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Political Football: Cincinnati Bengals vs. Atlanta Falcons

Cincinnati update: Locals are known to run the word please into the ground, using it to communicate everything from “excuse me” to “gimme a break” to “Please, please, please, God, get me out of Cincinnati.” It’s not unlike the way Canadians overuse sorry or East Coast Prep Douchenozzles are always saying, “That was a long time ago.” For about 10 years in the ’90s, the local Ku Klux Klan would ask the police to please guard the giant cross the group would erect and plant in a downtown park, which the cops would do, charging residents overtime. To their credit, Cincinnati residents regularly tore the cross down because, back then, the Ku Klux Klan was thought to be a hateful, loathsome organization. Of course, “that was a long time ago.”

Atlanta update: Atlanta will host the upcoming Super Bowl, the kind of mega-event that can cause a community to put aside all its differences and come together in the belief that Maroon 5 just suck the most disgusting suckable object/video-game-character-resembling-appendage ever. Maroon 5 have reportedly been booked as the main performer for the Atlanta Super Bowl, which, we assume, must please those who enjoy infantile lyrics sung by someone who sounds as though he is being castrated while being strangled while also being really awful at singing. The selection of Maroon 5 is especially tone deaf of the NFL, a league whose owners are regularly accused of running their teams—which are predominately African-American—with a plantation mentality, given that Atlanta is one of the current hubs of African-American music and culture and Maroon 5 is the whitest boy band this side of Brett Kavanaugh’s Bedroom Bunch, but “that was a long time ago.”

Upon further review: The NFL can still rebound from the Maroon 5 choice by pairing them with one of the hundreds of more deserving Atlanta artists—Migos, Outkast (yes, please!), Run the Jewels (again, please!), etc.—but we’re not holding out hope, given that former Super Bowl halftime performers include Travis Tritt, Up With People and Brian Boitano. That happened . . . a long time ago.

Root for: Atlanta. General Sherman and now Maroon 5. White people. Please.