 p.m.; Dec. 24, noon & 4 p.m.; Dec. 26, 7:30 p.m. $22-$77.
ANNE OF GREEN GABLES
Corcoran: This show is already perfect, and no song could make it better . . . although it might be fun to hear the talented townsfolk of Avonlea do “Mountain Town” [from South Park—Bigger, Longer, and Uncut].
White: “Hungry Heart,” Bruce Springsteen. Obey your master.
Chance Theater; chancetheater.com. Fri., Dec. 18, 8 p.m.; Sat., Dec. 19 & 26, 3 & 8 p.m.; Sun., Dec. 20, 2 p.m.; Dec. 27, 2 & 7 p.m. $40-$50.
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE: A LIVE RADIO PLAY
Corcoran: Local songsmith Lon Milo DuQuette has a heartwarmer, “Guardian Angel in Disguise” [from Baba Lon II] that would go perfectly with this seasonal staple. A charming ode to those who lift us when we most need it.
White: “Radio Ga Ga,” Queen.
STAGEStheatre, 400 E. Commonwealth, Fullerton, (714) 525-4484; www.stagesoc.org. Fri.-Sat., 8 p.m.; Sun., 2 p.m. $18-$20.
SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS
Corcoran: [David] Bowie and Bing [Crosby] reprise their famous holiday duet, “Red Christmas.”
White: “Rapture,” Blondie. Duh.
Maverick Theater, 110 E. Walnut, Fullerton, (714) 526-7070; www.mavericktheater.com. Fri.-Sat. & Tues.-Wed., 8 p.m.; Sun., 4 p.m. $12-$22.
21ST KIND-OF-ANNUAL A DOLT'S ONLY XMA$ PAGEANT
Corcoran: I do not know this show and will not respond to this.
White: “People Who Died,” Jim Carroll.
STAGEStheatre; www.stagesoc.org. Wed. Call for show time and ticket price.
Joel Beers has written about theater and other stuff for this infernal rag since its very first issue in, when was that again???